this is a sequel?

i used to really enjoy working concerts…

…but just like the tattoo industry, a lot of the misunderstandings between those of us behind the gate and those in front of it comes down to an assumption of knowledge of how things work that the industry folks EXPECT the general public to have, but it just ain’t there. this says “volume ii” in the title, but for the life of me i couldn’t find “volume i” – did find some other bits i wanna re-run, though…

04/09/2002: “the much anticipated concert etiquette, volume ii”

okay, so this lil’ top ten list is gonna be half and half. the even numbers are for those of you who think you “know someone”, and the odds will be for the normal folk. with the upcoming months bringing the likes of cake, stone temple pilots, crystal method, the chemical brothers, jewel, alanis morissette, bonnie raitt, dwight yoakum, p.o.d., and scores of others to austin, and me working the box office or hanging out at almost all of these shows, i figure a tip or two to help us all get through the summer without you driving me over the edge and making me want to kill you would be good.

i checked with the higher-ups in my company, and several of the big promoters around town, and found that wailing on the occasional annoying customer with a tire iron out of sheer frustration is viewed pretty much over all as a “bad thing”. can’t we all just get along? SURE!!! as long as you remember a thing or two (or ten)…

10. the guest list is NOT an internet game about kevin bacon. remember that game “6 degrees of bacon” where you would make ANYBODY fit with kevin bacon within six steps since he’s been in SO many films? (i mean hell, i think even I can trace my film career within six degrees of kevin) well, the guest list isn’t that way. it’s bascially a three degree maximum. so, your sister dates the guitarist of the opening band? you’re in. you’re best friend’s sister’s cousin had a brief lesbo thing with this girl who’s roomate did hair at the place where kid rock’s guitar tech’s mother-in-law used to get her perm? um, no.

9. repeating the price of the ticket back to me is not some magic spell that will make the price go down. the prices are on a computer system. i know this, because my “day job” is building the fucking computers. if i say tickets cost $28.00, and you repeat back, “TWENTY-EIGHT BUCKS!!!” that will not make the price go down. and saying back, “twenty-FIVE bucks” will not make me blank out and say the same price YOU stated. you are not a jedi, and i am not a storm trooper. this is a concert, not a flea market. do not attempt to haggle. i figure the volume of music, and lack of bottleg “tommy gear” shirts would clue you in to this, but after my last few “willie nights” it seems a little help may be in order.

8. in the simplest of terms, in the most practical of statements, just because you gave a free lap dance (or three) to a guy who SAID he was in town with the limp bizkit tour does NOT mean you’re on the list. that is why most topless bars do not let you run up a tab on entertainment. if they did, you’d be amazed how many “roadies” are in town at any given time. you got burned, but you make good money. you CAN afford a ticket. and hell, if you’re cute enough, you might just get in for free anyway (i probably shouldn’t have said that one out loud, huh?)

7. i am not a coat check. or a camera check. or a folding camper-chair check. if you leave stuff with me, i can not be responsible for where it ends up, even if that somewhere is on my back porch. i warned you. i TOLD you not to leave it there. you didn’t listen. the fact that you will risk a $25 camping chair rather than walk the block and a half back to your vehicle to put it up (you DO realize you only walk it back like you would at the end of the show, and walk back WITHOUT that eight pound load, right?) shows us all you REALLY didn’t want it. same goes for disposable cameras. i have one from last summer that still has to be taken in. pics 11-24 are of my doggies. 1-10 were used before the camera was chucked over the fence at the b.b. king blues festival. i’m kinda scared to see what they are.

6. my mobile phone is not yours for the asking. don’t ask me to call someone if you’re not on the list. really. it’s kinda insulting. YOU’RE the one that wants in for free. YOU call someone. you see this counter top between you and i? with me on THIS side of it, it means i’m already IN the fucking show. why would I need to call someone? i’m in. you’re not. YOU find a phone that’s NOT in my pocket and call somebody. i mean, honestly people….

5. sold out actually DOES mean sold out. as in no more tickets. as in no mas ticketos. no entrada, puta. plain and simple. a concert venue is NOT a night club where we hit fire capacity, keep you waiting on the side walk, and let you in as others leave. if they leave, they leave. that doesn’t mean you can go in, even though they can’t re-enter. in fact, i think they walked out early just to rub it in your face that THEY got in and YOU didn’t. you would have stayed the whole time, bought lots of beer, and a couple of t-shirts. they bailed early just to show YOU that none of that matters to them. i say you chase them down and kick their ass…..(if i actually see this happen this summer i might feel a little guilty)

4. i do not stuff envelopes for a living. if you’re on the list, and you thought you were getting tickets AND passes, and i hand you an envelope with your name on it that happens to be pass-free, don’t expect me to pull all access passes out of my ass. you just got $125 worth of free tickets and now your upset ’cause you don’t have vip? ain’t that a damn shame. get over it. you’re probably lucky to get the tickets. do you know how many people before you THOUGHT they were getting in for free and then had to plunk down $32.50 a head to get in? sorry, babe, but you’re not THAT cute…

3. bring purchasing credit card and photo id ACTUALLY means just that. if you have tickets at will call your name isn’t bubba johnson until the state of texas TELLS me it’s bubba johnson. and don’t come up and say that your firend put them on her card but you’re supposed to pick them up. if the tickets are under the name rebecca rodriguez, and the person trying to pick them up from me is bearded, 5’4″, and 250 (and male, i should add in) we have a problem. this procedure is followed for one reason and one reason alone; to protect credit card holders from fraud. it’s not just to piss you off. i promise. but don’t show up with a bank statement with someone elses’s name on it and a picture of you and htat person having drinks together at a ball game and think that will take the place of photo id and the credit card. while it DOES get you creative points in my book, it doesn’t get you in the door.

2. don’t name drop. unless the name you give me is the name that’s on the shirt everybody’s paying $28 for, it probably won’t mean shit to me. i don’t know the road manager’s name. or the back up singer. or the hair stylist. or the caterer. if you’re NOT on the list, you’re NOT on the list. know that i will look on EVERY list i have just to be sure. know that i WANT you to be on the list, for two simple reasons…

a. i did radio for seven years, i was always SUPPOSED to be on the list, and if i had come to a time where i wasn’t, it would have sucked, so i don’t want to do that to anybody else…

and…

b. if i can get you in the door, it gets you AWAY from me…and nine times out of ten, i’ll view that as a good thing if we’ve been dancing around this whole, “well, so and so was supposed to call the touring manager’s sister and tell her to have him put me plus four on……” bullshit.

1. this is the biggie, and i kinda goes for everybody, general public and otherwise…

knowing me doesn’t mean shit to me or anybody else.

it doesn’t. won’t get you in for free. won’t get you a discount. won’t get your camera to be let in where other’s won’t. just doesn’t happen. unless i called YOU, and offered you in (which i NEVER do), remembering me from when we used to hang out at the same club even though we never really talked doesn’t mean squat. to me or anybody else. but if you’re cool to me, i’ll be cool to you,a nd make sure you get in with minimal hassles. but if you’re a jerk, well……

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