and now for a word from our sponsors…

i’ve been watching tv lately, and some things have not sat well with me…

go figure.

one show in particular has caught my attention enough to where yes, i have watched it – but that doesn’t mean i don’t think it’s WAY jacked in it’s premise. but we’ll get to that in a second…first, a word from our sponsors –

nausea, heartburn, upset stomach…
indigestion, diarrhea…

YEAH – Pepto Bismal!!!

(it’s scary that, thirteen plus years later, this is still their jingle…but shit, if it works?)

that is ACTUALLY a jingle. i heard it the first time while careening through morning traffic, and SWORE it had to be a gag of the morning show. but then came the tv ad – with the same jingle and a DANCE to accompany it.

that is just frightening.

now, i am the first person to evoke the wise words of dan akroyd in a conversation when he said, “what the american public don’t know is what makes them the american public”…and while i admit, that the people of this country have, by and large, frightened, saddened, and spooked me as to what their collective consumerish minds have latched on to (furbees, beanie babies, american idol, etc, etc) i hardly think that they (we?) are quite gullible enough to see a jingle and dance about you needing to change your drawers mid way through work and see it as the next macarena.

but i suppose stranger things have happened; just look at the reality tv craze. and speaking of, back to our regularly scheduled program…

the swan

i have now watched both episodes. and yes, for those who know me, and know my tastes, i did think the transformed latina girl was INCREDIBLY hot. but never mind that now. i just wanna know how the recruitment ads sound, because apparently they ran radio spots all over california to get these women…

say girls – get naked and look in the mirror. now, rate yourself on a scale of 1 to 10. are you a 7 or above? tough luck – you’re not for us. a 3 or below? too bad – we are NOT miracle workers. but if you’re in that oh-so-precious 4 to 7 range, we want to give you a new you – and have you talk about how your life, your relationships, your childhood, your job, and your ass have been sucking so bad for so long that they have just sucked the life out of you on national television for the amusement of cigar-smoking, cynical web writers (and the people who read them) and anyone else who watches fox reality programming…just call 1-866-ALL-BETTER and register by phone!

or something like that.

the first girl they had on there went off about how average she was. i looked up at the screen, and she was pretty accurate. then they interviewed her husband – and he talked about how “average looking” she was.

that is just JACKED up.

then they brought on the girl’s DAD – and he repeated how “average” she was. her DAD? no wonder the girl thought she needed to improve. the team that has to work these “ugly ducklings” (the term they actually use on the show – and a woman would subject herself to this WHY?!?!?!?) is a series of plastic surgeons, a cosmetic dentist, a dermatologist, a physical trainer, and a therapist.

i think the last one is the real key here…

as in, “why do you have such low self esteem that you would do this to yourself for all of america to see anyway?”

oddly enough, that angle has yet to be explored…

but now they have two different contestants picked, and i think six to go, because each show features two girls who are matched up head to head (and breast to breast, and stomach to stomach, etc, etc) and then at the end of the show they look at one and say, “nope” – and she’s sent home. but she DOES get to keep the plastic surgery…

isn’t that nice of them?

so – who amongst my readers would go for this? maybe we can get a pool started, or i can hit the lotto or something, and we can do it for real…it just won’t be on tv.

…and before we start to nip and tuck and firm, we’ll start with LOADS of therapy.

« two lil’ bits i DIDN’T write
if anyone wants me, i’ll be on my face… »

3 Responses to and now for a word from our sponsors…
ME
April 14th, 2004 at 9:12 am
YOU KNOW THAT I AM APPLYING TO EXTREME MAKEOVER FOR THE BARBIE PACKAGE RIGHT??

sean
April 14th, 2004 at 10:18 am
i remember you mentioning it a while back – i just didn’t know what the “barbie package” was…

ME
April 16th, 2004 at 3:52 pm
Have you seen this?
http://www.subservientchicken.com

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