blame the tobackee, i suppose

i’ve been in kind of a funk lately…

…i can list off several reasons – but at the top would be my xmas cigar. quite a while ago (summer of 1996) i ended up acquiring some 1980 jamaican macanudo cigars – a whole box of fifteen. and realizing they were kind of special, i decided to sit them in my humidor and only open the box once a year, on christmas day, and smoke one. it became an annual tradition. i remember when i smoked the first one – the girl that had given me the gift certificate to buy the box (tanya) was gone, i was all alone for a christmas – at least for most of it. i spent christmas eve alone…i woke up christmas morning alone. i just hung out with the dogs until we got together with the family (which then was me, my sister, my grandmother, my uncle, and his “friend”) but that was only an hour or so of the day. after that hour out i was back to the house, all alone (save for calum, julie, and tish) and i smoked the first cigar to cap off what was a lonely-ass christmas from where i was sitting.

but i knew that when i was damn near forty, when i smoked the last cigar, things would be different. i’d probably have a career, wife, and kid(s) and i’d almost have to sneak away to the man cave (not that term existed back then) of my (i figured) austin abode to enjoy the final one out of the box.

boy, was i off…

so, this christmas, when i smoke the last one, very little has changed – i have less hair (that happens), i have a good bit less of me (that’s a positive), but otherwise i’m in the same house in lockhart. the family this year is shrunk down to just me, my uncle, and his “friend”, who will pop by the house around 1:30, and be gone by 3:00. i won’t even leave the house that day…and i’ll go to bed the night before alone, wake up alone, and spend all but that ninety minutes alone, save for copper & lil’ dude (all aforementioned pets are no longer with us, which after fifteen years will happen). same house. same loneliness. and to all a good night.

so, if you notice this year i don’t seem in a very good mood for the holidays, that’s probably why. i had a vision of how my life would be, and i couldn’t have missed the mark any further if i tried – and to top it off, NOW i have to find a new cigar to smoke on christmas day…at least i have a year to figure THAT one out!