that’s mighty gangsta, hillbilly

i did a LITTLE research on this one a couple weeks ago…

…and why i felt the urge to type “little” in all BIG letters i have no idea. but let’s move on.

i’ve always had one simple rule (okay, i have more than one, but one when it comes to this particular subject): if you can’t park it properly, you shouldn’t drive it. but at least once a week lately i’m having to pitch stuff into one seat or another in my car because some dipshit pulls one of these ones:

or, more often than not, the backwards version thereof. this is where the research comes in. i live in texas. people here have trucks. i get that, having been here for damn near thirty-nine years and all. i live in a small town – that ups the “truck-resident ratio”. i get this. JAB drives a big truck and tends to back it into parking spaces, as many guys around here do.

i don’t get it.

the backing in thing i’ve seen in the ghetto, i think the theory being it allows for a quicker get away. more “gangsta” that way, i guess. with a big fuck-all truck you’re not getting away quickly or easily any way you look at it. when i called JAB to ask why they do this, i prefaced it by saying “and DON’T say it’s because it’s easier to get out of the space (which would make sense) because i just got held up by a guy who blocked the entire front section of the liquor store parking lot while he took FOUR FUCKING ATTEMPTS to back his ford F350 crew cab deluxe truckasaurus bullshit into a space…what he saves in the ‘get out’ can’t even begin to make up for the extra time it took him to ‘get in’, damn it!!!”

“then i don’t know what to tell you…”, was JAB’s response. i think it’s because HE does it to get out of spaces easier. and in his defense, he backs into spaces in a single throw. almost as fast as most people park forwards. that makes sense. but when you can’t even park the fucker forwards…

…you have no need to park it backwards. believe it or not, those lines you see are not leftover remnants of some long-gone civilization that haven’t been picked through by an anthropologist – they’re there to denote where your vehicle should, and more accurately, SHOULDN’T be…so when you hug the line you could end up in the situation a girl i used to go out with would create, as she didn’t give a shit about the outward appearance of her car, so she would hug up on you like this…

…just to teach you a lesson. preferably on the drivers side, but in this case the passenger. of course, the other side of the coin is people who just flat out KNOW they can’t park their truck worth a shit, so they just do this:

i used to do this at the gym as the spaces were retarded small. i STILL do this at trudy’s on occasion ’cause one row of their spaces are mis-sized, too. but at the store today i KNOW that the spaces are good sized – you just don’t know how to park your fuck-all big ford f-compensation deluxe dually cab-a-noserous. so, that green dent in the door is from me opening my door hard, four times, into it, just to get that extra inch i needed to get the bags in the door. good thing it wasn’t a person that needed to make it through the opening – that would have require a dent only a tire iron or hammer could make…

…and your side mirror that almost clocked me in the head as i did this? that’s in the bed next to your toolbox. that just took a wrench and an extra sixty seconds out of my day. dickweed.