blow me (a flashback – and yes, it means what you think it does)

ah, the internet…more than just a way to pick up fabulous, perfect, latina women (okay, maybe that one’s just me, but it DID work); more than just a way to “win” purchases on eBay (you know that’s how they hook you, right? you don’t BUY stuff from eBay, you WIN it..you’re a WINNER…perfect marketing…btw, my buyer rating’s up to 84!!!), hell, it’s not even just for cheap cigars, even cheaper pornography, and doing background checks on topless maid services…i mean, babysitters – for you parents out there. it’s also a way to see how much your friends hate you. not just with their comments they put on your web journal that you delete before anyone sees them (not that that’s done HERE, you understand..but i’ve heard of it happening elsewhere), but also with THOSE mails. you know the ones…

“this one REALLY works”

and it’s followed by some, “send this to everyone you know and even some people you don’t and then bill gates will give you part of his fortune”

blow me.

or, “if one day….” followed by some inspirational crap that is usually reserved for the “framed frosted glass” section of a mall christian bookstore.

blow me.

or CHAIN letters. any of them. for any reason. email is NOT gonna give a child a kidney, help an afghan family, or cause you grave misfortune. so…

blow me.

we all get them. usually from relatives; or that sappy co-worker. don’t get me wrong, i can be sentimental at times, and have references to prove it; but i don’t spread it around to everyone on the planet. you know when that shit hits your mailbox, ’cause it has some sappy-assed subject, and when you open it, you can see it’s been forwarded to or through the entire population of the western hemisphere.

blow me.

then, after scrolling through eight and a half pages of other people’s addresses (i start mailing these people and plotting against the person who sent it, ’cause you’ll notice these types don’t just send you one…they’re ALWAYS repeat offenders), you hit some poetic statement about how you’re such a terrific friend…

blow me.

or some sad, sentimental story where the moral is something like, “don’t be like this sad little boy who now never gets to tell his grampa how much he meant to him. too often we take those close to us for granted. learn from his mistakes…”

blow me.

but then they add on, as if to spike the ball, “be a true friend. mail this back to the person who sent it to you, and ten other people, so the circle of friends can grow”. this also comes standard with those “get to know you” email forms you’re supposed to cut, and paste, and blank out your friend’s answers, then bother everyone you know with the answer to the question of the ages, “if you were a cup of yogurt, would you be fruit on the bottom, or fruit swirled in?” i got your fruit RIGHT HERE…

blow me.

i have to quote the end of the TRUE friendship poem that my “sister” kathi sent me the other day, which was pretty damn funny…”AND REMEMBER, A friend will help you move. A really good friend will help you move a body.” the whole poem is available on request, or if you blow me.