i’m not even THIS lazy…

i’m a guy. i’m in that oh-so-crucial 18-34 age group. i’m white. (no, really). and i own my own home AND have a college degree. what you can see here should make me dick-hard-happy. and i think it’s almost SAD that we’ve progressed / regressed this far. and of course, i saw it at fry’s. great. we ALL know how i feel about THIS place, right?

i THOUGHT it was gonna be a good fry’s visit…for the first time ever. i just don’t typically like that place; they make EVERYTHING a lot more complicated than it needs to be. but i’ve been on this quest to get a new headset for my mobile phone and it has NOT been going well. i was tired of the one i had (a bit big and bulky, to be honest) and had tried the other attachment on the one i had that just didn’t cut it, and reminded me of why i hadn’t used it in the first place. then i went and bought a jabra one from verizon, which came with SIX different “ear gels”…one for either ear in one of three sizes. no dice. the small wasn’t even considered (NOTHING about me is small), the medium was a bit too small, and the large a bit too large, so i had to return it. walked out with a plantronics one (my favorite brand of headset for phones….learned about them from kramer) and that one just didn’t work for me, either. so today, i tried one more plantronics one (my original one was that brand as well) and eureka, i think i’m cool with this one. at least it works for me, but i have yet to talk to anyone except work on it, so we’ll see. but at least the quest appears to be over, which i thought would make for a good fry’s visit…the work purchase, however, was a whole different ball of wax.

and then came this.

what the fuck? who on earth needs a refrigerator that can download net porn? or play digital music through the attached speakers? at least the guy at fry’s was wrong about one thing…see, the bitch has a digital camera on the outside of it so you can take digital pics in your kitchen (keep in mind, you DO prepare food in there…wipe down the counters accordingly), but it doesn’t have one on the inside that feeds the monitors, which i see as a good thing (he said it did). i thought you could actually see the contents of your fridge without having to open the door…that is just TOO damn lazy. but you CAN record audio / video memos on it to leave for your loved ones / room mates / the idiot you fucked the night before and forgot to kick out of your house before you left for work…the demo at fry’s now has me, looking you dead in the eye, and pointing at you in an accusing way…the audio is the following…

“if you are seriously considering buying a $6500 refrigerator, you have TOO much damn money. go buy a car for your kid…or put a poor kid through a year of college. you can keep your food cold for MUCH less than this…and don’t you have toys around your house that will do this for you anyway?”

okay, so they’ve probably erased it by now…

the only person i could see this REALLY benefiting is the guy at fry’s. i mean, think about it…he’s stuck in appliances. no computers to slap porn on, no music from the stereo demos, no tv to watch. just washers and dryers and fridges….oh MY!!! that just HAS to suck. but now he’s got his dvd player hooked to the mega-fridge so he could sit and watch rush hour II today. pretty cool. of course, he was bragging to me that the NEXT wave of these bohemiths is gonna have it’s OWN dvd player. great. one guy (sorry, i don’t know where he lives, ladies) commented, “yeah…but now the wife can’t bitch if i make her stay in the kitchen all the time, right?” okay, first off, you are just sad for the statement. secondly, no guy who could afford this would think that way. and third, most who COULD afford it, would have a cook. i mean, $6500 for a damn refrigerator? and this was the MARKDOWN price…hadn’t mentioned that, had i? it WAS $8K. just plain sad…

every now and then, i guess i go too far

the scene was at chacho’s…sa…friday night. kimberly was there. you ALL remember kimberly, right? the “porn-star-in-training”? yeah, i know you’ve ALL been wondering where she might have been (she claims she gets fan mail…why don’t i get fan mail?), and she was upset i “killed off her character”, so i’m just letting you all know she’s still around. and alive. and you KNOW you’ve gone too far when a bisexual, smut-loving, booze-guzzling former vegas girl who has almost SCREAMED in public that “all she wanted was a guy to fuck her in the ass and cum on her face…is that too much to ask?” tells you, “dude…for that you are SO going to hell.”

yeah, like THAT’S news to anyone. i figured i was going a long, long time ago…now i just wanna guarantee myself a good table. maybe a round of drinks from the house. it HAS been a free drink kinda weekend…last night, i got brought a drink on the river walk but never got asked for money. tonight pizza hut brought me a two liter of pepsi without me asking for it or being charged…but never mind that now. back to chacho’s…

i don’t know HOW this got brought into conversation…i don’t. it might have just leaked out of my head…remember how the WOW! chips went away because it actually had the phrase “anal leakage” on the wrapper? well, i have cranial leakage…and usually this site is the kleenex that catches it. well, when tequila gets involved, some occasional unplanned leakage occurs.

i’ve checked, and nobody seems to know how the subject came up…and i was a bit fuzzy at the time, so all i remember is the first line just CAME OUT, and i made up the rest on the spot right there at the corner patio table, which as far as i know i just blurted out after a silence i just HAD to fill:

“…and you know who NEVER got mentioned in the bible, but shoulda? mary’s DAD!!! i mean, in ANY day and age keeping your daughter a virgin not only till, but AFTER marriage is a chore and a half…so how the fuck do you think that whole ‘immaculate’ shit went over with him? can’t you picture it? him pacing around the living room…loading the biblical-era equivalent to a shotgun, screaming at mary, ‘so who IS this god motherfucker? where does he live? what? don’t give me that our LORD shit…i ain’t buying that. wait…i know him…that’s that son of a bitch who lives in that SINGLE WIDE tent on the other side of the main bazaar, isn’t it? well, he’s fixing to be the saddest, limpingist, three sandal-havinginst motherfucker in the whole city!!! that’s right…THREE sandals…two on his feet and one of mine DEEP in his ass!!! i’m gonna stomp an oasis in that piece of shit and then walk it dry!!!’ i KNEW i should have had her marry that doctor…but NO. she had to date that guy that barely made it out of trade school…come on, a jewish CARPENTER? what the FUCK

you gotta figure, at the VERY least, she must have had a brother or cousin or SOMETHING that jumped joseph’s ass, half pissed cause they feel he made the whole story up and had her feed it to everybody to save the beat down he KNEW he’d get from her family…a whole faith, all founded on the creation of a man who didn’t wanna get his ass kicked for deflowering his prude-assed tease of a wife….”

okay, so maybe NOT the forgotten old testament chapter…but an eternal damnation guarantee? well…maybe.

wtf, sean