one bite and you’re dead? fuck that…

i just can’t fathom life with a food allergy…

…as chris rock said, “only in america could we be ALLERGIC to food! the rest of the world is starving, and we have people ALLERGIC TO FOOD!”.

truth.

i have a co-worker newly allergic to gluten. i say “newly allergic” because when i met him he drank several high end beers a night, at breakfast tacos every morning, pizza for lunch, etc. i think, honestly, his body at that point was eighty percent gluten instead of water. then all of a sudden he was allergic to gluten. now if somebody butters bread in the apartment next to his he’s on the toilet for six hours. and if they roll his corn tortilla breakfast taco on the same counter as my flour one? well, that’s good for two sick days…

…which kinda seems like bullshit to me, but maybe that’s me.

gluten is just the latest craze of food allergies. i know the lactose thing is real – i’ve been around it, i’ve listened to tommy’s monologue in snatch. it’s just not a problem i have. alex (the ex) is highly allergic to shellfish and found out when a guy trying to impress her served her serviche on the beach and had to call 9-1-1. shane’s kryptonite (in addition to redheads) is onions. i just ordered a pizza from domino’s (large three topping for eight bucks – how can you go wrong?) and i got it with ham, bacon, and extra cheese (i’m muslim, ya know) and there was a big slab of raw onion i noticed as i bit into it…for me, it made the bacon taste funny. for shane? that would have been much, much worse…

…and that’s kind of what inspired the bit – i’m just innocently eating pizza that’s supposed to be all pork and cheese and shit but the guy making accidentally dropped a big slice of raw onion on it. no biggie for me – but if shane hadn’t looked at the slice before he ate it, how bad would that have turned out? one little pimple-faced idiot makes a mistake, and shane ends up in the hospital for wanting cheap lunch?

like i said, i can’t even fathom life that way…