just under two seconds cost me just under two hundred

no, it wasn’t with an extremely high end hooker…

…remember, i’m all married up and shit now.

no, this was some phone stupidity. or car stupidity. you make the call!

(see what i did there?)

i normally put my phone in my center console when i drive. it fits, it’s shielded from thieving eyes when i park, and if i plug it in while it’s in there it charges it AND puts the album artwork when i play music off it, which for a record store geek is really cool. but the other day i took off with it on my thigh, and about seven minutes from the house i went to pass somebody. when i cut back into my lane my phone slid off my left thigh and dropped, i THOUGHT into the neverland crack between the seat and door, but blindly feeling for it produced no phone. i glanced down and saw it in the map pocket of the door and thought, “well, that was quite the trick!”, but when i leaned over to grab it all of me leaned including the hand on the steering wheel, drifting me onto the stripe. i heard the braille noise and pulled back, but this all happened right as i crested a hill. and coming up the hill? a texas state trooper.

needless to say he lit me up pretty quickly.

when he walked up to the window i chuckled, “i don’t EVEN have to ask why you pulled me over!” and explained what happened as i handed over my licence and insurance. it probably didn’t help that when he said, “well, i’m gonna have to issue a citation for that”, i responded with, “REALLY?!?”. he did, to no surprise.

a few weeks later i went to the glorified barn that is the justice of the peace office in the bustling metropolis of maxwell, texas (population 500) and was told i had five options for payment:

1. plead guilty – goes on your record, you pay $200, but you’re done right then.

2. go to trial – if it goes in your favor, pay nothing. if it doesn’t, back to the other three options AND you wasted half a day.

3. deferred adjudication – pay the $225, keep your nose clean for six months, they drop it so it never hits your record, but of course they keep your money.

4. pay it out in installments – total cost $250, still on your record

5. take defensive driving – pay $140 in court costs, $25 for the course, nothing on your record, and you have to waste an afternoon in front of your computer (kinda like i’m doing right fucking now).

that last comment on the last one probably let you know which one i went with…and i have till the end of the year to do it. not bad, but not fun.

whiskey will be involved.

drinking and driving is not good – drinking and DEFENSIVE driving is required!