it needs to be said – a letter to “executive security”

somebody has to throw this out there…

…might as well be me.

Dear Executive Security –

(fill in whatever rent-a-cop organization patrols the lot of your favorite bar, restaurant, gym, or what have you and re-use this if need be)

I understand your underlying issue. Unlike the kids you looked up to in school, or at the police academy, you didn’t make the cut. As a result you don’t have a gun, or a real badge, or a car that can keep up with a Corvette during a high speed pursuit. Instead you have a flashlight – not even a Mag-Lite. A flashlight. And some handcuffs, that technically you don’t have the right to use, but (at least in your eyes) it impresses the chicks. And in place of some blazingly fast Dodge sedan you have a Nissan Frontier Truck…with a blinking yellow light on top. You feel belittled. You feel small…

…as well you should. The sign they put up at the end of my subdivision has a blinking yellow light on it to let us know high water might be around after a stiff rain…sadly, it actually has more authority than you. It was, at the very least, TOUCHED by an employee of the city, the same municipal organization that employs the police. In the “Six Degrees Of Kevin Bacon” sense of the phrase, that sign is closer to being a cop than you…how sad is that? It was touched by people paid by the same people that pay REAL police (three degrees) – you just have the same blinky light as it (four degrees). Actually, now that I type that, your TRUCK has the light, you just drive the truck – so technically your truck is four degrees separated from real cops, you’re actually five. Wow – no wonder you have such an attitude…

…if my life was as sad as yours, I would, too.

All that being said, let me explain something to you about your little world – those “STOP” signs in the parking lot? They’re just to control the flow of traffic – they’re not real stop signs. They look like real stop signs. They smell like real stop signs. But as they’re not at an INTERSECTION, they’re not real stop signs. So when somebody rolls through one, there’s actually no law being broken. Likewise, you don’t have any legitimate right to enforce any law. None whatsoever. Let alone a law that wasn’t even broken. So why you felt the urge to cut me off and attempt to reprimand me for blowing through a parking lot stop sign, other than any of the reasons I’ve listed above, I have no clue.

But here’s what i do know – you are sad and pathetic and deserved the finger gesture and “get the fuck out of my way” you got from me. And be thankful I don’t carry a gun in the car – although on the off chance I run into you again, I just might start.

And in case you didn’t hear me as I peeled out of the parking lot, “Go Fuck Yourself!”. It’s a parking lot stop sign, and you’re not a real cop. Get over yourself.

Yours In Christ,