holly daze (not just a girl who used to blow me for pot in college)

and, here we are. the king of all down times of the year, in SO many ways…the holidays. xmas. chanukah. quanza. a time where everyone is all about being happy and being together and celebrating the end of another year of making it through the hard times and celebrating the good times and just surviving the whole time. a time to rejoice, bask in the opulence of your surroundings, cuddle up with that special someone, and think of what might be…
Continue reading holly daze (not just a girl who used to blow me for pot in college)

two men and a chainsaw

last night, shortly after posting the rather hostile (and pleasantly so) “bitter…” entry, i was just about to fade away (sometimes it’s NOT better to burn out) when i heard a rumbling thud…thinking it was calum and buffie wrestling (calum slamming into the door frame of the utility room can make the same noise) i yelled out, “BOY!!! chill…”, and passed out. this morning i found out i owed calum an apology…a big hug and two biscuits later and i THINK all is forgiven…

last year i got a home equity loan…and the insurance people who came to look at the house had only one request…”lose the branch”. see, i had a tree that had partially dropped a fifteen foot limb on the yard, and i had cut it down (with a hand saw, i might add) and then laid it across my driveway (hehehe…i said “laid”) and waited to borrow a friend’s chainsaw that never arrived, and it just kinda ended up sitting there. well, the tree that did that to me last year has finally decided it needed to go; and not in the direction i thought it would.

on saturday (don’t you just LOVE how my timeline jumps around) i heard sawing and found out my neighbor was getting her trees, and to a degree, some of MY trees trimmed. when i walked out to talk to the guys, and was walking back in, i noticed the half of the fork that had lost that branch a year ago looked totally dead, and hung over a small corner of the house. “shit,” i thought to myself, “that’s gonna go anytime now…i need to just cut that half off, ’cause the MUCH larger (twenty to thirty feet from the main trunk and fifteen inches around) half still looks okay.

now i know why i’m NOT an arborist…

the noise i heard last night was the aforementioned MUCH larger half splitting the trunk right down the middle as it came to a some what airborne resting place…THE ROOF OF MY HOUSE!!! there doesn’t appear to be any damage, but time will tell. a quick call or two found that cost on removal is around $500+; but the more i look at it, the more i’m pretty sure i can do this…i just need three things…a few hours, a friend about my strength level, and a chainsaw…

hello, jim…

the salutation on the phone call once i found out he had the free time…

“dude, just come over…bring the chainsaw…and let’s work out our tensions of the last few years destroying a really big, dead-ass tree. then i’ll buy you lunch…”

fuck dionne warwick…THAT’S what friends are for…power-fueled destruction, fun, and brisket at the end. and then i go to the office, work a bit, get my tool tickets (providing they did make it in today’s mail), and split to sa…do i know how to party or what?

nature – 0, sean & jim – 1

…so, jim arrived around 10:30. chainsaw in hand. i was chilling with copper in the den when i heard the rumble of a diesel engine in the driveway…which was odd, ’cause jim’s truck ISN’T a diesel. it was a tow truck. here to haul that blue piece of shit out of my driveway (those of you who know the story can appreciate this). and here i thought the day couldn’t get any better…

“as we discussed, the city had a hearing and this was declared a ‘j.v.’ (as in junk vehicle…not second string high school athletics); so this man’s gonna haul it away,” said the guy from the city, motioning towards the man in the tow truck.

“how much is it gonna cost me?”, i inquired. “nothing,” he responded…”it’s your tax dollars at work”. “is it wrong to hug another man in public?”, i asked. “well, if you don’t, i’ll get this car out of the way faster,” he fired back.

deal.

then it was chainsaw time…we chewed through the teeth on one chain completely (i bought a new one, though) and it took another of my vacation days since we started at 10:30, but didn’t finish ’till 3:30 in the afternoon. no blood, no tears, but plenty of sweat…partially from the nervousness when we dropped a big limb (about 18 feet and 450 lbs) that i had secured a rope to and i had to put all my weight behind it so it didn’t crush in the corner of my roof (but if they hadn’t moved that car this morning, that would have crushed it. DAMN…maybe i should have told them to come back tomorrow on that…) and partially from when we had to flip over the thick part of the fork that HAD been leaning up against the roof, which was about twelve feet long and twelve inches thick and was still alive and wet enough to weigh about five to six hundred pounds…tilting that up on end and over was just fun.

when it was all said and done, we reduced about a forty foot high tree with significant house-threatening (and fence-threatening) spreadage to a two foot stump. perfect for the leprechaun to perch on as he tells me what to do…

i’m not even THIS lazy…

i’m a guy. i’m in that oh-so-crucial 18-34 age group. i’m white. (no, really). and i own my own home AND have a college degree. what you can see here should make me dick-hard-happy. and i think it’s almost SAD that we’ve progressed / regressed this far. and of course, i saw it at fry’s. great. we ALL know how i feel about THIS place, right?

i THOUGHT it was gonna be a good fry’s visit…for the first time ever. i just don’t typically like that place; they make EVERYTHING a lot more complicated than it needs to be. but i’ve been on this quest to get a new headset for my mobile phone and it has NOT been going well. i was tired of the one i had (a bit big and bulky, to be honest) and had tried the other attachment on the one i had that just didn’t cut it, and reminded me of why i hadn’t used it in the first place. then i went and bought a jabra one from verizon, which came with SIX different “ear gels”…one for either ear in one of three sizes. no dice. the small wasn’t even considered (NOTHING about me is small), the medium was a bit too small, and the large a bit too large, so i had to return it. walked out with a plantronics one (my favorite brand of headset for phones….learned about them from kramer) and that one just didn’t work for me, either. so today, i tried one more plantronics one (my original one was that brand as well) and eureka, i think i’m cool with this one. at least it works for me, but i have yet to talk to anyone except work on it, so we’ll see. but at least the quest appears to be over, which i thought would make for a good fry’s visit…the work purchase, however, was a whole different ball of wax.

and then came this.

what the fuck? who on earth needs a refrigerator that can download net porn? or play digital music through the attached speakers? at least the guy at fry’s was wrong about one thing…see, the bitch has a digital camera on the outside of it so you can take digital pics in your kitchen (keep in mind, you DO prepare food in there…wipe down the counters accordingly), but it doesn’t have one on the inside that feeds the monitors, which i see as a good thing (he said it did). i thought you could actually see the contents of your fridge without having to open the door…that is just TOO damn lazy. but you CAN record audio / video memos on it to leave for your loved ones / room mates / the idiot you fucked the night before and forgot to kick out of your house before you left for work…the demo at fry’s now has me, looking you dead in the eye, and pointing at you in an accusing way…the audio is the following…

“if you are seriously considering buying a $6500 refrigerator, you have TOO much damn money. go buy a car for your kid…or put a poor kid through a year of college. you can keep your food cold for MUCH less than this…and don’t you have toys around your house that will do this for you anyway?”

okay, so they’ve probably erased it by now…

the only person i could see this REALLY benefiting is the guy at fry’s. i mean, think about it…he’s stuck in appliances. no computers to slap porn on, no music from the stereo demos, no tv to watch. just washers and dryers and fridges….oh MY!!! that just HAS to suck. but now he’s got his dvd player hooked to the mega-fridge so he could sit and watch rush hour II today. pretty cool. of course, he was bragging to me that the NEXT wave of these bohemiths is gonna have it’s OWN dvd player. great. one guy (sorry, i don’t know where he lives, ladies) commented, “yeah…but now the wife can’t bitch if i make her stay in the kitchen all the time, right?” okay, first off, you are just sad for the statement. secondly, no guy who could afford this would think that way. and third, most who COULD afford it, would have a cook. i mean, $6500 for a damn refrigerator? and this was the MARKDOWN price…hadn’t mentioned that, had i? it WAS $8K. just plain sad…

every now and then, i guess i go too far

the scene was at chacho’s…sa…friday night. kimberly was there. you ALL remember kimberly, right? the “porn-star-in-training”? yeah, i know you’ve ALL been wondering where she might have been (she claims she gets fan mail…why don’t i get fan mail?), and she was upset i “killed off her character”, so i’m just letting you all know she’s still around. and alive. and you KNOW you’ve gone too far when a bisexual, smut-loving, booze-guzzling former vegas girl who has almost SCREAMED in public that “all she wanted was a guy to fuck her in the ass and cum on her face…is that too much to ask?” tells you, “dude…for that you are SO going to hell.”

yeah, like THAT’S news to anyone. i figured i was going a long, long time ago…now i just wanna guarantee myself a good table. maybe a round of drinks from the house. it HAS been a free drink kinda weekend…last night, i got brought a drink on the river walk but never got asked for money. tonight pizza hut brought me a two liter of pepsi without me asking for it or being charged…but never mind that now. back to chacho’s…

i don’t know HOW this got brought into conversation…i don’t. it might have just leaked out of my head…remember how the WOW! chips went away because it actually had the phrase “anal leakage” on the wrapper? well, i have cranial leakage…and usually this site is the kleenex that catches it. well, when tequila gets involved, some occasional unplanned leakage occurs.

i’ve checked, and nobody seems to know how the subject came up…and i was a bit fuzzy at the time, so all i remember is the first line just CAME OUT, and i made up the rest on the spot right there at the corner patio table, which as far as i know i just blurted out after a silence i just HAD to fill:

“…and you know who NEVER got mentioned in the bible, but shoulda? mary’s DAD!!! i mean, in ANY day and age keeping your daughter a virgin not only till, but AFTER marriage is a chore and a half…so how the fuck do you think that whole ‘immaculate’ shit went over with him? can’t you picture it? him pacing around the living room…loading the biblical-era equivalent to a shotgun, screaming at mary, ‘so who IS this god motherfucker? where does he live? what? don’t give me that our LORD shit…i ain’t buying that. wait…i know him…that’s that son of a bitch who lives in that SINGLE WIDE tent on the other side of the main bazaar, isn’t it? well, he’s fixing to be the saddest, limpingist, three sandal-havinginst motherfucker in the whole city!!! that’s right…THREE sandals…two on his feet and one of mine DEEP in his ass!!! i’m gonna stomp an oasis in that piece of shit and then walk it dry!!!’ i KNEW i should have had her marry that doctor…but NO. she had to date that guy that barely made it out of trade school…come on, a jewish CARPENTER? what the FUCK

you gotta figure, at the VERY least, she must have had a brother or cousin or SOMETHING that jumped joseph’s ass, half pissed cause they feel he made the whole story up and had her feed it to everybody to save the beat down he KNEW he’d get from her family…a whole faith, all founded on the creation of a man who didn’t wanna get his ass kicked for deflowering his prude-assed tease of a wife….”

okay, so maybe NOT the forgotten old testament chapter…but an eternal damnation guarantee? well…maybe.

wtf, sean