i was a pioneer of sorts in this sites early days…
…ya see, because i took this anything but seriously (which hasn’t really changed) i think the k-man kinda lived vicariously through me, having me do things he couldn’t because while my site was (and still is) my hobby, his online presence is hit livelihood, so while i can do offensive shit with abandon, he has to slightly keep his shit in check.
and because of this, he very early on had me put a donation button on my site where people didn’t pledge funds, but rather blowjobs to help “spur my creativity”. keep in mind this site was started in 2002, when i was barely thirty, so things were a bit different back then. not that a good release doesn’t still spur my creativity, but never mind that now. just know that in the original bit all the “blow me” shit was blue and linked to my pledge site – and this was waaaaaaaaay pre go-fund-me and shit. look at me predicting the future and shit!
03/27/2002: “the world wide whatever”
ah, the internet…more than just a way to pick up fabulous, perfect, latina women (okay, maybe that one’s just me, but it DID work); more than just a way to “win” purchases on eBay (you know that’s how they hook you, right? you don’t BUY stuff from eBay, you WIN it..you’re a WINNER…perfect marketing…btw, my buyer rating’s up to 84!!!), hell, it’s not even just for cheap cigars, even cheaper pornography, and doing background checks on topless maid services…i mean, babysitters – for you parents out there. it’s also a way to see how much your friends hate you. not just with their comments they put on your web journal that you delete before anyone sees them (not that that’s done HERE, you understand..but i’ve heard of it happening elsewhere), but also with THOSE mails. you know the ones…
“this one REALLY works”
and it’s followed by some, “send this to everyone you know and even some people you don’t and then bill gates will give you part of his fortune”
or, “if one day….” followed by some inspirational crap that is usually reserved for the “framed frosted glass” section of a mall christian bookstore.
or CHAIN letters. any of them. for any reason. email is NOT gonna give a child a kidney, help an afghan family, or cause you grave misfortune. so…
we all get them. usually from relatives; or that sappy co-worker. don’t get me wrong, i can be sentimental at times, and have references to prove it; but i don’t spread it around to everyone on the planet. you know when that shit hits your mailbox, ’cause it has some sappy-assed subject, and when you open it, you can see it’s been forwarded to or through the entire population of the western hemisphere.
then, after scrolling through eight and a half pages of other people’s addresses (i start mailing these people and plotting against the person who sent it, ’cause you’ll notice these types don’t just send you one…they’re ALWAYS repeat offenders), you hit some poetic statement about how you’re such a terrific friend…
or some sad, sentimental story where the moral is something like, “don’t be like this sad little boy who now never gets to tell his grampa how much he meant to him. too often we take those close to us for granted. learn from his mistakes…”
but then they add on, as if to spike the ball, “be a true friend. mail this back to the person who sent it to you, and ten other people, so the circle of friends can grow”. this also comes standard with those “get to know you” email forms you’re supposed to cut, and paste, and blank out your friend’s answers, then bother everyone you know with the answer to the question of the ages, “if you were a cup of yogurt, would you be fruit on the bottom, or fruit swirled in?” i got your fruit RIGHT HERE…
i have to quote the end of the TRUE friendship poem that my “sister” kathi sent me the other day, which was pretty damn funny…”AND REMEMBER, A friend will help you move. A really good friend will help you move a body.” the whole poem is available on request, or if you blow me.
(just wanted to try and squeeze that in one more time)