better late than never sixer – for only four e-z payments of $19.99!!

there’s a reason this sixer is late this sunday…

…and it’s not due to cheap vodka in seguin.

(although that didn’t help)

little known fact – one of the girls i used to go out with was into infomercials. REALLY into infomercials. she owns the “total gym” (you know, that one chuck norris and whats her name advertise) and took a shot at the cindy crawford age-defying makeup after i overslept one saturday (that went back). and before you hit the comments with a guess, it wasn’t alex.

i’ve never been into infomercials, but have gone after my share of the “seen on tv” items.

that term always bugged me…

budweiser is “seen on tv”. hell, “direct tv” is SEEN on tv. i have that in the house. today was all about research – i was going after the “pedi paw” i think it’s called…the thing that looks like a drimmell tool you use on pet claws, which i was looking for ’cause copper has nails like a cholo (for my east coast readers, think “puerto rican jersey girl”) and i figure this would solve that. so, i went around town earlier to pick one up for the dual purposes of pet grooming and whore research…

i found the little plastic things that would hide my bra straps in a tanktop. and a device to help me make my own white castle burgers. or caulk my own tub. but no pedi-paw thing. i KNOW where to get it san marcos, so i’ll pick it up on the way to the gym tomorrow…but i figured my own town would help me out on this. strike one.

but back to the infomercials…

there’s reasons i don’t buy squat off them. six reasons, actually.

6. it all starts with the guide – look on your programming guide. they called them “paid programming”. EVERYTHING on tv, technically, is “paid programming”.

5. the hosts – b-grade (or d-grade, or e-grade) celebrities and some pitch man, usually foreign, to tell you what you REALLY need. none of it is stuff we NEED. hell, most of it isn’t even stuff we want.

4. just when i get out, they pull me back in – one of the wonderful things about being thirty-seven (soon the be thirty-eight) is i’m no longer in that ever crucial 18-34 demo. i see that as a good thing – i no longer feel marketed to as much. but infomercials are made for us folks stuck at home – they’re all about help with the housework, looking better when we got out (those are aimed at women), and losing weight. i can’t think of a single one that DOESN’T fit one of those three categories. i need help with the housework. i need help losing weight. i wanna look pretty when i go out. wait – forget that last one.

3. number three was returned for a “no questions asked” refund within the first thirty days. they asked LOTS of questions. i’m still waiting for my refund. that was in march. of 2002. moving on…

2. attention span – we all watch the superbowl for the commercials – once your team is out of the playoffs (if they even made it). but a thirty minute commercial? they can draw me in for maybe ten. why?

1. SHOW ME THE MONEY – if you’re bored sometime, watch one of these things, and time how long it takes for them to tell you how much you’ll actually pay. not how much they’ll throw in if you act now at no additional charge, not how much they refund if you’re not COMPLETELY satisfied, but how much will hit the visa. it takes a while – TOO much of a while.

fuck them – just change the damn channel!