it’s the end of the world as we know it…(part ???)

…and yet i STILL feel fine.

although for some in my area, better safe than sorry is a better way to go, i suppose. i totally realize that. a quick theological note…

(which should scare many of you when i preface a thought that way)

i’m not a very religious man, but if you ascribe to a faith that claims that some group is what could be called “the chosen people” clearly the cajun people, we can all agree, are whatever the opposite is to that. but, i digress…

friday and saturday brought a sigh of relief to much of central texas as a “rita on the beach” once again became a good thing and a major storm once again decided to bitch slap louisiana. (hence the above comment). but sunday brought a much starker reality to many people around me…

…what do i do with all this stuff?

i missed the memo on this one – we’re gonna get a LOT of rain, so we need to buy a LOT of water!!! what the fuck? what is rain made out of in YOUR neighborhood? but, never mind that now. in honor of those of you were good little boy scouts and were prepared, we shall resurrect the sunday six pack with my idea of how to get rid of your hordings (is there such a word? clearly their should be between Y2K, terrorist fear, storms, etc):

1. spice it up!!!

you’ve got rope, duct tape, and candles in your “disaster kit”. can you think of anything else this can be used for? if not, go idea number two…

2. spice it up, part II

just give your wife your six month supply of duracells and leave the house for a few hours. she’ll be better off without you…

3. slip slidin’ away

whip out the plastic sheeting (the ultimate in home protection) the government recomended in case of biological warfare (your tax dollars at work), find a steep hill, tape the sheets together (if you still have duct tape left from idea #1) and dump out a few of those gallons upon gallons of water you’re saving. have your own slip and slide. it’ll be fun!!!

(i admit – i got this idea watching the girls next door on E! earlier tonight)

4. regress and revenge

i actually heard of one guy hear hitting the local grocery store and hording out on TOILET PAPER. no food. just two ply. i guess he didn’t realize that if you don’t eat, you don’t poop, and therefore toilet paper does you no good. but if you over stocked, and have that six months worth of eggs that i saw people buying (apparently they don’t realize those expire) and find out where that guy who pissed you off at work lives. you know the one. fuck him. you’re thirty six, degreed, and drive a saab. who the hell will suspect you, anyway?

5. bad strippers

get some strippers good and liquored up, and then i have two words for you: “ramen wrestling”.

okay, two more words: “fuck that”. that wouldn’t work out if you lived to be a million. actually, i suppose, it’s kinda gross.

6. give till it hurts

what you people SHOULD do is take it all down to the red cross or other charity and make sure it finds it’s way to rita or katrina victims who are in need so it doesn’t just spoil in your garage.

did that just come out of ME?

hope that counts as community service for judge what’s-her-name. what happens in vegas stays in vegas my ass – not the case when the pictures get leaked. for all the world, she LOOKED eighteen. sure had the skills of someone who was at least eighteen…

(what? slight mumbling heard off screen)

oh – my lawyer has advised me to cut this bit off before i say too much.

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