mallrats no more?

maybe i’m getting older?

no, that can’t be it.

or so i shall convince myself.

i’m about to go to the mall to go returning. exchanging, to be honest. no money will exchange hands, but I have a gift that didn’t fit and while the giver of said item would prefer i went with her and we participate in this process together, she’s out of town on business this week and i refuse to go the mall on weekends anymore. i ran there last saturday and could have easily been convicted of manslaughter (and remember – you can’t spell “manslaughter” without “laughter”) with the aggravation of the experience. i think, going forward, i’m going to have to boycott shopping malls on weekends regardless of what the hell i may THINK i need. work’s been sucking, money is drying up, so it’s probably all for the best, anyway…but here’s my six pack of reasons why:

1. you shouldn’t need a sherpa guide to get from your car to the door – honestly. i think my car was actually in a separate voting district then the entrance i used. hell, at least i found it easily when i left (one of you knows i’m aiming that one in their direction).

2. pick up the pace! – ME and i have discussed this. while we’re all about the leisurely shopping experience, even a stoned pill popper listening to radiohead on his ipod knows there’s such a thing as TOO leisurely a pace. i encountered it with both young AND old people. and they always walk at a crawling pace, three or four across, so you can’t pass. what kind of conspiracy is this?

3. number three was redeemed at the food court for half off a pretzel

4. help me – psyche! – what i never realized, and perhaps i sucked at this when i worked retail, is that customer service requires a certain balance in the mall, and no place i went had it. i was either constantly assaulted by sales people asking if they could help me (we know where the commission sales people are, i guess) or i would be in the store for fifteen minutes and nobody would notice. i learned lobbing merchandise at them gets their attention. doesn’t make them happy, but it does get you attention. shit, if you’re gonna act like chimps in the zoo and just stand there, be glad i didn’t throw what **they** throw…

5. i must be the happy medium – i’m gonna watch for this, but i swear no people my age go to the mall anymore. it’s either teenagers (who could very easily be twenty-three…i’m getting to be a pretty shitty judge of this) or people that are old enough to be my dad’s older brother. in between? my age? i guess they’re all too busy raising kids or hung over (or both, in the case of some of my peer group) to bother. that’s what target’s for!

6. free at last! – i guess it’s a bad sign when your favorite part of a shopping excursion is when you see your car in the parking lot on the way back to it (and again, one of you had this experience quadrupled since you looked over an hour for it…you KNOW who you are. but never mind that now…). granted, i was in a rush and was trying to meet a timeline (which i missed by five minutes, but what can you do?) but i used to shop like a chick (and kinda dig it) and clearly economics and past girlfriends have ruined that part of me…

…or perhaps the other one finally dropped. next thing you know i’ll want to go hunting.

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