drinking like smokin’ joe

it really all started with “zima”:

a clear sweet beverage sold by most bars who had beer. it was sweet and clear, so it appealed to females…but it appealed to males by how it EFFECTED females. it was stronger than beer, but went down easy, so they drank a lot of it…and then woke up in strange places in various forms of undress.

but variety is the spice of life, so new flavors of sweetness were needed – and tolerances grow, so more ABV (alcohol by volume) was needed, so zima begat smirnoff ice:

or “date rape” as shane calls it (not that he condones such behavior, you understand). but the term fits. it is the number one cause of seventeen “no’s” and a “zzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzz……..” meaning “YES!”. but smooth and potent when it comes to alcohol is a gender-neutral concept, so soon the selection got sweeter (peach, watermelon, etc) and more potent (smirnoff was 5% ABV, but some of this shit turns the dial past the spinal tap number to TWELVE percent:)

hell, there’s even one i like:

this all does what i was taught it high school you should seek out…one time JAB and i saw our history teacher, “smokin’ joe” torterette at a convenience store buying a twelve pack of black label beer. he lived two houses down from me. when we asked him why black label, he drunkenly slurred, “because it’s cheap and it gets you fucked up!”

and thirty years later, that’s all you really want out of the booze above – it’s cheap, and it gets you fucked up!

(i will quickly interject this bit is being written under the influence of not-so-cheap single grain irish whiskey procured from the building that USED to be a blockbuster where shane and i would always get movies, but now it’s a liquor store – it’s good to know the building can still fuel a night’s entertainment!)

and folks in scotland just want the same – but they drink a bit TOO much for their government standards…so they’ve now set a “price floor”, where the alcohol percent helps determine it’s minimum price. so a cider that’s their “4 loko” that was so cheap some of them print the price on the label at the factory:

will now see that price go up to around £15, five times what it was!

(and for all noticing it’s only 7.5% keep in mind this isn’t a 24oz for that price, it’s a fucking THREE LITER BOTTLE, or FOUR normal liquor bottles worth)

it’s not TAXING the poor – it’s price fixing em! sucks there’s no more cheap ways to get fucked up in scotland – glad i wanted to go to ireland instead anyway!