i think i need to hire a personal shopper…
…’cause it seems every time i try to make a “quick trip” to the grocery store there’s…well…an incident.
three little things – milk, ice cream, and sunkist. simple trip – hit the express line with only two people ahead of me. first one, not so bad, second one…well…keep reading.
first guy was buying a twelve back of bud light and a six pack of bud light…all in bottles. but he wants them rung up SEPARATELY. i’ve done this before when money’s low in the ol’ bank account and you’re doing that part card / part cash thing (for the record they can make these adjustments electronically now, so no need to ring up separately) but he pays for it all IN CASH! i guess all afternoon drinking makes for sloppy math at his place?
so then there was the next girl…she had eighteen items, and after beer boy i couldn’t keep it in.
“wow, guess you see that ‘ten items or less thing’ is just a suggestion, huh?”
she pointed out that fifteen of her eighteen items were all cat food, so in her eyes they all counted as ONE item. i had to explain…
“when you see a ‘six pack’ or ‘twelve pack’ of the same item PRE-PACKAGED it counts as ‘one’ item. when you grab fifteen individual cans of cat food it counts as FIFTEEN FUCKING ITEMS! by your logic somebody can come in here for their july 4th bar-b-que and buy mustard, ketchup, relish, fourty hot dogs, fourty buns, and ten twelve packs of beer and they’d be cool in this line because even though they TECHNICALLY have ninety-five items, due to your new “multi-rule” it only counts as SIX, right?”
her only response was to call me an asshole. my retort…
“i’m aware i’m an asshole, so let me spike the ball – you’re buying FIFTEEN cans of cat food, and i see NO wedding ring – why do i have a feeling none of this picture changes in the next TWENTY FUCKING YEARS since you’re THIS FUCKING ANNOYING?!?!?”
she starts to cry, i’m asked to leave, and i’m called an ‘asshole’ again by the store manager as he’s explaining why i am now banned for life from the grocery store, later to tell me he only said that because “catwoman” was still in earshot. when i moved into this town thirty years ago we had six thousand people and FOUR grocery stores.
now we have twelve thousand people and ONE – as if that wasn’t fucked up enough on it’s own…glad the ban wasn’t real.
never underestimate motherfucking charm.