once in a great while something i wrote a while back impresses me…
…this is one of those times!
then i don’t want to be righter…
by sean ~ August 1st, 2005. Filed under: Uncategorized.
“if loving you is wrong, i don’t wanna be right” – so sayeth the old tune…
…but as chris rock says – “if you haven’t practiced your alibi in front of a mirror, you ain’t never been in love…”
sadly, the latter tends to apply a bit more often, don’t it?
but what happens when what was once “wrong” actually GOES wrong? or just something in it goes wrong? is it a passive/aggressive exit plan, or are you just evil? is being wrongER being rightER?
something to think about…
here’s an example or six –
(you knew a sunday night sixer had to come of this, right???)
1. right – being into your significant other’s kinky side
wrong – getting them fucked up to take advantage of it in new ways
wronger – posting pictures of it online without their knowledge…
…after the break up.
…with their face NOT hidden or distorted in any way.
…and you photo shop in their pet pug “mugsy”, and get you out of them.
see, right, wrong, wronger – and then some.
as prick once said, “welcome to my mind”.
(no – it actually is a real song. that wasn’t another sex reference)
2. right – cat sitting your girlfriend’s cat while she’s out of town even though you hate it.
wrong – starting up the dryer even though you damn well know the fucker is in there but you then can make it “look like an accident…”
wronger – feeling guilty, you try to get one at the shelter that looks just like it and pass it off.
…and she buys it, so you don’t say shit.
…then the old one starts to stink up your trunk, so you sell it to a korean restaurant.
…then take her their for your anniversary the next day.
(fuck y’all – i didn’t **want** to be righter…i hate cats (zeek in dallas being excused from that hatred, of course, since his dad is so fucking cool)
3. right – helping your boyfriend out when his computer goes on the fritz by fixing it.
wrong – using the knowledge you gain to read his emails without him knowing.
wronger – setting up the emails of all his “we’re still just friends” exes as “spam” in his settings.
…then setting up an auto-reply for spam that says, “thanks for all the responses to the ad on “chickswithdicks.com”, but my new boy/girlfriend and i are happy, so all the best to all of you”.
…and after you split up, actually posting an ad for him on said site, and several other gay leather sites, even though your ex was neither gay nor into such things.
…and CCing his mom’s email address on all responses out of the spam folder.
(the moral is, PINs are changeable, folks…)
4. right – showing up at your girlfriend’s place with flowers
wrong – when “flowers” is not meant as a botanical term, but is rather the stage name of a stripper
wronger – when you’re showing up this way at 8:00 am and stinking drunk.
…or worse, you show up at 8:00 pm and you’re sober.
…worse still, you just came from your place, not a strip club.
…worser still, she knows “flowers” as her younger sister, beckah.
(you knew SOME of your personal hells would come out in this bit, right? no names mentioned on this one…)
5. right – going to victoria’s secret with your girl to show that such things don’t scare you
wrong – hitting on the salesgirl while your girl is in the fitting room
wronger – scoring a number.
…even worse to use it.
…worse still, to use and abuse the sales girl.
…and yet lower to use the salesgirl’s discount to get the stuff your girlfriend wanted in the first place at a better price.
(at least i’ve been told by some it’s “even worse” and “worse still” – but if you have the RIGHT girlfriend, and you let her watch, this could all be the start of something very, very, beautiful…)
…and then you wake up. let’s wrap this up, shall we? and since that’s two in a row with the infidelity theme, let’s switch it up a bit and see how low we can go –
6. right – offering to do your woman’s laundry since she’s been “so damn busy lately…”
**note** – this would never happen at my house for many, MANY reasons…
wrong – sniffing her panties as you pull them out of the basket
wronger – pocketing them as a treat for yourself for later.
…cost of ad to sell them on ebay when she pisses you off? five dollars…
…cost of shipping them to the winning bidder who, once you get HER information, you realize is her little sister who hasn’t come out yet? six twenty-eight…
…but getting to reveal this info over the thanksgiving dinner table in front of parents, grandparents, et al when you were tired of the drama-rich bitch anyway? priceless…
for everything else, there’s debit mastercard…
(and that’s what that trailer park bitch gets for making fun of my musical taste and calling depeche mode a bunch of “synth fags”…)