the sa essay, part ii

so, a few things i learned about the alamo city on day two…

a. every major freeway connects directly to every OTHER major freeway, which is very, VERY cool after two fishbowl sized margaritas.

b. don’t trust kimberly, the little hottie porn star in training, to call you when she says she will, since she’s apparently practicing up the flaky part of her planned profession and therefore will leave you high and dry on promises of keeping your mood up and your attention distracted as you reel around san antonio.

c. people’s attitude to losing their job and store really varies depending on what part of town you’re in, but the universal plan seemed to be bailing as early as possible, so i only went 9 for 10 yesterday, with the over all score needing to hit 20, so this will be short so i can get my puppies some food before i get back on the road…

the saddest thing i saw yesterday? the look in this one mans eye out in the parking lot of one of the albertson’s stores. he wasn’t a former al employee; he had a job, and was doing it. he was a pole. i don’t mean he was polish, although i guess he could have been. he was a sign pole. a new subdivision was having a promotion a few blocks from where i was doing the system pull, and this guy had a giant arrow strapped to his chest pointing the way.

overall, not a bad gig. you’re out in the sun (although that thick strap around your neck probably gives you one hell of a tan line); you’re in marketing (sorta); and everyone will remember your face, but you never have to deal with them directly…kinda like being on TV.

but this man’s eyes looked distant. hollow. like that look you get when you settle down from being single to that one special someone and you go around to tell the “runners-up” that you’ve found your soul mate and they’re NOT it…that look in the eye of someone who has it already set in their eyes that they have been ultimately cast aside and replaced. and on my way out, i could look over his shoulder and see what was in his gaze, making him feel so very replaceable…

home depot. fresh-cut lumber. fence posts.

boy, relax. if they were gonna use a hunk of dead tree to hold up that arrow, it would have been sunk into the ground and staple-gunned by now; kinda like that guy who pissed me off the other day (did i say that out loud? i am SO kidding; but i realized that phrase reeked of a certain mafia “swim with the fishes” vibe)

so now it’s back to sa; if you see a big, obnoxious, long-haired, tattooed up white boy in a big, not so obnoxious, not long-haired, not tattooed up white trail blazer around your neck of the woods in sa, than that would be me…

every time i try and get out, they pull me back in….

the subject line here…referring to the mafia? debt? my former porn career? nope. talking about downtown san antonio, texas. i am now firmly convinced that a good portion of sa’s residency just got off the highway to get something to drink, and then couldn’t figure out how to get back on; so they HAD to stay. yesterday, i made it out alive…but today, will i be so lucky?

fanny packs. acid washed jeans. lynyrd skynyrd reunion tour shirts. dew rags. parachute pants. all 80’s relics? nope. all things seen within the first FIVE minutes of opening a box office at a metal show in sa. that, and bad ink. really bad ink. like, if you have a tattoo, and it looks good, realized how blessed you are compared to a lot of people who basically have a colorful (or not so colorful) scar they call a tattoo. and that reference i made a couple of weeks ago about halter tops in plus sizes NOT needing to be bought? they didn’t listen. oh, how they didn’t listen. of course, they also didn’t pay attention to my, “repeating the price does not make it go down”, or “this is not a flea market, so don’t try to haggle”. see, josh read most of this stuff BEFORE he ever worked in a box office. now he has seen where it came from. also, to the guy who ignored my, “we are not a coat check…i’m not responsible for your stuff” advice, all i can say is, “thanks”. the skull knife is REALLY cool. and boiling for sterilization purposes as we speak.

so, something about a predominantly appearance-challenged crowd (ever heard “ugly” phrased any nicer?), free beer, free bar-b-que, and 11 hours on our feet in the heat made me and josh crave ice cream from sonic. i don’t know why, it just did. it doesn’t HAVE to make sense. cravings are like that. take those of you reading this who occasionally crave ME. not that i’m complaining, just showing that as cool (for me) as some cravings are, they don’t have to make sense. we got directions to the nearest sonic in the downtown area from a slightly drunk, slightly old white guy (and the directions basically worked) and away we went.

interesting thing about downtown sa. they have signs that point TOWARDS things, but not right at them. like a sign that said, “35 North” and had an arrow to the left, led us into a rather ghettofied area, where you could see above you the interstate, but you couldn’t get to it. downtown is like that. there was an arrow that pointed to the right and said, “broadway”, which is where the sonic we were looking for was. but when we turned right, we WEREN’T on broadway. but two blocks down, a block over, and we somehow found it. getting back on i35 was a different story.

we drove around downtown sa for about seven hours trying to find the fucking highway. everywhere we went, we could SEE the damn thing. you can drive UNDER it. you just can’t get ON it. at one point, we ended up in a crowd of traffic (at 12:45 am) on commerce street, which made NO sense since it’s not like a show or game or something had just gotten out, but it was absolute gridlock. a few twists and turns in our kick-ass 2002 trail blazer rental, and we end up by the alamo. and then it hit me. our way out…we could draw our inspiration from a rock and roll rebel. the prince of darkness turned real-com star (as in reality comedy…caught the osbourne’s yet? “sharon, i’m the prince of fucking darkness…i can’t have fucking BUBBLES floating off my stage”, he says as he sees the first set up for his merry mayhem tour stage. TOO funny. but, as per usual, i digress…)

i said, “hey…if we go at this ozzy-style, we’re golden”. josh looked at me puzzled. i completed my thought, saying, “simple dude…we’ll go PISS on the alamo. they kicked ozzy out for it, they’ll have to kick us out, too. and in order to kick us out, they’ll HAVE to show us where the only on ramp in downtown sa is!!!”

well, cooler heads, our native texan loyalties, and the fact i have to go back there sunday and monday prevailed and we decided to make one more last turn, and there it was. a bona fide off ramp. our holy grail. the jones had been squashed. moments ago, we were fiending for a way out of sa like a crack head wanting another hit. now we had our fix, and we didn’t abandon i35 again till we were WELL north of san antonio. hell, we even waited till we were north of bexar county. and now, i’m off to the shower to get ready and go BACK. but i am SO not going downtown…

the unwanted combo platter

okay, so tonight i went and grabbed drinks with my “sister” kathi and a few of her friends, paying way more than ANY of us wanted to for the booze, and inhaling a bit more second hand than i wanted (all four of the women smoked, and at some points did so simultaneously). all good fun, all good company, and off they went for their ladies night out and i headed to the car. but got stopped on the way.
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wanted: sf trying to lose weight

we need more women in my office building. well, to be more honest, more thin (or trying to become thin or just addicted to nutrasweet) women. or more homosexuals. or whoever the hell it is that drinks diet pepsi, ’cause that’s all the machine has left downstairs. pepsi. coke. mountain dew. red mountain dew. bottled water. even that nasty-ass lipton brisk tea. ALL sold out, and they have been all week. all we have is diet pepsi. i just wish somebody would come and drink that nutrasweeted-up crap so we could say we drained the machine. it’s kinda like the soda equivalent of floating the keg, ya know? but to no avail. nobody wants that disgusting nutrasweet taste haunting the back of their throat, and who could blame them? that’s one lingering taste that just doesn’t leave you. and i have one smell in this world that’s the same way for me…
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the big three

04/11/2002: “”

so, after finding out my weekend was gonna suck ass with me running all over SA (and not for the reason i prefer to be in SA), i head out, work the hockey playoff game, and junior and i decide to go eat. he was craving a chocolate milk shake, and was eager to redeem himself from earlier (went somewhere, ordered, and when it was handed to him in his car he realized he’d left his wallet at home; but hockey games pay in cash…don’t tell the irs), so i took him to the only sonic i knew with a dining room (he wanted to sit somewhere and eat). the dining room ended up being closed, but there was a kfc next door, so i suggested that. junior said, “no way dude…i don’t like fried chicken.”

WHAT?!?!?

junior was born in oklafuckinhoma, but we’ve forgiven him since he WAS raised in texas. or so he claims. but to not like fried chicken? that makes me suspicious. hell, i know a health-conscious transplanted californian who thought it was down-right bad ass that i could get fried chicken delivered to my door, and junior won’t touch the stuff when it’s RIGHT there? that’s denying one of the big three.

“the big three” has been used to describe everything from automakers to tv studios, i admit, but in this case it fits with texas diet. and this is NOT college hoops, so you can’t take two outta three and still win the trophy. still claim to be the “genuine article”. it’s all or nothing, baby. learn, live, and love these three types of food or you WILL be known as a foreigner on texas soil and that is never a good thing. the three types? hell, half of you already know (more than half, i’m hoping)

1. bar-b-que
2. tex-mex
3. fried chicken

that’s it. simple food for us simple folk. there’s no, “how would you like that cooked” question when it comes to the number two dinner, ’cause we all know that the entree is enchiladas and they only come cooked one way. same question applies to brisket, ribs, pork loin, etc…it’s smoke it with mesquite, shove it in front of us, and stand back. and fried chicken? that’s the one that gets the worst rep, and that is just so wrong.

remember when we had kentucky fried chickens all over this country? now they’re called KFC. if the old man were still alive today you KNOW he’d take back at least eight of the eleven herbs and spices just for the shame of it. and church’s fried chicken? now it’s just church’s chicken. even with aunt esther from sanford and son doing their spots, that’s just wrong. and then central-texas based golden fried chicken became golden chick, which to me sounds like the statue they give out at the porno oscars. oh, how the mighty have fallen.

but the chicken that gets delivered to my house? dobb’s FRIED chicken. no shame in the game there. the way it was meant to be to round out the big three. try asking them at kfc if they have any FRIED chicken. they’ll say, “original recipe or extra crispy?” ask which one is FRIED the most. they’re not allowed to use that word. it’s the “fuck” of the fast food industry. the dirty word.

but also, learn from my mistake at jack in the box, where junior and i ended up eating (where they now have fish and chips, but the jack version of fish is just frightening to mentally conceive, so i avoided it) one time, in the drive through (and NOT at band camp) i asked, “your chicken sandwich is made out of chicken, right?” to which they replied, “of course”. “and you’re steak and cheese sandwich is made out of steak?” “well, yeah…” came the reply. “okay, so what kind of monster do you use in your monster tacos?” silence. i am SO scared to know if that was mayonnaise or not on my buddy’s burger that night. i ended up not ordering a thing for fear of what would happen…

add bacon for only $.39!!!

okay, so the gauntlet has been thrown down. i have been challenged, via email, several times today to show my six degrees of bacon from me to him. fine…here goes. in only FOUR steps, instead of six (like y’all didn’t already know i was a bad ass or something)

so, first off, i’ve only been in ONE major motion picture my whole life (so far…but we all know that’ll probably change at some point….and home movies don’t count, right?) it was when i was in high school…remember that career ender of anthony michael hall’s called “johnny be good”? well, in the scene where he walks out of the airport (it was supposed to be in cali or arizona or something, but was filmed in SA) and the walk way to a mercedes convertable is lined by drill team girls (the strutters from my alma mater, swt) and a marching band is around him…but the swt band was out of town, so they used the lockhart high school marching band. if you have freeze-frame, you can make me out. fuck y’all, it’s closer than most of you have gotten…so here goes….

i was in johnny be good with anthony michael hall…(degree one)
anthony michael hall was in the breakfast club with emilio estevez…(degree two)
emilio estevez was in young guns with keefer sutherland (which killed BOTH their careers)…degree three
keefer sutherland was in flat liners with KEVIN BACON…(degree four)

so there we go, in two less steps than expected. so stop the damn emails….

willie fuckin’ nelson

so, willie WAS scheduled to play back-to-back nights at the backyard this weekend, but i just found out tonight’s show has been postponed till tomorrow. just as well, except now i’ll probably have to work it, just like i did for last night’s show. shane and i were gonna go tonight, but after being there all last night i’d already called and bailed on him. for one reason…

WATCHING willie doesn’t do much for me.

let’s face it, willie’s not young. he doesn’t play his guitar behind his head, and there ain’t a lot of pyro to a willie show. once you establish in your head that on the center of that stage is willie fuckin’ nelson, the man who wrote the songs you grew up with (if you grew up in the south or in texas…and yes there IS a difference) there’s not a lot to see. you just kinda listen, occasionally glance at the stage, sing along with whiskey river, and get fucked up. it’s tradition. understand that a willie show across the border (i.e. ANYWHERE but texas) isn’t really a willie show. he just does that for money, and to give you the ILLUSION you’ve seen a willie show. but until you see it in his native land, it just doesn’t count. for one reason alone; the people.

if you go to a willie show in texas (which traditionally happens in the spring…he ALWAYS opens the season at the backyard in bee caves, tx, where last night and tomorrow night’s shows are happening) you go almost as much for the people as you do for willie. children. bikers. frat boys and sorority girls. trailer trash (which brings to mind today question of the day, but we’ll get to that later) lawyers. doctors. rednecks. real estate developers. hippies. burn outs. senior citizens. all hanging out together. all singing along to “pancho and lefty” (josh’s favorite – which played as we walked through to turn in the west box stuff and close out..you see josh in the comments section here from time to time). like i said, here a willie show isn’t just a show…it’s a rite of passage. when was the last time he played in YOUR neck of the woods? this is the FOURTH willie show since valentine’s day around austin (with numero cinco happening tomorrow), and all have had more than 2,000 people at them…close to 1,500 of them WEREN’T on willie’s guest list (he’s got a lot of friends around here). this is why in the entry way to my house, i don’t have the virgin mary watching over all who enter; i have the virgin willie.

oh yeah…question of the day; which is more pathetic?

a. the fact that they actually made a movie called, “poor white trash”?
b. the fact that i rented it?
c. the fact that the dvd skips past the whole first scene, so i’m about to run to blockbuster and make them give me the other copy they have so i can see this flick INSTEAD of just getting a different movie and seeing the error in my ways for renting it in the first place?

to vote, click on the “Comments” link below this line…i’m off to blockbuster…

2022 note – i now own that movie

“get you some, boy

so, after several long days in a row at the salt mines, i figured a friday night at home was in order, especially since i DO have to work saturday and all. hit heb on the way, and noticed a lot of single guys there; guys that don’t HAVE to be single. i have some advice, boys. stick with me and you can upgrade from that lowly bus station skank you’re used to getting. you can get better. like a stripper from that place over near the airport where the cops are always having to go. or that woman that’s in her mid to late thirties but still dresses kinda like kelly bundy from married with children..the one that’s ALWAYS alone and on the prowl at the bar in a pool hall. oh yes, your lonely nights can be over with a six pack of advice (plus four…you know i always make it an even ten here). ladies, don’t bother reading on…the dating and mating secrets are not meant for your eyes…
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