don’t worry, this bit is NOT about my sex life…
…although i supposed the title alone might have run one or two of ya off.
i learned something the other day that kinda surprised me, and i have to wonder if there’s newer data available (and yes, i realize how geeky that sounded). anywho, i was cleaning up the other day and found an old condom box…all the condoms had left the building (for proper use, not balloon animals), but the box was there, as was something i don’t think i’ve ever noticed before:
a pamphlet – and not one advertising lube they make or other kinds of condoms that make you last longer or feel bigger or have a warming, tingling sensation (and for that matter, isn’t a “burning, tingling feeling” ‘down there’ supposed to be the sign of an issue? since when did it become a marketing phrase?). no, it was a little pamphlet with info about the condoms and sex.
here’s the cliff’s notes (although, i guess more technically “sean’s notes”) version:
page 1 – trusted by millions of people around the world, yadda, yadda, yadda, “contains natural latex rubber, which may cause an allergic reaction”, blah, blah, blah, “while durex latex condoms (fuck it, i’ll give ’em a plug since they helped me get one) help prevent pregnancy and the spread of [frighteningly long list of STD’s] no method is 100% effective…” (more on part of this in a bit), etc, etc, etc…oh, and that the “tingling pleasure” lube’s main ingredient is MENTHOL. there ya go, let me fuck ya right and i can prevent sore throats!
“Non-vaginal use of condoms may increase the risk of them slipping or being damaged” – so do they make specific anal condoms? i was gonna go off on this proving you don’t use them during oral, but let’s face it…if you’re with a partner you feel requires protection during oral you should have left that nasty shit in the bar where you found it. moving on…
page 2 – as above, but in spanish, so all references to condom say “el wrapper de chorrizo”
page 3 – as above, but in french, so all references to condom say “le rubbier” or something
page 4 – illustrated diagrams of how to apply AND dispose of condoms. no diagram of how to actually USE them, even though that’s what the page is labeled. guess the theory is if you DON’T know “how” to use them pregnancy and STD’s are the least of your problems. no french or spanish translations as cartoons are universal in both their informative AND educational properties.
page 5, 6, and 7 – okay, i spoke too soon…the directions (in all three languages, hence the three pages) of how to apply and then dispose, kinda glossing over the creamy middle (pun intended). the last line confused me, as it says “use a new condom every time you have sexual intercourse or OTHER ACTS between partners…” what happened to that “all vag, all the time” warning from page one? i thought only the bible was allowed to contradict itself from page to page?!?
(for all that were offended by that last line allow me to spike the ball by mentioning i’m typing this on a sunday)
page 8, 9, and 10 – had no idea it was this thick, did ya? (that’s what she said…sorry, couldn’t resist). last three pages had a chart on them that inspired the whole bit – it lists out the various methods of contraception (from getting tubes tied, snipped, whatever to ACTUALLY trying to get knocked up) and how often they result in pregnancy from either occasional (most of the time) or religious (pardon the pun on that one) use…and it was interesting.
before i go any further i should mention that in the tiny print at the bottom it states all the info is from FDA reports released in 1998…no new crap in eleven years? is that when we had just done it all? it does mention everything i could picture, from the surgery (less than 1% rate of pregancy) to IUDs (under 1% as well) and then gels, sponges, and pills…oh my!
but here was the shocker that inspired the whole bit – taken verbatim:
(keep in mind percentages are chances she’ll get knocked up)
Male Latex Condom – Typical Use: 14% Lowest Expected Rate of Pregnancy: 3%
Withdrawal (i.e. “Pulling Out”) – Typical Use: 19% Lowest Expected Rate: 4%
now, can i trust the “typical” on withdrawal means the “deposit” of fluids is not made vaginally, but rather one of the “four b’s” (boobs, back, belly, or butt) instead of, say, in her hair?
(wow – i almost offended myself on that one)
so there ya have – FDA written proof that the condom only decreases risk of pregnancy by ONE LOUSY PERCENT compared to just pulling out. pregnancy risk delta – one percent. pleasurable feeling delta – ninety-nine percent.
i say ride that shit bareback, cowgirl!
note: all of the above was looking at condoms strictly for pregnancy, not disease, prevention. this is due to the fact that i tend to be kinda picky with who i sleep with, so i tend to not allow him into the more “ghetto neighborhoods” if you know what i’m saying and i think you do. if you typically go after the girl in the bar with a broken heel and a little puke in her hair that you just KNOW will fuck you and even your dog might be in danger when she gets back to your place, ALWAYS wear a condom or leave that nasty skank in the bar so shane can get some of that.