pelting ice, peltless beavers, and porn addiction

monday found me back in amarillo. why? well, for three reasons…

1. that suck-ass drive from amarillo to ft. worth takes a year and there’s NOTHING worth doing in between, so it’s a good place to park it on the way back from “colorful” colorado.

2. since i didn’t get to see my dad on friday, i wanted to grab dinner on at least one of my passes through his adopted hometown.

3. i had an educational obligation to my readers to check out that ‘beaver’s’ place. yeah – THAT’S the reason.

what i learned very early on? mother nature doesn’t like the people up there. like the dust and oppressive heat isn’t enough, they get storms that are damn near biblical in their strength even if they only last ten minutes. i swear on the weather channel one night they were predicting a 40% chance of scattered locusts. i saw the blackest clouds i’ve ever seen in daylight, and next thing i know there’s marble sized hail.

have you ever felt the impact of marble sized hail on a shaved head? i have…and it fucking SUCKS.

a couple of scooners of sangritas later and all was well. too well. well enough to where going to beaver’s sounded like a good idea. but first, this public service announcement…

if nobody gets hurt, why do they call it hooked? sex…drugs…alcohol…tobacco…porn never take the bait.

that is an actual billboard campaign throughout the panhandle of texas. it comes complete with a giant metal hook on the billboard. and i’m thinking it works ’cause without drugs, or fucking, or booze, or WATCHING fucking, you have to look at reality in a realistic way; and all of a sudden you realize that you live in the god-awful panhandle of texas. and it SUCKS. so, as a young person, you leave. fast. REALLY fucking fast. and that’s why so many of those little towns are half closed and consist of a piss-poor hotel, five houses, a convenience store, and a dairy queen full of old people. and no, not even starbucks will set up shop here. now, where was i? oh yeah – the great comparison.

so, the first stint in amarillo this time around i saw a billboard for an all nude place called beaver’s. while kramer HAD recommended the strip clubs in amarillo (a scary thought, i must admit) i wondered how jumping they would be on a MONDAY night. any club can have the “a-team” there on a saturday, but a MONDAY? i’ve been to some in austin, and have been impressed. but amarillo? i figured a taste test was in order (NOT meant in the literal sense of the phrase) so, i decided to compare beaver’s to the one that seemed the nicest, and had the monster-sized ad in the yellow pages, cassidy’s polo club.

beaver’s:

cover: $10…unless you flinch and start to leave. then they’ll let you in for $5

dj cheese: on a scale of 1 to 10? about a 4…’cause he rarely spoke. at least while i was there; but read the next line.

amount of time i could stomach it: four songs. and two of them had the stage empty.

quality of the women: picture the slut of your high school with stretch marks that indicate multiple breeding and a body that speaks of a post-maternal meth habit. then subtract four. except the waitress; she was pretty cute. she also offered to take me into a private room to “give me a dance and show me a good time” for $50. i didn’t have THAT much sangria in me, and i didn’t wanna find out where the amarillo free clinic was. i declined.

yellow teeth rating: as bright as the corn kernels in a fresh turd. admittedly a gross analogy, but so were the women.

basic rating: run from this like mexican water through a first time tourist.

before i bring up the other joint, am i the only person that sees the humor in a place that has two buildings, one that is all about beef jerky and one that’s a “xxx adult outlet”? as in a place to get beef jerky and a place to jerk your beef? anyone else see funny here, or is it just me? but i digress…

cassidy’s polo club:

cover: $1 before 5:00, $2 from 5:00 – 9:00, and $4 after 9:00 who knew perversion could be so economically complicated?

dj cheese: 5 outta 10. average in EVERY way.

amount of time i could stomach it: six songs, give or take.

quality of women: all over the place. some i wouldn’t touch with kramer’s dick, followed by one that looked frighteningly like jennifer love hewitt with nipple rings. VERY nice. something for everyone, i suppose.

yellow teeth rating: almost eggshell. and ms. love hewitt was probably white as the driven snow…but who the fuck would be looking at her teeth?

basic rating: not bad, for amarillo and all.

still doesn’t compare to austin…but what on earth does?