the back of my baseball card

before we get to my stats, i’d like to re-visit an old comedic routine…

…that i didn’t write, i might add.

i don’t recall who said it, but somebody (and i’m sure it was more than one person) once pointed out that in your lifetime you are only legally “pronounced” one of two things:

1. married
2. dead

coincidence? i think not…

i say this being terminally single (hey, what are ya gonna do?) and eventually it’ll serve me well financially (’cause shane will owe me a grand in thirteen years) – my boss says it should be taking care of me financially now, but…yeah…not so much.

i can only imagine how much worse it would be if i had NON-puppy mouths to feed. but, i digress…let’s get back to my stats.

if you want to ensure matrimonial bliss (pardon the pun – one of you gets that) there’s one thing you need to do – DON’T have me in your wedding. i was thinking about this the other day (whenever a birthday passes i think about where i am in my world as compared to my dad or my friends or what have you) and it occured to me that i have been in FIVE weddings in my lifetime…

(always the groomsman, never the groom)

…and three of those have ended in divorce. pert near four. those are NOT good odds. on the other hand, i’ve never been divorced. people look at you weird when you’re thirty-seven and have NEVER been married, but if you fucked up and got divorced they just figured that’s normal. if NOT making that move mistakenly makes me odd, colour me odd.

(what color would that be?)

on the upside (or downside, depending on how you want to look at things) i have given the eulogy at FOUR funerals (all for women, now that i think about it…what does that say?) and all four of them are still dead.

so, while i’m available for weddings AND funerals, i would only book me for the latter…unless you want to be a living dead zombie, in which case you probably shouldn’t book me at all.

my mind can be a strange place sometimes, huh?