i quit! (fits this saturday slap back in more than one way)

ah, monday; time for the hunt to begin anew…

surfing the sites, highlighted newspapers in hand, ready to rock. ready to roll. ready to leave the teaming masses of unemployed for the stressful, can’t sleep in any more experience that is the work place.

yep, i’m still unemployed. kinda sucks. but along the journey so far, i have learned that there are certain DO’s and DON’T’s that you need to think about along the path to the paycheck. the DO’s are boring, and something i obviously don’t know a lot about, or i wouldn’t **still** be seeking work.

(at this point, don’t skip down to the comments and talk about how it hasn’t been that long for me (one month, two days), or how your cousin has been looking for the last two years, or whatever; i’m a gemini, and a white male between the ages of 18 and 34…i am **so** about the immediate gratification it’s not even funny)

but the DON’T’s can be a fun ride, and since i learn by doing, here’s some things i’ve been told i ought not have done…

1. no matter how “fucking awesome” you may have been at your last job, including the phrase “fucking awesome” on your resume is a bad move, or so i’m told. but i was fucking awesome. why lie?

2. on an application where they ask what you’ve been doing since you lost work, do NOT include the verb “partying” any where in your answer.

3. when the receptionist offers you a cup of coffee while you wait for an interview, it looks bad if you take a sip and then wave the cup in her direction and ask if she can “irish it up” for you.

(sneak in a flask and save yourself the embarrassment. plus they probably have lame whiskey to match the lame coffee)

4. it doesn’t matter how well you think the girl knows you. it doesn’t matter how insightful they seem. it doesn’t matter how much they praise you and talk about your potential every time they hear your voice. do NOT, under any circumstances, put that psychic you saw on the late night tv ad and called to seek career and love life advice down on your resume as a personal reference. nothing good can come of it. plus, i already have kramer down ’cause i’ve actually worked for him, and having more than one psychic on your resume is a bit too “austin”.

5. no matter how funny or cute you may think it is, on the line of an application where they ask who to notify in the case of an emergency, don’t put “911?. don’t worry, they damn well know your sister doesn’t know how to set a broken leg. that’s okay. put her down any way. if they’re not smart enough to call “911″ BEFORE they call her, do you really think you’ll respect them enough to call them “boss”? i wouldn’t.

and finally…

6. at the end of the interview, assuming you make it that far, and they ask you if you have any questions for them, don’t ask, “do y’all drug test?”. because it will sound like you asked in that tone of voice whether you did or not. and all will be bad.