if spock was human, he’d be indian (my geeked-out subject line for the year)

i payed my mortgage yesterday…

…why?

’cause it was the right thing to do? because it’s being responsible? because i don’t wanna be homeless?

nopers – i didn’t want the hassle and bullshit that goes with being just a LITTLE late.

my mortgage statement (the paper one they still send in the mail despite numerous online forms filled out to go paperless and such) lists two payment amounts for any given month – the payment made BEFORE the fifteenth of the month, and the payment made AFTER the fifteenth of the month. from where i’m sitting, that means just pay between the first and the fifteenth and you’re cool.

they clearly don’t sit where i sit.

last month bills and checks hit weird for me (or maybe i just bought too much extra stupid shit) and i ended up having to push off my mortgage payment till the twelfth of the month. it took till cinco de mayo till the phone started to ring…

…a LOT.

several times a day – usually with a pre-recorded message:

please call american home mortgage – there is an important discussion we need to have regarding your house payment. you can reach us at 877-304-3100 between 7am and 9pm central time. that number again is 877-304-3100…

please note the new name of my mortgage company (AMERICAN home mortgage). this name does not, apparently, negate them from having call centers in bangalore. what’s nice is if you call them and DO get an indian (or phillipino) call center you can simply ask to speak to an american, and with only a slight amount of hassle they transfer you. worst case scenario you get this recording…

we’re sorry, but all of our stateside call centers are closed…to speak to one of our OTHER call centers please press one…otherwise, please call back between 7am and 4pm central time…

you’ll notice there’s a five hour delta (4pm-9pm) between those two messages – that’s the difference between MAYBE getting your call on foreign soil and GUARANTEEING your call ends up on foreign soil. speaking of, one time after cinco de mayo i got the call and rather than letting it roll to voice mail (as i had started to do) i picked up…

…and it was after 4:00pm central time. this person was NOT stateside, but was one of those robots with skin in india. they have a script. they will read that script. they will NOT deviate from that script. no matter WHAT you do, as i quickly found out…

hello?
hello…
hello?
i SAID “hello…”
please call american home mortgage…
i’m right here – what do you need?
there is an important discussion we need to have regarding your house payment.
if it’s that important stop reading your FUCKING SCRIPT and tell me what it is!!!
you can reach us at 877-304-3100 between 7am and 9pm central time.
bollywood sucks!!! and your six year old sister deserves to be a prostitute!!!
that number again is 877-304-3100…
fuck you, dot head!
click

it should quickly be noted, i don’t have anything against indian folk in general – but that’s ridiculous. there HAS to be something on that script sheet that says “read this IF they don’t answer” but that direction was clearly ignored, but the others on the sheet were followed FRIGHTENINGLY well.

indian call reps – the closest thing god has gotten to cybernetic technology.

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