pure audio shit

01/07/2003: “”

next time you’re in a grocery store, pause for a second and listen to the music they play. in the movie high fidelity they do a nice, long monologue on mix tapes and how to put one together. picture this as the ultimate ANTI-mix tape…

absolutely, positively, emasculating, sack-shrivling, pansy-assed, panty-waste soft rock. stuff so lame that middle-aged WHITE WOMEN hear it and think, “damn…can we make it a LITTLE harder, please?” what’s worse, is when they put you on hold, it blares DIRECTLY into your brain. and today i had to call a LOT of them for work, which mean my cerebral world got to be invaded by…

1. rosanna – toto
(this inspired the damn list in the first place)

2. come sail away – styx
(note – NOT the cool, cartman version from southpark…the ORIGINAL)

3. at least two richard marx songs
(this alone warrants SOMEONE buying me a drink after work, right?)

4. i will always love you – whitney houston
(guess that’s actually worse than the marx cuts…but at least it can’t get any worse from here, huh?)

5. when a man loves a woman – michael bolton
(i spoke too soon about that “can’t get…” shit, huh?)

6. don’t speak – no doubt
(gwen, you’re hot and all…and you give awesome hugs. but this has got to be the most depressing song to come out of the 1990’s)

7. wind beneath my wings – bette midler
(at this point it should be noted that almost half this list is lame songs covered by people actually LAMER than the original artists; which is, in a sense, a major accomplishment. wonder who’ll cover #6 at some point…)

8. every time you go away – john waite
(he’s gone away, but it seems the song never will, even though it IS the title. i think this is what people call irony…or as i refer to it, when stuck on the phone listening to this little ditty in it’s entirety, HELL)

9. theme from arthur – christopher cross
(yea, though he is no longer with us (both arthur AND christopher cross, i believe) the song lives on in the produce sections coast to coast. while he may be gone, his memory lives on…with some of my readers more than others, from what’s been hinted…but no one’s talking.)

10. ANYTHING – mariah carey
(and i don’t mean that as a song title…but her earlier, pre-i-wanna-be-a-slut stuff does tend to creep in. of course, this could have also been anything by air supply, chicago, lionel richie, need i go on?)

so…can anyone think of a biggie i might have missed?

Replies: 7 Comments

3, 4, and 10. Oh yeah. I keep saying we should send all those songs AND the artists to Iraq if we’re gonna play mean….

And, as Oatmeal pointed out…BRC can go, too.

Da Goddess said @ 01/11/2003 02:54 AM CST

i forgot to add that i’m easy. easy like sunday morning.

josh said @ 01/09/2003 01:52 AM CST

apparently christopher cross is alive and kicking. according to his official website he’s appearing at cal state northridge in february. pretty good for a dead guy.

josh said @ 01/09/2003 01:50 AM CST

first off, oh red one…you’re right. it WAS the paul young song…although i heard the john waite one at target the other day…and they’re BOTH shit.

second, JAB, you have REALLY outdone yourself on that one…TOO fucking funny. dick.

sean (still laughing) said @ 01/08/2003 09:51 PM CST

Ok Mr. Music Know it all: John Waite didn’t sing “every time you go away”, I believe that was Paul Young. John Waite sang the other ballad “I ain’t missing you at all”. If you have any other questions about 80’s ballads, please don’t be afraid to call for my expertise!

the redhead said @ 01/08/2003 07:39 PM CST

you know what really sucks (even more then hearing those song at all) is hearing those song while working out. i know that you did something about that before but damn. that is what i used to hear at the gym in sm all the f’ing time it drove me ape shit. then if you did ask to change the station they would put it on some puss ass christina spears top 40 horseshit or even better some techno crap that would almost make you wish you would drop a plate on your head just to hear the ringing in your ears instead. have a great day

JACKASS

JAB said @ 01/08/2003 01:21 PM CST

I work at the world’s largest retailer, and they play that kind of stuff all day. But the overnight crew gets the better music. They actually play Metallica on overnights. The day crew gets Achy Breaky Heart, and junk like that.

Oatmeal said @ 01/08/2003 12:47 AM CST