johnny law, get your priorities straight!

i don’t even know where to begin with this shit…

…fuck it, let’s start it like this:

(before i go further, all below this line was written on copious shots of rumple minze – but i AM still sober enough to check the spelling on the bottle since it got that little red dotted line firefox throws down on misspelled words (one of which, ironically, is “firefox” – i guess because i didn’t capitalize the “f”? let’s check – “Firefox” – yep,that did it. arrogant bastards…) let’s move on, before i call domino’s – why is it drinking makes me crave extremely unhealthy food? so goes life for the terminally single…let’s move on)

where the fuck was i?

oh, yeah – stay out of my booze! no, that wasn’t it…

so, the other night, after bumping my “migas and ritas” night to earlier in the weekend (see sunday’s sixer as to why) i was heading home when i got behind a truck that was going about five miles below the speed limit. as this annoys the piss out of me, i was gonna pass them, but they couldn’t hold a lane – and i don’t just mean for me, i mean in general – for more than a two count. literally. i saw that as a bad thing.

at this point i’d like to interject something – i’ve driven while drunk. straight up. most of my readers have, too. if you say you haven’t you’re fucking full of shit.

not to toot my own horn, but if you’re the cop that pulled me over hammered as ass with shane (long haired and wasted at the time) in the backseat and alex (the former “notorious h.l.g.:” – also wasted ass balls, i might add) in the front seat and let us go i’ll let you on a secret – when you popped us for going DOUBLE the speed limit only to find out i had no insurance and let us off with a verbal warning: i was wasted, too. true story. but don’t be upset with your detection skills – NOBODY on the planet does a better impression of the “sober sean” than the “drunk sean”. it’s so uncanny i actually, while shit-faced, go up to cops or sheriff’s deputies at convenience stores and chat with them about how drunk people are on the road that night – and never get popped…

i’m not sayin’…i’m just sayin’. let’s move on…

…so saturday night, after some ritas and migas with harold, i’m heading home when i come up on a truck going a bit below the speed limit. that pisses me off. typically, if there WERE no speed limit, i’d max out. seriously. especially on a highway in the middle of bee-eff-muthafuckin’-e. so when i came up on this shit-head going BELOW the speed limit, i was confused.

as in “what the fuck” confused. then i saw the fact this motherfucker couldn’t stay in the same lane for more than a fuckin’ two count.

that’s a bad thing. even to my buzzed ass.

so, i follow this fucktard – for twenty fucking minutes. slowing me down the whole time. when we even start to get CLOSE to L-Town i call my buddy juan, but he ain’t working. so i wait till i get within lockhart “air space” (as in the city limits – sue me, i don’t know the “non-emergency” number for county, and in my eyes this drunk fuck is NOT an emergency at this point) and call the l.p.d. non-emergency number and start describing this idiot to the dispatcher. i’m almost through with my description when i notice a pair of headlights fall in behind me. recognizing them as either a ford crown victoria or a “police interceptor” as their now called i tell the dispatcher, “i think one of your boys has fallen in behind me, ’cause i recognize the ford headlights”. this is when i hear something i’m not expecting…

“no sir. all my guys on duty are driving those new chargers…”

oops.

so, when we get to the cut-off to head to my side of town drunktard keeps on going down the highway – but a FUCKIN’ SHERIFF’S DEPUTY keeps on behind me. five minutes later, top down, music blaring, not speeding, weaving, or guilty of anything else BUT having out of state plates at 2:30am i get pulled over…

“this is funny”, is how i greet him.

how do you figure

“well, i was actually on the phone when you got behind me – have you worked here long enough to recognize the ‘non-emergency’ police department number?”

well, of course…

i hold up my phone and hit “talk”, “see the last number dialed? it’s the l.p.d. non-emergency number? and the one before that – recognize the name?”

yeah, it’s a police officer that NORMALLY works the overnight shift…

(it was 3am)

“exactly – if i didn’t know better, i’d think a concerned citizen was trying to bust a drunk driver, which YOU JUST LET GO!!! but at least you got to pop me for my expired plates – i know how many people, in Texas, each year, are killed by drunk drivers. my grandfather, who died before i was born, was one one of those statistics…how many people each year are killed by EXPIRED FUCKING REGISTRATIONS?!?!?!”

no response.

“it was a full-sized truck – on 183 southbound. see if you can find it before it finds a car full of innocent people…”

um…er…get that registration updated…

yeah, i’ll get right on that. way to prioritize…dick.