is advice a good vice? (EXTENDED MIX!!!)

something about my life has always puzzled me…

all my friends (and perhaps they’re just being kind) make me out to be a great catch. they rave about how funny i am. what a good time they have around me. how i’m “the life of the party” and “infinitely entertaining” and “funny as hell” – and yet i can count on one hand the amount of actual bonafide girlfriends i’ve had on one hand – and even if i had been the victim of a shop class accident in high school, i’d still have some fingers left.

but that’s not what bugs me. okay, that DOES bug me – but it wasn’t the point i was shooting for from the opening…

(wow – me varying off the main topic…who’d a thunk it?)

the thing i don’t get is, despite this predominantly non-existent romantic history (and for the record it’s NOT from a fear of commitment – at least not on MY behalf) it seems that ALL my damn friends (particularly the female ones) come to me when they want romantic advice…which for my money seems as logical as going to your vegan friends to get advice on how to cook a mean steak.

i mean, if you wanna get really down to it, i haven’t had a legitimate girlfriend in the strictest sense of the word in over five years…and not from a lack of trying. it’s not that i’m afraid of a long-term thing…or that i am spooked about giving up the freedom of the “bachelor lifestyle”. quite the contrary. it’s just that she (whoever she happens to be at the time)…

a. just got out of a long-term relationship and isn’t wanting another one…

b. wants to go out and screw everything that moves so it’s not “the right time”

c. isn’t quite over (and probably will never be over) her ex

d. is focusing on her career

e. lives a few hours away and has no plans on moving

f. is not sure if she’s gay

g. has a little voice in her head that tells her to hold out for the keebler elf

h. is afraid some of those “art photos” from college might come back to haunt her

i. has stopped casting a reflection in mirrors

j. all of the above

k. both a and b

l. a, b, and c

m. a, b, c, and d

n. a, b, c…

oh, you get the idea…

and again, this wasn’t supposed to be about my terminal singledom…it was supposed to be about WHY i find myself giving love life advice to friends in tearful times of crisis when i couldn’t get a girl to commit to me after a six pack AND a dare.

but they all do it.

they all come back to me for it.

and the odd thing is i don’t think it has anything to do with my therapeutic nature (which is why took all that psych and almost double majored in college) or the fact that everybody, strangers included, feels that they can open up and tell me anything (which is how half the stuff on this site comes about in the first place). i think it boils down to one simple, common, somewhat spooky fact…

my advice tends to work…well

yep, apparently as long as i’m removed from the situation (i.e. have nothing personally to lose either way) i am logical, objective, and can see the clear path that needs to be followed. put it in the first person, not so much…so while i’m apparently gonna spend the rest of my life alone, cynical, and bitter, at least i know i can probably get a gig doing an advice column at some point, because romantically MY theme seems to be pretty easy to sum up…

those who can’t do, TEACH

my mom always HATED that expression. of course, she was a teacher by trade…and by CHOICE. for me it seems to just be a fate thing. welcome to my world…try not to step on me on your way out.

(wait…that closing line didn’t seem like TOO much of a downer, did it?)

oh yeah…and for all of you who wondered if i was serious about me being a stripper pole to start my birthday…