“i’m sorry, i think i have the wrong number…”

first off, my bad on this thing going up incomplete (and with me hitting my record number of readers at a single toss that morning, no less). with my notebook dead i have to rely on the office (risky), public places (library and what not) or friends computers to update and as the last two weekends have seen shane & i involved in a pretty massive project for the non-girlfriend (long story) i didn’t make it to the library on saturday, and there we were. so, my apologies on that, and without further ado…

with the economy in a slump there is one job we can all find with no problem, we’ve just never thought about it – phone center for a collection agency or bill collector. hell, most of us know those TOO damn well with the way things have been lately. they’re pushy. they’re annoying. they’re occasionally automated – but when they’re NOT they tend to be push and annoying. yes, we owe you money. yes, we’re running behind. but you can’t get blood from a turnip, so back the fuck off me!!!

but why don’t we ever say that?

if you’ve never had these calls, i wish the you best in forever avoiding them – but if you have, or you do, here’s how to at least make them a little more fun…

6. flirt – if the person on the other end of the line is your opposite sex (or better yet, NOT) just start up with them…not to try to get out of the debt, just to have fun. “you sound HOT…what are you wearing right now?” is a good start…

5. order dinner – we’ve all ordered a pizza enough times to know the sequence of the call, so just insert your normal pizza hut line into the conversation until they give up…

“is bob there? this is regarding an important personal business matter…”
do you guys have any specials going right now?
“sir, this is ace financial recoveries…what are you talking about?”
no, that doesn’t sound good – let me just have a large stuffed crust…
“sir, i think you’re confused…”
i need it half canadian bacon, with extra cheese, and half veggie…
“sir, you must be…”
and a two liter of pepsi…do you guys still have those brownie bites?
click

4. bart it up – nothing turns it around like a classic obscene phone call prank…ask if “mike hunt” is there…

3. ask ’em there cup size… – or cock size, if it’s a guy. think about it – it’s guaranteed to offend them (you were offended the moment they called, right?) and isn’t turn about fair play?

2. the classic – this one courtesy of JMS, back when we were teenagers, and he wanted to see if it would fly in one of those phone teen chat rooms (keep in mind our formative years pre-dated al gore creating the internet) – “i’m just sitting here in my underwear and i wanna talk bout death…”

and finally…

1. spread the word – they never call on sunday (or almost never) so make it sunday EVERYDAY by talking to them about jesus…

“is mr. smith there?
you got him, brother…
“mr. smith, are you aware that you owe time warner cable $1,345?”
yes i am, brother…are you aware that jesus died for your sins?
“um, yes, i suppose…but i’d like to talk to you about this outstanding debt…”
what? you don’t think you owe god for him sacrificing his only son for your life of sin and degredation? i’m gonna pray for you…

and begin doing so. loudly. passionately. put old black baptist women to shame…listen for the dial tone!