who you tryin’ to get crazy with ‘ese? don’t you know i’m (four) loko?

i realize life is short, but some parts of it you were just meant to miss…

…like phase four of being drunk. see, larry miller once said there were five phases of drinking (six if you live in a trailer park, but never mind that now) but i think there are truly only four.

1. the build up – this is when you’ve just started…you start to feel relaxed, the cares of the day are melting away.

2. the personality magnifier – whatever you are, this brings it out. if you love to fuck, you start to get horny. if you’re a funny person, you get funnier. if you’re a dick, you start to pick fights. whatever you are, it just makes it more…intense. a more extreme version of you, as it were.

3. the sweater begins to unravel – this is other “transitional” phase. you’ve peaked, you’re on the ride down…but it’s not too late. you just need to get home…maintain…you can do it! if you DON’T do it, than…

4. the “P” phase – something starting with the letter “p” will now happen whether you like it or not. you could Puke. you could Piss yourself. if you’re lucky you’ll just Pass the fuck out…of course, that will be UN-lucky if you tried to push phase three and now you’re driving home!

anyway you look at it, the best place to be during numero four is somewhere you can get horizontal safely…but not under the influence of four loko or joosed or whatever caffeinated swill booze they put in the stores next. first sparks got banned. then joosed. now four loko is on the chopping block. when you get to the “finale” of your night, you need to be on the fade out…not wide fucking awake. especially when you’ve been drinking the cheap shit, which tends to make for a sloppy party and an even sloppier morning after.

malt liquor, in any form, is shitty for you – you sure as fuck don’t need to be wide awake for phase four of a malt liquor bender!

it’s easy, kids – just get the twenty-four ounce rockstar, add liquor, shake, and enjoy your night. gee, i wonder if this counts as community service?