racing for the century mark

well, it’s official. i am healthy. did i go to the doctor? fuck no…hell, the last time my “family physician” saw me, he said, “you’re still here? i thought you moved out of town after your mom died…” (which will be exactly seven years ago as of friday, for those into morbid statistics). more shocking to him was the fact that i still live two blocks from his office, yet he hasn’t seen me. my reasoning? I’M NOT SICK. never been into that preventitve maintenance shit when it comes to my own health…

and now i know why.

in a new study published last week by doctors at tulane university (and reported on today on cnn.com), they found after going over ten years of studies that drinking daily can help DECREASE your chance for both heart attack AND stroke. booze thins the blood. it’s good for the ticker. they just warn you to do it in moderation. now, not being into beer (never liked the taste) or wine (keep in mind…i AM straight) i shot straight to the liquor stats…which basically equal out to two or three shots a day. problem is, one of my typical drinks on a night of pool and booze has at LEAST that much…and i typically have two or three (okay…three or four) rounds. but that’s only once or twice a week. that averages out to the same amount. it’s called xtian math…what you do on the weekend has to average out for the week…going to church for an hour and ten minutes on sunday AVERAGES to ten minutes of worship PER DAY. so six stout drinks over the course of a weekend (three rounds per night) with two and a half shots of crown per equals out to an AVERAGE of two shots a night, give or take, right? so i’m doing okay…

just because i don’t live my their religous rules and buy sex toys shaped like their executed lord and savior doesn’t mean i can’t utilize their math, right? i mean, i’m not arabic, and as a general rule most americans don’t LIKE people from that region of the world these days, but they invented algebra and fate for fucking bid you try and get through high school or college without THAT shit, right? so my mathematical useage makes more sense anyway.

now, they don’t say to just drink to get healthy. that would be too easy. they also say you need to NOT smoke (i assume they mean cigarettes, since you inhale those, so my one cigar a day habit should be okay…i’ve never smoked a cigarette) and they say to exercise (you can find me at gold’s gym monday, wednesday, AND friday, thank you very much…) and eat healthy, which i was told growing up meant a balance of the four food groups…looking at dinner tonight:

sonic burger with cheese, hold the tomatos:

bun – bread group
burger – meat group
cheese – dairy group
lettuce, onions, pickles – veggie group

HOT DAMN – four for four. and on the side?

cheese stuffed jalapenos:

jalapeno – veggie group
cheese – dairy group
breading – bread group
bacon bits mixed in with ranch drssing for dipping – meat group

MOTHER FUCKER!!! – four for four TWICE.