i can’t take your mail right now

so leave a message after the beep…


everyone goes at me for my voicemail, which is typically the most disturbing random family guy clip i can find. if you don’t like it, just press “1” when it starts and it skips right to the tone.

there – y’all (ME – i’m looking at you when i say this) know the drill (and as the girl that made me switch to sprint in the first place so we could talk for free, you should have known that already, shouldn’t you?).

but in the office you simply can’t get that creative with your out of office replies, lest you lose your job. but if you have a boss with a great sense of humor, or just don’t give a fuck any more, here are some suggestions that hit my inbox recently…

1. I am currently out at a job interview and will reply to you if I fail to get the position. Be prepared for my mood. (i think ME has actually used this one)

2. You are receiving this automatic notification because I am out of the office. If I was in, chances are you wouldn’t have received anything at all. (sadly most people have to think about that one)

3. Sorry to have missed you, but I am at the doctor’s having my brain and heart removed so I can be promoted to our management team. (stop applauding and keep reading…)

4. I will be unable to delete all the unread, worthless emails you send me until I return from vacation. Please be patient and your mail will be deleted in the order in which it was received. (the classic krameresque debate – do you tell the truth or what they want to hear?)

5. Thank you for your email. Your credit card has been charged $5.99 for the first 10 words and $1.99 for each additional word in your message. (this one i plan on using when i go to new orleans the weekend before halloween)

6. The e-mail server is unable to verify your server connection and is unable to deliver this message. Please restart your computer and try sending again. (you’d be shocked how many people buy this…actually, you might not be)

7. Thank you for your message, which has been added to a queuing system. You are currently in 352nd place, and can expect to receive a reply in approximately 19 weeks. (with my inbox at work lately, this is actually kinda accurate)

8. Hi, I’m thinking about what you’ve just sent me. Please wait by your PC for my response. (this one typically only works on the overly sensitive and those from california)

9. I’ve run away to join a different circus. (i wonder if the ringling brothers office uses this more literally)


10. I will be out of the office for the next 2 weeks for medical reasons. When I return, please refer to me as ‘Loretta’ instead of ‘Joe’. (that one, safe to say, i’ll never use…)

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