queso bell grande

every now and again things happen in my life that are a little, shall we say, odd…

…this would be one of those times.

i’m weighing in at 225 lately and as i have gotten down below 210 in the past i feel that it’s an extra fifteen pounds i don’t need to tote around. and i learned long ago that low-carb seems to be the only way (sans pills) my body will lose weight effectively, so that’s what i’m doing.

(at this point i’d like to ask you NOT hit the comments section with other diets or ideas OR reasons low carb isn’t good for you…we’ve been through this before)

one of the fun things about low carb is that two of my favorite things, meat & cheese, are virtually carb free. add a decent portion of green, leafy (fibrous) salads into the mix and you CAN do this and be fairly healthy. but this is about one of the less healthy indulgences i do while on the diet : aerosol cheese.

you know what i’m talking about.

that cheese in a can with the neat, cake-decorating looking tip. it makes you look like you’re stoned when you eat it out of the can, but what are you gonna do? so, i was grocery shopping, had a craving for the lazy cheese (no knife needed!) so i got a can, along with about $50 worth of dead animals. all was well – until sunday night, after finishing up the last of the vodka (grill and be grilled sunday returns!) and i wanted some cheese – but it was denied; you can still feel plenty of cheese in the can, but the gas was clean out.

i needed redemption, so off to the store (slightly buzzed) i went. this is where things got messy.

i don’t know if people still do it or not, but back in the day people used to catch a buzz sucking the gas out whipping cream cans. or so i’m told. my life never got this desperate for entertainment. don’t get me wrong, i have sucked whipped cream (gas and all) out of the can – but check the label…it’s low carb.

fucking cool, huh? that is so going on my grocery list…but back to the story at hand.

so, i drag my semi-intoxicated ass to the store and go to the customer service counter. i’ll save you the full conversation, but when i presented an aerosol food product to the (much) older gentlemen behind the counter, apparently my shaven-headed, tattooed ass looked the type to suck gas out of said can to get high. he felt the needs to announce his suspicions. loudly. this caught the attention of the cop (in uniform – thank god i knew him) checking out, who came over just as i gave quite possibly the worst response for all these circumstances…

what the fuck? you think i was HUFFING CHEESE? dude, if i wanted to get high i can afford better ways to do it then that shit…


officer and i had a good laugh, comments were made about shutting down the deli “distributor” of this new narcotic craze, and the manager and i had a little chat about accusation boy’s loud mouth. i got my replacement cheese PLUS an extra for my “time and trouble”.

fuck my queso high that night ROCKED!!!

(just kidding)

side note – this was the ONE entry that got completely lost, as in not even google retrievable, as it was scheduled to post friday, the day after all went away – so now it’s out there for you…

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