i think i lightly touched on this before, but i’m not sure…
…i am sure the new shit, which happened within the last fifteen minutes, i did NOT mention before – since it only happened fifteen minutes ago and all.
i have two pitbulls and a six foot boa constrictor. few and far between are the neighborhoods that embrace such a menagerie…and this certainly ain’t one of ’em. hell, when dude was only ten pounds i had neighbors that would be out for their morning walk and cross the street lest they get “mauled by a dangerous animal”. he weighed as much as most chihuauas at the time. picture how they’d react to him at his current weigh in of seventy-three pounds!
all that being said, when you pull up to your house to find the city animal control truck outside you wonder “what the fuck”. i know all three are contained in locked enclosures in a locked house in my absence, so what the fuck could this be about?
cat-a-cide…if there is such a thing.
(this is the part it turns out i HAVE ).
so now the neighbor i discussed this with had her cat turn up sick…and since i HAD mentioned if glue traps didn’t do it i’d resort to spring traps or POISON or whatever (in the same breath when she shockingly said, “you wouldn’t actually POISON an animal over this, would you?” i reacted with, “actually, no…i’d sooner harm humans than animals…”. i would, however, get proof of which cat it was and sue the shit out of the owner) she filed a complaint against me with the city.
can you believe that shit? after i said i’d rather harm a human than an animal?
home dude from animal control even told me that technically my glue traps were illegal, as they could cause harm to a domestic animal…but the good news is he gave me his card, filled out a report, and it’s now on record that if i DO have cat fur appear on the top of the beamer again the city will come out and set CAT TRAPS to catch the little fucker for me…and then the owner gets to go to the shelter, so it will be on public record who owns the cat that’s doing it, and they’ll get a few hundred in fines from the city in addition to anything i try and levy if another hole gets torn in my roof.
now THAT’S some fucking service!
truth be told, the other night when i got NO sleep and went to the store all bleary-eyed at 6am to get an a/c filter i drove off with all four glue traps on the roof and scattered ’em down the street. since then no traps and, actually, no fur. so maybe all will be well here…unless that cat dies. she’s just white trash enough to pull me on judge judy or some shit. there’s no proof of me having anything to do with it, but the shows just eat that kind of shit up from what i recall from my six month unemployed stint…