dan remmick, who’s had a [sunday] six pack since, like, kindergarten…

this was a lot funnier when i was drunk…

(man, if i had a nickel for every time i’d said THAT in my life…)

…i did a grocery store run while toasty the other night for tylenol pm so i could put myself down for the count, and i still slept like crap. lots on my mind these days. never mind all that now – let’s move on to “the funny”.

while at the store i came up with this brilliantly hilarious bit about how i hate kids. not ALL kids, just a good chunk of them – and i wanted to go home and write the bit RIGHT THEN, but then i started thinking it lent itself more to a six pack bit, and as one had just posted the day i was coming up with this idea i knew it would be a couple weeks out, so i decided i’d wait and see if i could come up with even MORE funny stuff, ’cause just what i had was already pure gold…

…then i sobered up and forgot it all. don’t ya just HATE when that happens?

my girl la tina says what i feel most parents ACTUALLY think these days if they’re part of my generation…”oh, i HATE kids…i just like MY kid”. in the spirit of that comment, i bring you…

“six things parents need to know about their kids that nobody but uncle sean will tell them”

1. your infant is not “precious” or “adorable” and sure as fuck ain’t “beautiful” – seriously. a sunset is beautiful. a serene waterful is beautiful. that little shriveled up, hairless blob covered in it’s own juices is NOT beautiful, and no i don’t wanna hold it. i have maybe seen one infant in my entire life i even thought was remotely cute and non-alien looking, so for the love of god…

2. stop shoving pictures of your offspring down your single friend’s throats – if we wanted ’em, we’d have them. it’s really no great skill to “forget” a condom during sex and end up with a kid. the parents of that roach i killed in the tub today did it, so can i! but you know what i respect about the roach? no pictures of his (or her) thousands of offspring (let alone THOUSANDS of pictures of his ONE offspring)! at least none that i had to sit through, because going forward i have a simple rule…

3. i am no longer going to enable you parents by telling you your kid is cute when they’re REALLY not – in this regard, i take part of the blame. few and far between are the kids i think are cute. my boy lance’s kids turned out cute. only infant that ever impressed me (JAB’s boy) is still cute at the age of three running around mr. taco while we try and get him to eat ANYTHING in a tortilla (he wanted chicken and french fries). i like the older kids like ms. T has (aged twelve). but for the most part i really think most kids are obnoxious, annoying, and not something i want to see tons of pics of. when JAB’s boy was born we all got mass emails with a dozen or so pics every now and again. that was okay, ’cause i like the boy – but ask to be UNSUBSCRIBED from somebody’s baby pic list and you’d think you killed their dog. that’s why i am now a big fan of…

4. let the social sites do the work for you – i am going to start scaling back my facebook useage ’cause let’s face it, people that want to track my life can do it here where i feel free to type the word “asshole” rather than “@$$hole” for fear i’ll offend somebody. i just really don’t need to be on the radar as much as i have been, and with no job and no money my life isn’t lively enough to keep two online personas afloat. i WILL keep the account active because of this wonderful trend of parents creating folders for pics of their kids and posting them THERE. that rocks! you can go online, see the pics, make your little comments, the parents are alerted you commented and can comment back, it’s the next best thing to having REAL friends who are looking at REAL pics on your couch! (remember THOSE days?) meanwhile, people like me can just choose to IGNORE the fucking folders and all is well…but stop posting the pics in the folders and then when i don’t comment either…

a. emailing me the pics
b. emailing me to tell me you posted the pics

or, most offensively…

c. TEXTING MY MOBILE to tell me you put new pics of the kid up

times like this we single people’s hatred of your kids should go unquestioned. for fuck’s sake, i rarely even put announcements that new whore bits are up on facebook (that soon might be my only status updates on there, though) so stop choking me with your children. i hate to break it to you, but…

5. the outcome of this generation kind of scares so i’d rather not see it coming – the “new” generation of kids gets no trophies, ’cause everybody’s a winner. i recently saw them use a clip of “all in the family”, which i remember watching on prime-time network tv as a kid, but now they have to CENSOR it. it was bleeped. so what flew in 1974 won’t fly twenty-five years later? this is “progress”? the generation that can see an american soldier get his head cut off or all kinds of porn online can’t hang with the word “nigger” on tv? and we can’t keep score in sports so nobody thinks he’s a loser? wow – wait till they get out in the real world and see how things REALLY are…going “postal” will be an understatement compared to that cock slapping ’em in the face! it’s high time parents today realized the cruel, hard truth…

6. more than HALF of the parents that can read this have average or BELOW average kids – it’s mathematical law, folks. by definition, the average is the midway point, and below average is below it. even if your kid gives 110% to everything he does (which is highly doubtful); if the average is 115% ’cause of that one bastard asian motherfucker that gives 154% then your kid is BELOW AVERAGE. allow me to reiterate – by definition of the word more than half the kids in the country have to be average or below – but i dare you to find the parent that will admit that’s where their kid is. not only can they not have average names like “bob” or “steve” but they are all exceptional little snowflakes who will never flip burgers, serve drinks, or fix clogged toilets…

*coughing as he says it* “bullshit!”

if this is all true, and all parents are right,then i need to suck on a gun barrel but quick – ’cause in THEIR future we can’t get a drunk, hit whataburger at 3am, and roll out of bed and take a shit the next day. and if that’s their world, i don’t want any part of it!