gettin’ crusty (a flashback)

i think i may need to move…or become more of a hermit. or just live here in lockhart, but not actually associate with the townspeople (current l-town friends excluded from that ban, of course). allow me to explain…

see, it was one of those afternoons. the ones where the new staff we’ve hired DID keep the tech support calls off of me so i could do my job…but the one i did happen to take was one where i had to deal with someone so stupid that it took sixty seconds to explain to her what a SPACE BAR was. that level of stupidity doesn’t need to be allowed around scissors, let alone a computer. i bet the fuck still doesn’t now how to operate all the buttons on their remote control at home. these people don’t just annoy me…they scare me.

so i hit the gym, do my leg stuff, work out some tension, and head home. on the way home, the “sister” and i decide that a pizza might be in order. for the longest time pizza hut RULED this town. mr. gatti’s came and went in the late ’80s, and there was some small place that disappeared almost as fast as it arrived a couple of years ago. but now we’ve got a domino’s (as of six weeks ago) and a little caesar’s. we went with the latter. and surprisingly, i had no crowd to deal with…but only ’cause it wasn’t opening weekend.

odd thing about lockhart…about 11,000 people; and when a new joint opens to eat, they act like they’ve never seen such a thing. when subway opened, that store set a national record for an opening weekend for any subway EVER. and when mcdonald’s opened a year or so later? they were so backed up at the drive through i once went to the one in san marcos (30 miles away round trip) and got my food back to my house quicker than the people who waited in the lockhart line. they even let you PHONE your order in. but back to pizza night…

i call in and ask about the $5.99 carry-out deal i saw in the ad i got in the mail. “huh?”, was the response i got. “you know…the large one topping for $5.99, with crazy bread for $.99 more. i want that…” “what? um…hold on…” and all of a sudden i’m talking to a girl instead of a guy…”can i help you?” “um…yeah. unlike the guy who just handed you the phone, do you speak english and are you NOT high?” “um…what?” shit. fuck. “listen…do you know the $5.99 deal y’all have on the ad?” “sure…large one topping, add crazy bread for $.99” “EXACTLY!!! that with canadian bacon. the name’s sean.” “okay…give us ten minutes.”

perfect.

then i arrive, and it’s just surreal. see, they were training the entire staff, and there they all were…fourteen people all dressed alike, all in various states of work or slack, and me as the only customer. then came the odd moment.

“SEAN!!! got an order for SEAN here….”

he looks at me…”are YOU sean?”

i reply, “are YOU kidding? dude…there are fifteen people in this room. fourteen of them are wearing shirts that have a little gladiator guy on the front. the other is a big bald guy. name the CUSTOMER in this scenario…”

idiot! idiot!

then i went to kathi’s, chilled a bit, watched a big chunk of the wedding singer, and went home. now, on my way home i stopped off to get some milk and a lotto ticket. as i’m walking out the clerk says, “good luck, sir”, which i can only assume is due to the lotto purchase, so i reply, “yeah…if i win i’ll float $100 your way.” his response? “$100?!?!? the jackpot is like $15,000,000.00, and all i get is $100?”

what the FUCK?

who does this person think they are? i only know his name ’cause it’s on a tag…and now i owe him four figures or something? for what? shoving a piece of paper i had to fill out in a machine, giving me the ticket it printed and cut for him, and taking a dollar? is that brain surgery? does he have a tip jar i can fill? i mean, if you won the lottery, would you get a big stack of $100s and just hand them out to people? me neither…but he said, good luck”, and i thought it was a nice response. greedy prick. i told him, “okay…$100, and a good ol’ fashioned ass whooping for being so fucking greedy…”

that shut him up.

maybe i should move. although dumb fucks do give me a WEALTH of material, don’t they?

Replies: 6 Comments

Well, yeah, josh, and the D.A. in Lockhart just declined hiring me personally, so don’t even get me started on that one….

not THAT redhead….. said @ 03/07/2003 06:55 AM CST

stupidity does breed lawyer job security IF they can find a job. i didn’t realize how hard it was for a lawyer to find one.

josh said @ 03/07/2003 12:29 AM CST

LOTTERY TIP:

A helpful hint to jackpot winners … When you win the lottery, DON’T claim the dough until after you have consulted a lawyer specializing in tax/estate planning and set something up. Here’s some juicy reading on it if you care: http://www.professorbeyer.com/Articles/Lottery.htm

Speaking of lawyers, their job security is strong with all the intensely stupid people the world continues to breed.

Teeth, Esq. said @ 03/06/2003 11:55 PM CST

I take it the flocking thing doesn’t also apply to the gym on the town square….at least the locals don’t look it.

not THAT redhead… said @ 03/06/2003 08:19 PM CST

LOL.
Nice to know ‘small town’ (it’s relative..i’m currently in a town of 5000, compared to the 400,000 in the closest metropolitan city) stupidity is universal.

Greg said @ 03/06/2003 12:54 PM CST

thanks… another smile put on my face!