did you know it’s possible to get the government to pay you for being nuts?
i have a friend who’s getting more money than me these days for going to therapy once a week and otherwise sitting by the pool. i want that life…
…and i think i know how i can get it.
mental illness can set on quickly and quietly. medical science admits that most brain function is kind of a mystery (neurons firing? what is that? some kind of street gang?) and so the only real way to detect some kind of mental issue is via behavior…which we all can EASILY alter, and never have to work again!
here’s a six pack of starters guaranteed to make them want you OUT of the workplace (nobody likes an obnoxious, racist, sexist, homophobe around!), but not want you in front of a bunch of microphones talking about how they tossed out a person with “problems” (not put in quotes to make light of mental illness, but rather done so because we’re faking it here and this isn’t real mental illness. REAL mental illness is no laughing matter…at least while the person is still in the room with you)…that’s a p.r. nightmare no corporate spin doctor wants to cure…
1. call any male employ above you on the corporate ladder “faggot”.
2. whenever any female co-worker interjects a point during a meeting cut her off with “shut-up, bitch…men are talking….” and then turn back to the guy speaking before her and say, “proceed…”
3. spell out the phrase “T H O U S H A L T N O T K I L L” with one letter per post-it on a wall above your desk.
4. when you walk out at the end of the day and see that ridiculously hot girl who always wears the outfits that BEG for an h.r. violation slap her hard and loud on the ass and say “great game today!”
5. if at all possible, whenever you can, refer to people in conversation with racial slurs.
6. on “casual friday” show up in a clown suit, complete with face paint and giant shoes.
and lest we forget the bonus…
7. 4:00pm – whip out an ice bucket, a glass, and a bottle of whiskey…’cause it’s always happy hour somewhere!
this is just to get you started, of course – feel free to make this your own. see you on the couch!!!