shut up or i’ll fart in your mouth

ya wanna know one of THE most scientifically proven ways to know that your night has regressed into a socially bad place? to know that you’re no longer thinking with your head? or if you’re a guy, the OTHER head, either? or your heart? or your wallet? how to know all thought processes are being controlled purely by tequila, and everclear (and NOT the lame alt-rock band, but rather the potent liquor they stole their name from)? and later, by really, REALLY good weed i believe they called “hydro”?

simple…

if the subject line of this piece is the CATCH-PHRASE for the evening, for about FIVE hours, you KNOW you’ve reached an odd place. and that was saturday night for me, and josh, and shane (with josh later swapped out for a DIFFERENT josh, plus matt, brian, and harold (the tattoo GOD of my world)).

it all stemmed from a story i’d once told shane; and last night i found out that now that shane can’t hear my stories as often (since he no longer shares an office with me at star) he now regurgitates a phrase or two that jogs his memory on one of my stories (while intoxicated), than asks me to entertain anyone around with that particular tale of my life…

this one dates back to high school, when my friend michael and his sister shannon were mid argument…she was sitting on the couch, and the back of their couch ran perpendicular to the front door to kind of create a makeshift entry hall. she kept after him in the dispute, and he just finally shot back, “shannon, if you don’t shut up, i’m gonna fart in your mouth”. to which she yelled, “MICHAEL…that is SO nasty..you WILL NOT. SHUT UP!!!”

he calmly walked up behind her, and in one swift movement yanked back her pony tail, lifted his leg over her face, and passed wind. due to the shock (or excitement, depending on which type of person you are) of having your head snatched back by your pony tail, her mouth was gaping open; so he LITERALLY farted in her mouth, and then ran like hell.

what makes this even funnier is that michael is now the manager of a verizon wireless store, with a wife and kids. i WILL share this story with his kids at some point…

so, i told this story between round one and two; two being where i stopped due to the house policy on the purple ‘ritas, but shane went on to a third (surprisingly they didn’t stop him; but i’ll still stop at two unless someone else is gonna drive and i feel like achieving a new level of sloppiness. and in case josh’s girlfriend is reading, don’t worry…he only drank corona).

then it was off to san marcos, where i found an actual cure for the booze in the purples…REALLY good weed. “hydro”, i believe they call it. i didn’t think it would hit me that hard, but considering it seemed like only about twenty minutes i was on the couch, but when i got in the car it had been two hours, i went home and slept. well. damn well. but almost TOO well. we’ll get to that another time.

Replies: 3 Comments

Its got to be a true story… too funny to think that one up. What makes it so funny to me is that Micheal threatened AND delivered… That is so funny!

Annie in Jawja said @ 06/28/2002 08:37 PM GMT

i dunno…but you remember him well enough as a teenager to know it is…

sean (i write this stuff) said @ 06/25/2002 07:43 PM GMT

i wonder how many of your readers DON’T believe that that’s a true story.

kathi said @ 06/25/2002 02:15 PM GMT