tips and tricks no longer needed (a throwback)

so, both perfectly aged bits were already used for today…

…since i’ll be doing my last workout of the week today, we’ll instead go with:

01/20/2004: “carbon dating”

this will probably hurt come morning…

i won’t bore you with all the details, but my real workout for the first part of 2k4 is finally in effect, where i try to pack on the muscle tone and still drop down to under 200 by my birthday, just to see if i can. i mean, i started at 264, and now i’m down to 217…and that actually only took from may to august; i just kinda flat lined there and haven’t really put much of an effort into dropping below that.

now i’m putting forth the effort.

i went to the gym tonight, and you can definitely tell that it is t-minus eight weeks and counting. that’s right, many a girl (and a few guys, but mainly girls it seems) have realized that the holiday snacking has hit all the uncool areas and spring break approacheth. this is the time of year i hate going to the gym, because the hot female population goes up.

and no, i have NOT turned gay. far from. and in this case, that’s the problem.

i love women, and the more gorgeous and toned the better. so when attractive women come into the gym, they tend to get my attention…and the one time my attention REALLY needs to be focused is times like, for example, when i am lowering approximately 600 lbs into a position where i can either lift it or let it crush my torso. i prefer to do the former…but let me get distracted enough, and things could get splatacular.

the one thing that helped at least keep me a LITTLE focused was a thing i saw in some men’s mag this weekend (i THINK it was stuff) where they showed celebrities with hot women, and the kramer-esque title of the piece was “Daughter or Date?”

i realized that far too often we (as in guys) do tend to aim a bit young once we get into our thirties (and beyond). we live off that great quote from social scientist, al bundy, that a real man must “love girls and hate women”. legal as it may be, i need to realize the word “teen” being at the end of an age makes it off limits. hell, for that matter, too young to drink needs to be my cut off. see, i have a problem…

(and i don’t mean my drinking…the only problem there is that i stay sober too often and as a result i see how entertaining most of the world ain’t).

my problem is i have become a SHITTY judge of age. so, i had to come up with a couple of things i check. after that whole ring thing of course. been burned by that in the past. but never mind that now.

as an example, let’s take one of the lovely ladies in the gold’s gym in round rock, texas, this evening. we’ll call her “kari”. why? because that’s her name…which she said i wouldn’t DARE use. so i gave her the url and told her to read away when she got up in the morning.

the bottom line is, don’t DARE me to do things. or say, “i wouldn’t dare”. but again, i digress.

kari has the kind of body that most hooter’s girls would be jealous of. tonight she was also wearing the kind of ensemble most hooter’s girls would be ashamed to wear in public. a sports bra that was smaller than most (as in coverage, not an insult to her breast size) and shorts that, to be honest, if they were any shorter she would need TWO hair styles to wear if you know what i’m saying and i think you do.

so how old was this exquisite, all be it slutty-looking creature? let’s check; test one:

ink. piercings don’t count because most places i know WILL pierce minors with a parent or legal guardian. but tattoos are a whole different story. now, i have known people who got them done as minors. but typically you don’t get the BEST work that way. so, if you see decent ink on a girl, chances are it was done professionally, and greater chances are she was eighteen when it was done. now, in kari’s case, the faire that was on her lower back, ending down just a half inch above the crack of her ass (so in those shorts, the whole thing showed) looked professionally done, but was faded just enough to hint at about three summers of swimming and tanning, so i guessed her at 21.

i asked. and i was right. then she asked, “why?”, and the ensuing, “you wouldn’t dare…” was interjected. so, that’s my main test. no tattoos and i’m lost. i occasionally check around the eyes for wrinkles, but otherwise i get lost on this one. so, what tips do any of you have? other than an i.d. check, what’s a good way to make sure the girl you see and want to take to happy hour can actually, legally, go?

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