saturday morning flashback

Author: Published: July 3, 2010 0 comments

normally the title would refer to hazily trying to remember what you did drunkenly the night before…

…but in this case, not so much. as hurricane alex (i always uses that term to describe the condition of my house when alex actually lived here, so for me there’s a level of comedy there others don’t get to enjoy) ravages the texas coast temperatures have plummeted into the 80’s and it’s raining…a lot. yesterday i got to drive around in austin in it (as i will do for the next several days, actually) which prompted me to decide to re-run the second astrowhore bit EVER (i do still have some of the archives that were destroyed thanks to google cache) so here it go (complete with original release date):

02/05/2002: “Rain…”
ah, rain.

waterer of lawns.

filler of rivers.

ruiner of suede shoes.
(at this point, after that last statement, i would like to add that YES, i am straight. and can provide references… hell, one of them is probably reading this..:) )

it makes staying in bed all day VERY tempting (multiply this by about 10 if you have a good snuggling partner…

(and now that i’ve used the word “snuggling”, please refer to the aforementioned statement as to my sexual preferences, and move on with this article)

but the other thing rain does? ruins the ride to work. for some reason, austinites (and i assume most drivers around this area) have an odd response to rain. from what i can see, for every three drops that comes down on a driver’s windshield, they slow down one mile and their IQ drops one point. some get so slow in a light drizzle that if they went any slower, they would go backwards. hell, i’ve been in parades that moved faster than i35 when it’s sprinkling. but then again, traffic in general has always baffled me…if you’ve got three lanes of traffic on i35 south, we’re ALL going south, so what’s the problem? why do we have to go 25 mph in a 60 mph zone? don’t get me wrong, i don’t have anything (or anyone) special waiting for me at home at this point in my life; and i love my job so i’m really in no hurry to get away from the office or anything, but come on people. you know it’s just those one or two up front. the one’s with THOSE wives (or husbands) at home. the one’s that are PRAYING not to get home any sooner than they have to. those people, i feel, need their own lane.

in dallas and houston, and most major cities, they have “hov” lanes for carpoolers, with “hov” standing for “high occupancy vehicles”. i think these people need “dlmgha” lanes; which while it LOOKS like an appetizer at an indian eatery, stands for “don’t let me get home alive” lanes. that way, they can just run into each other, at nice slow speeds, and be out of our way. of course, the lanes would have to be domed, or the rubber-necking would kick in and ALL hell would break loose.

i figure with the way that highway improvements happen around here, if we start talking to politicians now, it should be on the ballot, passed, and added to our highways by the year 2120 or so. for those of you around austin, you know that the egyptians built the pyramids in one third the time it’s taken our guys to get THIS far on the ben white / i35 fly over.

editors note: this was written over eight years ago, and they JUST STARTED to work on the final phase of the flyover i refer to in the last paragraph a month or so ago. on that note, let’s close with one of the consistantly most popular sellers on one of me & shanes fave shirt sites…

i’m not sayin’, i’m just sayin’; and notice i never even HINTED what color the slaves need to be, lest you rush to the comments section…

Next post:

Previous post: