the good, the bad, and the ugly – the return to titty bars…

i can tell you what made me stop going to strip clubs…

…my ex.

a lot of people are thinking they can relate to me right now. not a lot of women are happy with their guy going to titty bars. i, however, didn’t have that problem. what happened was my ex wanted to buy me a lapdance for my birthday. sweet thought, i suppose. but every time we went i never saw a girl that made me go, “DAMN, i want me some of that!!!”

in hindsight it might have been the relationship i was in? let’s move on…

she was all sorts of gung-ho about this, so i got dragged to two or three different strip clubs (okay, so “dragged” might be pushing it a bit) and never found jack…or a jill worth a twenty, to be more accurate. but she kept harping, and it kinda ruined the experience for me for a while. but i’m thinking now that i’m a year and some change single i might have to start exploring the seedy underbelly (and the boobs just above it) again…

since this is sunday, home of the “sixer”, i’m gonna do the list…but i’m gonna do it in halves. first off, three girls that always get at least a buck or two from me…

(and my apologies to harold for this not being “countdown style” as i promised, but it didn’t really fit with this one…)

1. the hottie mexican girl that’s under 5’4″ – she can’t be skinny, she’s got to have curves. not “i can eat my weight in enchiladas” kinda curves, but t&a kinda curves. beanpoles need not apply.

2. the white girl with the great ink – typically brunette, kinda alternative looking, possibly with bettie page hair. always curvy, always fun, rarely tan…and that’s okay.

3. the goth girl – sue me, while i’ve haven’t been into this type lately (in the sense that i can’t picture myself dating some queen on the undead at the age of thirty-seven), something about the hot topic hottie always takes me back to the girls at curfew i wanted to fuck when i was fresh outta high school (who had the look but it was before the term “goth” was coined or at least in more mainstream use). you know she’s coming ’cause you hear some odd a.f.i. song or the opening chords of marilyn manson as the stage fills with smoke.

and then there’s the three i NEVER tip…

4. barbie – the blonde, tan, bubble boobed girl? does NOTHING for me…plus, she’s usually got a crowd of gel-haired frat boys in crooked visors, anyway. she won’t miss me…and the feeling is mutual.

5. the “me gazer” – you have to watch this one, and it gets kinda funny. this is the one that does a lap dance (or in the case of something i recently witnessed, around eight) for a guy and never really looks at him…most of the moves are “ass on nuts”, with her staring at herself in the mirror…and kinda getting off on it. where did she stuff an ego that big in a frame that small? oh, wait…NOW i see it…

6. the “you’ve gotta be kidding me” – typically WAY to large or WAY too skinny, you have to wonder if it was done on a dare. more times than not it’s the latter, and you just want to have her sit at your table so you can feed her something. it brings out the sally struthers in you…but not a horny version. wait…that’s just disturbing.

so, who’s in? grab some singles and call me…but be aware of that austin sin tax. what the fuck?