evil ice capades

for the last two seasons i’ve worked pretty much every hockey game the austin ice bats have had at home. it’s okay, but i’m starting to decide i kinda want my weekends back. just seems to me that for the amount that ends up in my pocket, i could spend my weekends doing other things and kinda get my life and home and such back on the track it needs to be on. so friday night was the first game i worked this season, since last week was bocktoberfest and all…

i saw the schedule of promos for the season and one of them blew me away. in january they’re having MULLET NIGHT!!! have you ever tried to talk to someone that HAS a mullet ABOUT mullets? most of them either don’t know what one is or they think they don’t have one. best case scenario they think it’s a GOOD thing…but i digress.

like this wasn’t all white trash enough. keep in mind this is hockey played in a rodeo arena. yes, that’s right…a rodeo arena. if you look at a schedule for any of the seven seasons the bats have been playing, you’ll notice that march is always “dark”, in theater terms. it’s because that’s when the joint is taken over by the travis county livestock show and rodeo…and NOTHING is allowed to step on the toes of a rodeo in texas. it just simply isn’t done. how do you convince a die-hard redneck that hockey is a good thing? turn it into a rodeo event, of course. believe it or not, i’m convinced this CAN be done.

let’s ponder, shall we? there’s already events where they ride things, and rope things, and wrassle things. so how do you make a cowboy want to allow hockey and rodeo collide in more than just venue choices? tap into two elements of redneckism that AREN’T addressed in rodeo…

fighting and racism…

think about it…the closest term de rodeo that’s used is “cow punching”. but they don’t actually PUNCH the cows, of course…lest some peta redneck go insane. but punching a human? that’s a whole different story…and the type any redneck wants to beat the hell out of?

sissies.

and it doesn’t get any more sissafied than figure skaters, does it? i guess it KINDA does, but you could swing that one to your favor pretty easily if you worked it properly. so first, you tap the racism element with the following statement, padded properly, in ads…the basic gist?

“we’re adding a new event to the rodeo this year…ones where a bunch of tough guys chase down a little black piece of shit and slap it around with sticks…”

we just don’t mention that the “black piece…” is actually made of RUBBER. or that it’s from czechoslovakia. but ya know, sometimes it’s what you forget to say that makes the sale, ya know?

so, they get into it…and they show up. you open the beer bar about an hour before game time, and their buzz won’t wear off till most of the way through the third, i’m figuring…then away you go! they suddenly realize that the whole racial thing was a ploy (thank god) and that “them little fuckers run so smooth” because they’re actually on ice….and SKATING.

bunch of fucking sissies…

then you spike the ball, on the one arena-draw sport that has no balls…for the sport that is. tell the rednecks they’re all CANADIAN!!!

then give THEM some sticks…and GAME ON!!!

now THAT’S a hockey game anyone would enjoy watching, even if you don’t LIKE hockey. the canucks versus the cousin-fuckers. that’s a battle royale…we could install hidden cameras and do the whole thing up on pay-per-view.

so, let’s get ready to rumble…

Replies: 2 Comments

I still loved that one comment, from a redneck Jackalopes fan, “Man, it was great, they had to stop game to scrape the blood off the ice!”

They loved it.

astrofishy said @ 10/28/2002 03:17 PM GMT

So your sayin there is actual hockey being played in the state of Texas…I’m confused, shocked and extremely amused. The most important thing is that there’s plenty of high sticking and blood donations!

Lugs again said @ 10/28/2002 05:37 AM GMT