junior’s birthday was on sunday, which WAS supposed to be when this posted…the late sunday / early monday edition. but as many of you know, there were technical difficulties beyond my control (or the control on anybody i could bitch slap for technical difficulties) so it didn’t get posted. monday ended up being a long corpus / sa excursion, so now it’s 1:30 in the morning on TUESDAY, and i just got home. more on all that later…right now, we gotta make up for the lost sunday thing…so just PRETEND we’re reading this on monday morning, okay?

so, today (remember the land of make believe we’re in, folks) is junior’s birthday, and yesterday was ozzfest, where we WERE supposed to hang out. but we didn’t. and i KNEW we wouldn’t. why? because it’s tradition…we NEVER hang out for our birthdays…we’ve barely been friends a year, and i can already spot the trend. look at the history…

it’s just after labor day, 2k1…the star offices are still shoe horned into downtown austin, and i wander into subway. i scam my traditional free liter of pepsi refill, and ask junior what’s up. he says, “nothing much”, and asks me what i’m doing that weekend. i tell him probably hitting sa to go to a show. he fires back, “really? i was HOPING you would say that…static x and mudvayne, right?”. “yep”, i reply, “you going?” “i WANT to”, he said, “but have no money, which sucks ’cause saturday’s my birthday…” “well then, we MUST make this happen….you’re going with me!!!”, i reply, and plans were set.

they were simple. TOO simple. sound familiar?

at that time, he didn’t have a car worth a shit, and he didn’t have a mobile. we set up to meet at the target in san marcos. i told him (half jokingly) that i would only wait fifteen minutes for him, and then i would bail. he took me at my word. he HAS since learned not to do that at certain times, but in his defense, our friendship was pretty new then.

but here was the problem…i couldn’t remember if we were supposed to meet at 5:30 or 6:30. and he didn’t work that day, so i had no way to reach him and see. so, i showed up at target at 5:30…and waited till 6:00. when he didn’t show, i figured i had told him 6:30 so i went into target to do some shopping. i came back out at 6:35 (long lines) and waited till 7:00. then i called information, got the number to subway, and then got ahold of his home number. called, but no answer. called BACK to subway to verify, and they said to try his girlfriend’s and gave me another number. no answer. so i went to the show, had a great time, and ended up hanging with some of the guys from both bands to have stories to rub in junior’s face from his birthday since standing me up IS cardinal sin numero uno in my world.

but here’s what went down in juniorland WHILE i was in target:

he showed up at 6:15 and waited ’till 6:30. he then went to a payphone and tried calling my house which was written down on the back of my business card. what he DIDN’T notice was that below the address, phone, fax, and email line on my card was a line PRINTED ON THE CARD AS WELL that said “mobile” and had my mobile number (which, like almost all star phones, contains the numbers 666). he got no answer (duh – i was in target) and since it had been fifteen minutes, he left. two minutes later i walked out.

flash forward to june of 2k2, and my birthday. we are ALL wanting to hang out, and jethro tull is playing that night….and i have NO intention of spending my birthday listening to the extended flute solo of the live version of aqualung…so, i decline working the show. so they schedule the only two star employees i figured would join the dinner and such at guerro’s…josh and junior.

then, came ozzfest. i found out later that junior and his room mate (dion) HAD gotten there at 9:00 am as planned…but decided to take only dion’s phone in, so junior forwarded his calls to dion’s phone. and then, the rains came…and like many of the phones in the world, dion’s ISN’T waterproof. so that’s why i couldn’t reach him. and have you ever tried yelling the name “JUNIOR!!!” at a rock show in SA? you get about two hundred hispanic guys turning around at you, but no lanky white boy. i figured it would be easy to find him when the crowd thinned out for ozzy (still think that kinda sucked, but it DID allow me to get up close), but since they had been there so long, junior was part of the thinning, and therefore was unfindable because he was….well….gone.

so now, i guess we can shoot for next june and my next birthday…or we can just throw in the towel on the whole birthday thing and say fuck it. maybe arbor day needs to be our specified hang out and party day of the year. does anybody know when the hell arbor day even IS?

Replies: 1 Comment

I’m almost positive its sometime in May….

former Ann Arbor resident….. said @ 09/10/2002 11:34 AM GMT

ozzy got me wet. true story. see, when on stage mr. osbourne tends to get overheated. and when he does so, he runs to the side of the stage, and dunks his head in a five gallon bucket of water. he then runs over to the front of the stage, still dripping, and slings the bucket over the crowd, dowsing concert goers with the water he just dunked his own head in. would this mean i’ve been ozztized instead of baptized? but this was WAY late in the day, we’ve got a bit to cover first.

it was pouring when i got there, but stopped when i stepped out of my car. TOO cool. actually, to be a bit more accurate, NOT too cool. pretty fucking hot, actually…with the heat (in fine texas tradition) being only outweighed by the humidity. i was parked…and almost within TWO MILES of the door. see, for all the modern luxuries the verizon wireless amphitheater has it lacks one basic one…a parking area that’s more than 50% pavement. that means when it pours, more than half their parking becomes swamp land. not wanting to see cars bogged and sinking, they do a park-and-ride shuttle from near by retama park raceway. surprisingly, there was no big line of cars to get into the lot (or at least, it WAS moving pretty quick). likewise, there was no line at all to get on the shuttle bus (i have to say, for the amount of people they had to deal with, the ride there went quick…but the ride back? well…) then i got to the box office to get my ticket, and there was no line either. “they’re spoiling me”, i thought to myself. then i heard it. what i was really, deathly afraid of. the line i’m supposed to be SAYING, not HEARING.

“sir, i’m not finding any tickets here for you….how did you arrange these?”

first instinct was to pull out a business card…but flashing one of my business cards to a storm trooper of the evil empire (i.e. ticketmaster) would be like showing your sugar’s uptown cabaret platinum v.i.p. card to your minister…it’s gonna do MANY things, but winning you favors AIN’T one of them. so, i hopped the phone (which i almost left in the car but due to the park-and-ride thing i decided that would be WAY stupid to do for just such an emergency). a few calls (and more than a few minutes) later i had my ticket, had signed my ($105) receipt, and was in the door. JUST in time for the second stage to be done and a few thousand sweaty, muddy folks to head my way. in the middle was a former star employee and her room mate, and thus started the first chunk of my non-alone time.

we stood in the concourse while mud people walked around us until they decided they wanted food. i wasn’t hungry, but wandered with them, and we got in line at the domino’s pizza counter. this was the first line of the day, and it took (no bullshit, and i only know ’cause i called chuck when i first got in line so i had the timestamp on the phone as a reference) FIFTY-FIVE minutes to get food. total cost for one small (as in small enough to barely hold four pieces of pepperoni) pizza and a thirty-two ounce (mostly ice, of course) coke? $9.00. and i missed adema. darn.

next up was tommy lee (in for texas-based drowning pool, who’s singer died last week of heart failure – no word on any drug involvement in said ailment…but they still sold more shirts than tommy, and they didn’t even play). i went to see tommy for two reasons:

a. when i met him at la zona recently he was VERY nice, personal, and cool…but i couldn’t stay for his show.

b. he opened with shout at the devil, including the full album intro track “in the beginning”. you HAVE to respect that.

but i was denied entry to the place. why? because i didn’t have a wristband. the $100 ticket stub didn’t mean SHIT without a wristband to get you on the floor. and they didn’t stop me till i was right by the floor, then told me to walk all the way back up to the venue entrance to get one, only to find out they were out and had to wait in ANOTHER line (fifteen minutes) of REALLY pissed off, mostly intoxicated mexican guys. this was NOT gonna get pretty. the cool thing was, i was the tallest (scary) and most intimidating (build-wise) one of the bunch. which meant that when one, slightly older, quite frightened security guy found he had a single wristband in his pocket, he motioned me over rather quietly and slipped it in my hand. MY wait was only fifteen minutes. everyone elses? more like about thirty. sometimes it helps to look harmful, i suppose.

next up was the “good vs. evil” portion of the day, i.e. p.o.d…the christian-based hard rock act. while they certainly would have fit in a bit more at the v.w.a. in about three weeks when creed comes to town (i wouldn’t look for me to even be in san antonio on THAT day…i’m not female, they don’t do much for me) they were part of the tour, and provided some background noise while most of us went to pick up merch. i went to the merch tent, WAITED IN LINE (twenty minutes) only to find out that they (supposedly as everyone else) had sold out of the ONE ozzfest shirt that came in xxl. they did, however, have what i think is THE best concert merch deal i’ve ever seen since the $10 t-shirts at the rage against the machine show at sunken gardens… a big, black, foam hand giving you the one-finger salute with “ozzy” written across the palm for only $5. needless to say these sold out FAST. i even talked to one guy who had bought FIVE. christmas IS only a few months away, you know (he seriously bought them as christmas gifts).

with only moments left in the p.o.d. set, i bolted to the merch booth on the OTHER side of the stage area to try my shirt luck. i was in line there for only about ten minutes, when some guy said, “oh man…they just sold the last foam finger”. when i told him they had them on the other side and he turned to thank me, i told him i was looking for the RAREST of the rare…the “satan stage diving” shirt HE was wearing, but in xxl. his girlfriend’s eyes LIT up. it seems that she worked one of the snack booths earlier, and since this was the second-to-the-last ozzfest of the year (the last being in dallas tonight) they were gonna run out of EVERYTHING. so, she sent a friend to get her “one large system of a down shirt and two xl ozzfest shirts”. well, she went and got the system shirt and a SINGLE ozzfest shirt in size 2xl (i.e. xxl). and they WOULDN’T buy it back. so she sold it to me (unworn, and neatly folded, i might add) for only $20 (versus the $32 they were charging) SCORE!!! and just in time for p.o.d. to shut the fuck up.

then on came rob zombie. (thus began the “sean goes deaf” part of the day). this was my fourth time to see him (second in sa) and he never seems to disappoint. he also never seems completely happy with his crowd response, but maybe that’s just me. last time i saw him in sa was at freeman with koRn, and i got to hang with him a bit after the show. SUPER nice guy, and not nearly as “dark” in person as you’d expect. after making my ears bleed for forty-five minutes he was off, and i went to hit the head. line number whatever of the day, for about fifteen minutes. but enough to kill off most of the twenty-five minute down time between bands and i was able to get back on the floor AND find my old college radio buddy (and they guy i used to go see a LOT of shows with in college) randy to hang with during system of a down.

what can i say? SOAD is just incredible live. no two words about it. and this was randy’s first time to see them (and see me smoke with him, if you know what i’m saying and i think you do…in college it was cigars, NOTHING more…not even booze. you should’ve seen the look on his face when i smacked his arm and gave him the ‘are you gonna pass that shit or WHAT?’ nod. he almost looked proud). well, randy “blew his load” on them, and decided that was it for him, as did apparently MOST of the floor, because by the time the opening film montage of ozz started, it was pretty empty down there compared to the system crowd…and never recovered. but that was okay, ’cause it allowed me to get close enough to read the “o-z-z-y” on his knuckles and get “ozztized”. then soaked by rig-mounted water cannons. then by ozzy’s squirt gun. many tunes (we all sung with), some drum work from his son jack, and a fatherly “don’t drive if you’ve been drinking” speech later, and we were off to wait in the MAJOR (forty-five minute) line to get BACK on the bus to go BACK to our cars to wait in the car line (ten minutes before a security guard lifted a cone for me and let me shoot out a side exit that wasn’t supposed to be used) and i was on my way home….wet, sore, and deaf. kinda like a lot of my dates end up, but never mind that now.

and no, i never did find junior. but THAT didn’t surprise me.

it’s just a hair before noon on saturday, september 7th, in the great state (nation, according to some) of texas. today is two things: junior’s birthday celebration (actual day to follow next week…or is it tomorrow? i’m a guy…we don’t remember these things) and ozzfest 2002, which is where i’m SUPPOSED to be meeting junior in a few hours.
[continue reading…]

a recent comment thread got me to thinking about bob barker’s favorite phrase (well, one of them). “have your pets spayed or neutered”. it’s closed every price is right episode since his wife died. his own personal tribute to her love of animals. but never mind that mushy shit now…

why is it we use the term “fixed”? does having all your nether innards in order mean you’re broke? no. but is does mean you have the POTENTIAL to be very, very, VERY broke. just ask anyone who HAS kids if they’re broke. they’ll tell you. they know what broke IS. if you don’t have any, you have NO idea…or so they tell me.

see, all my kids have a common thread of their own…they either are covered in fur and walk on all fours, or they EAT things that are covered in fur and walk on all fours. now, before any of you think i got a little TOO drunk one time and cruised a sideshow looking for a girlfriend or whatever, calm down. i’m talking about my pets…and as for the sideshow “incident”, i was in college, i was young, and i ONLY used her as a sexual plaything. and even then ALWAYS wore protection. two layers, actually. but let’s move on…

i guess most guys hate the term “fixed” because of what “fix” means in our world. in texas, of course, it is one SEVERELY overly used word. EVERYTHING has to be fixed down here…or at least we’re always in a fixing mood…

“i’m FIXING to get upset…”
“you kids are FIXING to get on my nerves…”
“this is FIXING to get ugly…”

but for most of us guys, stuff that’s gonna be fixed we feel we can do ourselves. if we can’t handle it solo, we just get a case of beer, a couple of friends with more tools than us, and a saturday afternoon when there’s NOT a game on…and viola, all fixed. but do you think we’re gonna let one of our buddy’s, pliers in one hand, lone star long neck in the other, get near mr. happy?

FUCK NO!!!

how happy do you think that would MAKE mr. happy? trust me, if that ever even came CLOSE to reality, then someone would be FIXING to die. and this from the guy who’s actually USED channel locks on that area of my anatomy. but i have an excuse…i was adjusting my jewelry, damn it. changing it, to be more accurate.

and yes, i did mention creatures that only EAT the four-legged furries. the ones that have gotten no screen time and don’t have a warm drop of blood in their bodies unless they ingest it. just to give them theirs, the other three (in addition to calum, buffi, and the ever-screen present copper) are morticia (tish for short, and that’s all that’s short about her…she’s a nine foot columbian red tail boa, who’s been with me for ten years, or four years longer than the oldest dog), bob (the most evil lizard in the world, a savannah monitor who is just an ASSHOLE. i even tried to stunt his growth just so he wouldn’t be an un-handleable asshole. no dice. still two feet and some change from nose to tail. and he doesn’t wanna be ANYONE’S friend.) and then the baby of the bunch (who’s growing REALLY slow), benita, a still young brazilian rainbow boa.

there…at least none of my kids can have lack of their fifteen minutes issues, right?

Replies: 11 Comments

well, when you help me name one of the tribe, sin, you do kinda have the right to call me on a typo…and like to spread my randomness virus, too, josh….i call mine da’ whore.

sean M said @ 09/07/2002 05:55 PM GMT

i had no point. i just like to spread my randomness to everyone. sort of like a virus.

josh said @ 09/07/2002 07:56 AM GMT

if my name isn’t really spelled ‘sin D’ then ‘benita’ can be with an ‘e’ or an ‘o’. Its up to you… you are the dad….

the redhead said @ 09/07/2002 07:26 AM GMT

well, i’m glad SOMEONE realizes that texas is a nation in and of itself and not part of the former confederacy…and josh, so have i…intimately on one occasion…what’s your point? it pain’s me to say it, but ME helped..well…um…me name her, so ME would know…and is right. OUCH!!! did anyone else feel that?

sean (again) said @ 09/07/2002 04:12 AM GMT

FIXING? you use that word very proper; here in the South (texas being a nation separate from the southern states), it is pronounced: Fixin’….we just don’t bother to add that extra “g”.

NC connection said @ 09/07/2002 02:34 AM GMT

i knew a girl named benita.

josh said @ 09/06/2002 11:54 PM GMT

i paraphrase samuel l. jackson in pulp fiction:

ENGLISH, motherfuckers…DO YOU SPEAK IT?!?!?

sean (in pulp fiction mode) said @ 09/06/2002 09:03 PM GMT

Zut alors, mais il y a un outre probleme pas’que il n’y a pas the 15 minutes pour moi. c’est triste.

astrofishy said @ 09/06/2002 08:03 PM GMT

Escuche, yo lo corregiré cuando yo tengo la pinche gana. Si tu tienes un problema, mi vale madre.

ME (again) said @ 09/06/2002 07:46 PM GMT

IT’s Bonita BTW

ME said @ 09/06/2002 05:37 PM GMT

not ALL of your kids eat just 4-legged furry animals…. 😉

the redhead said @ 09/06/2002 12:46 PM GMT

do you ever get the feeling that your pets are reincarnated humans? boy, i do. at least sometimes. i don’t know if it’s canine personification brought on my slight depression and loneliness or what, but damn it sometimes it seems like they know a little bit TOO much to just be dogs…

take copper’s rampage of the day, and it was a fierce one. you’d figure with me plopping down $85 to have her womanhood taken away from her (in sin D’s terms) i wouldn’t have to go through that bad week of the month, right? well, not such the case.

back in the WAY early 90’s depeche mode put out not one, not two, but THREE box sets at once. all singles, complete with all the b-sides and remixes…six discs per box. covered all eighteen singles from 1981 to 1988. but back in the early 90’s, i didn’t have a CD player…and i had ALL the singles on vinyl (as i still do), so i didn’t bother. a decision i later regretted. thank god for eBay.

i got a wild hair a couple of months ago and went looking, and happened to find box two. picked it up for about $15 including shipping. when they originally came out, they retailed for $35 a piece, and they’ve been out of print for the better part of six years, so i figure if i can pay retail or less, i win…and not just in the eBay sense of the word.

a week later i hit the mother load…all THREE boxes for only $52, INCLUDING shipping. all the other auctions i’d found with #1 or #3 in them were going for around $20 to $30 a piece, so i figured this was a steal. plus, when the #2 i got from the first auction finally arrived, it’s condition was not all i had hoped for. the box itself looked great, but a couple of the discs had obviously been loved in a rough way…particularly master and servant, which was amusingly ironic.

well, when i got home today, i saw a lunchables box (last night’s dinner) on the ground, shredded…and on either side of it were what had been on either side of it on the table…the cable box remote and the sony remote that controls the box, the tv, and the dvd player. the box was toast. the remotes were untouched, save for being on the floor. past that, was a baseball hat that i hardly EVER wear, and don’t really like…destroyed. past that, one of my fitted stüssy’s i wear all the time. slightly slobbery, but not even a tooth dent in the brim.

how did she know? but then it got weird when i saw the silver trail…

a bite sized chunk of cd lay next to the people are people insert. then the rest. then a cd snapped in half next to the somebody/blasphemous rumours jewel case. then the remains of everything counts, the box itself, and finally, untouched, the master and servant single. i looked up at the bar where i had the little box sets stuffed on shelves in the door. the old order was dm box #1, GOOD dm box #2, BAD dm box #2, dm box #3, and then an r.e.m. box. but now there was a blank spot where the BAD one had been. she pulled the slightly jacked up one, that i couldn’t play and couldn’t sell out of one of the MIDDLE shelves, and fucked it up.

what are the odds? and this wasn’t the first time…

one time i was organizing the cd shelf in the den, and i pulled out six discs i wanted to sell. i ran some errands around town, and when i got back the stack was knocked over, and one of the cds had been chewed to hell and was laying play side up. i turned it over to see the title – the cure, disintegration. TOTAL blasphemy in many of your eyes. but here’s the off part – that’s the one cd, out of a stack of six (and it was in the middle of the pile, no less) that i was selling because i had a DOUBLE of it. and it was in pretty banged up condition to start off with.

spooky.

so, as pissed as i was that she tore into some of my stuff, her record of not going after the stuff that actually MEANS something or is actually WORTH something pretty much remains in tact, save for a couch incident on saturday. i just wonder how she knows what i have doubles of or what not…this is TOO fucking weird to be total coincidence.

calum and buffi have only one CD fatality to their credit, and i’m pretty sure it was buffi that did the deed (SO not calum’s style to destroy stuff…he just moves it and slobbers all over it). it was a kid rock display, larger than life i might add, that held about 120 CDs…they got loose while i was at an express game and trashed my house (that’s why the gate is now sealed with safety locks…buffi figured out how to undo normal ones). when they went after kid rock, they tore a chunk out of the top of his head, and liberated all 120 CDs…mostly imports, rarities, and such. the only CD to be pulled from it’s case and fucked up properly? a debut CD from an all girl band that later changed it’s line up, got a deal, and re-recorded the whole thing, making this copy pretty rare…

and the band’s name? kittie

if you can’t see the humor in that you’re just not trying…

Replies: 5 Comments

yes, but they use the term “fixed” when they do it to a female, too, sin…so that kinda blows that “typical male” shit outta the water, huh? you’re older…YOU FIRST. and this from the one guy here who doesn’t wince and sharp things heading that direction….obviously.

sean (whatever) said @ 09/05/2002 02:54 AM GMT

Just think tho… if you are ‘broken’ now, and then you get ‘fixed’, you’d be that much better! You don’t have any idea what you’re missing, it could be something beyond your wildest dreams. I guess its just a typical male thing: afraid to have something fixed, and live with things the way they are.

the redhead said @ 09/04/2002 03:56 PM GMT

sounds like brit doesn’t want to get speared, boy…and how is it they “fix” what ain’t broken? women seem to love mine, metal and all, just the way it is.

sean (i SO need to get to work) said @ 09/04/2002 02:09 PM GMT

Brit spears it

And when you clip a male, it’s called “getting him fixed,” if I recall.

astrofishy said @ 09/04/2002 12:00 PM GMT

I, too, would be pretty pissed if you took my womanhood away…. I wonder what YOU’d do if I took away all that makes you a man! Isn’t Disintegration the one with “Friday I’m in Love?” Just remember the 80’s dance and be thankful!

sin D said @ 09/04/2002 11:34 AM GMT

a while back i stopped tipping the drivers at pizza hut. and yes, i have a reason. they made this big thing in the news about it, but the company had decided to be the first pizza joint that CHARGES for delivery. what puzzled me about this was about six or eight months before the announcement, the lockhart one had started to do it. it always bugged me, but for reasons that some would think is odd given what i do.

one of the things that bugs the SHIT out of me is when my fellow brethren in F-M land talk about concert tickets and say how much they cost, more often than not giving only the BASE price. like i don’t need to pay my bills or something. fortunately for our friendship, james ALWAYS says it right…example is the upcoming, koRn-headlined 101x fest…he’ll quote ticket prices as “thirty-dollars PLUS service charges at all star ticket outlets”.

good boy.

i despise those calls when i happen to be bored enough to actually take ticket calls and i get the attitude on the end of the phone…so i quote a chunk of my resume to them. the phone chat in question:

“okay, ma’am, that’s two tickets to nickelback at the backyard…the total charge will be $58”
“WAIT….that’s NOT right. i heard on 101x that tickets were $25. that should be $50!!!”
“that’s the base price, PLUS service charge, ma’am.”
“well….the RADIO said….”
“yes, i understand…but 101x stopped paying me in april of 1996. after that i CAN’T be held responsible for what’s heard on that station…star’s been paying me for over two years now, and it’ll be $58.”

so, today is labor day 2k2, where i make plans with not one, not two, but THREE separate people. all for the same thing…to go tubing. but since i DID talk to less than five people, i ended up sitting around the house. one had a totally legitimate excuse, one had a semi-legitimate one, and the other…well…just disappeared. i hadn’t done a daddy-doggy day (where i come home from a night’s festivities and just don’t leave the house at all for more than 24 hours) in quite a while, so i decided today would be such a day. but food would be needed, and in lockhart you have two delivery options…fried chicken or pizza. i went with option “b”.

i call pizza hut. they tell me that one of the specials is the big new yorker for $9.99. cool, i think to myself…i’ll have one of those. now, i did a four year tour of duty in retail. i can do texas sales tax in my head…and i know that $9.99 is $10.81 post government intervention. but she said my total was $12.98. that’s $11.99, plus tax. so, since she asked me the ever classic “pickup or delivery” question before telling me the specials, why not just tell me it’s $11.99 since that’s what i end up paying anyway, PLUS tax? i asked her, and after a loooooooooong pause, she said, “well, that’s the price PLUS delivery”.

touché.

so, i figure since i already kicked $2 their way, let THEM tip the motherfucker in the $700 honda civic with the $2500 rims and the $4000 stereo who’s bumping the bootleg dj screw cd in my driveway as he swaggers up to my door with my food. but here’s where you see that this is as HIGH as this kid’s career will probably get. this is it. peaked at 17. and i emphasized the word “high” for a reason. check this shit out…

“dude, that will be $12.98”
“gotcha covered right here, bro…”

and i hand him $15. he reaches in his pocket, i THINK to get my change. but no, it’s much worse. he pulls out a FUCKING POCKET CALCULATOR. to figure the change out of $15 for a $12.98 order. that is TOO fucking scary. and proof that maybe not tipping them has forced pizza hut to get a little lax in their screening process. but it actually gets better. when i saw him retrieve the calculator, i said, “dude…you owe me two bucks and two pennies”. he continued to do the calculator thing, and when he saw the results and saw i was right, looked at me like i was a genius. i think by darwinian law i could have killed him on the spot to prevent him from producing offspring and dragging the herd down, but we don’t live by darwin rules, do we?

Replies: 1 Comment

i’ve been saying we need to thin the herd for years.but hey, cut pizza-boy fuckhead some slack, you gotta figure they pay those guys what? minimum wage at best, the employer gets what they pay for.

shane said @ 09/03/2002 05:31 PM GMT

TOTALLY my fault. i figured it was no big deal that with the exception of laundry, and cleaning the den, my room, and the bathrooms that the day went uneventful. why? because when me and james were out at sugar’s on friday night, he mentioned birthday festivities at the yellow rose on sunday. said it was for shane (a dj at 101 i used to work with…not the guy you’ve heard me talk about that occasionally posts comments about going to see his PO).

the plan, as i understood it, was pretty simple. drunken sunday night debauchery because monday was his birthday and due to the holiday none of us had to work. COOL plan. plus, my favorite, cool as hell dj that USED to work at sugar’s NOW works at the rose (and sounds a LOT happier), so there was that as a bonus. and the debauchery would center around a yellow rose staple….THE CAGE.

when you first walk into the yellow rose, it greets you. big. black. iron. hard wood floor, with chains and d-rings and wrist restraints hanging from the center, with a door that can be locked behind you. yes, it is LITERALLY a cage. it’s where naughty (lucky) little boys and girls paid well to be naughtier get locked in for the amusement of others. odd thing about the cage; i know very few people familiar with the austin strip club scene who HAVEN’T seen a cage victim. i know plenty who can tell you who they’ve paid good money to put there…be it their boss, their dad (if you’re josh), or your buddy on the eve of his bachelor party.

but none of my buddies have ever BEEN in the cage…and everyone who talks about it has a “i know this guy…” vibe to the story.

they take you in, shackle you to the top (usually using your own belt), drop your pants around your ankles (not the situation your mom had in mind when she always told you to wear clean underwear, but easily the BEST situation to follow the rule). two or three songs of spanking and grinding later, you’re released back into general population, as the hero of your table for the rest of the night. such was the fate of shane last night…with one little problem.

no cage. it’s gone. yes “gone”. as in “not there”. what the fuck?

so, the night’s centerpiece and the planned bit for the whore was gone. but i know not where. come tuesday, i am SO writing an email to see what the fuck (i’m on the manager’s mailing list at work – long story). in a bit of “spike the ball” irony, the booth in vip we started off in (i still don’t know why we got moved half-way through the night) was where the cage USED to be. is nothing in this world sacred?

i knew something was wrong when we pulled in the lot. it seemed busy. TOO busy. james and i NEVER have parking issues in the side lot of sugar’s (which is actually the back lot of one of the adjoining office buildings), but tonight we did. “what the fuck?”, i wondered out loud, as we walked up…”oh yeah, dude…” james said, “they’re having some dance contest tonight”.

hold on.

before you get some flashback to me talking about jody splashing milk and such across her jiggly DDs, this was a bit different. this one i had seen on the website. this one had a theme…

“over thirty”

now, before you start INSTANTLY shooting down to the comments section, understand that i LIKE some women over thirty. hell, i love women in general, and have met some damn near PERFECT ones that were over thirty. no issues there at all. and some of the women, from what i saw last night, are much like some of the no longer twenty-somethings i’ve gone out with…like a fine wine, they’ve gotten better with age.

but then there were the OTHER half of the contestants.

the ones that were heavy on the “OVER”, lighter on the “thirty”. like WAY past thirty. one of them i don’t think has seen thirty since 1930. scary, scary stuff. it was when THAT was on stage that james was off at the bar, meaning i had to deal with that SOBER. i think that is actually listed in webster’s dictionary as the third or fourth definition of “SUCK”. but all was on it’s way to getting better soon there after.

proudly, i almost kinda sorta stayed on budget…with the exception of the nacho round i bought, but that was just NEEDED. and once the contestants, and their husbands, kids, co-workers, and one SERIOUSLY scary table of lesbian supporters all headed out, there was actually places we could sit.

highlight of the night? well, two barbie-looking girls got on the stage and danced together. i told james i just NEEDED them to BOTH come grind on me for a sec, if for no other reason then to get a good whore bit out of it. i sauntered up to the stage, and barbie I danced on over. once she got close, i saw she actually wasn’t quite as cute as i gave her credit for…but of course, still WAY do-able. “get your friend over here, too…”, i said. “we don’t really do that often”, she replied, which seemed to be true. then they were getting off stage and barbie III came on. barbie I and barbie II decided to join HER and now we had a VERY eye-pleasing threesome going. at the end of HER two songs, they start to leave, and the best of the bunch, barbie IV came out (proof that OCCASIONALLY the sequel can beat the original). TOO damn fine. and TOO many drinks. i headed for the head, but made it REALLY quick. i walk in back in to see a class reunion..barbie I, II, III, AND IV all together on stage. i instinctively start heading that way, as I & II head off separately to dance for some other guys, and reach in my pocket to find ONE dollar left. i dig it out, look at it like, “shit”, only to see IV gesturing for me to head her way. i walk up in front of her at the same time III walks up behind her. IV had crouched down, knees on either side of my chest, and III started to walk off. IV reached back behind her and held her in place by her calf, and bent over to rub the top of her head against a couple of my more “unmentionable” piercings. III took the hint, rubbed her tits across IV’s ass, then up her back, and finally up in my face as she straddled her. “we’ve wanted to double up on some big, muscular guy all night….thanks”, III purred in my ear before “unmounting” and walking off. IV dragged her rather ample (and artificial) “assets” across my face, and came eye to eye with me. “that was fun”, she said with a wink.

sugar, you said a mouthful. and showed me a couple mouthfuls to boot.

she pulled the thigh string of her thong out, and in went my last dollar. a nice kiss on my ear (and one returned back at her) and back to the table i went. i’ve always said you’ve done SOMETHING wrong if you leave a titty bar with any singles left on you. larger bills are all well and good. but if some singles are left, you did something WRONG.

there was NOTHING wrong about how MY last dollar went out. best dollar i’ve EVER spent.

i don’t recall when i figured this out. it wasn’t long ago, i don’t believe…only in the last few years. but somehow, someway, i developed this skill…i can make people believe almost ANYTHING i say if i put my mind to it. there seems to be only two karmic rules:
[continue reading…]

blame it on the tequila. that’s ALL i have to say. i remember (one of the last things i do so clearly from yesterday, i might add) that the description by the drink i had (the “fuzzy” rita) was that “after a few of these, lifes starts to SEEM fuzzy.”

no bullshit.

i got home last night and COULD not write…which is a shame because i WAS not drunk; just creatively unfocused and kinda numb. i remember kathi and i talking about SEVERAL things that i was saying at the time, “this is SO going on the ‘whore….you know that, right?”

but apparently, it isn’t. at least not yet.

i passed out hard last night and woke up late, so i’ll TRY and get a little more up later today, but work ain’t real cool with me doing the whore on the company nickel (i just got the humor in that as i proofread) so we’ll see. keep in mind, we’ve got a three-day holiday weekend coming up, and in my grand tradition in such matters, i don’t have anything to do or anyone to spend it with…

*starts singing old david lee roth song that was old when dave sang it….*

“i-i-i-i-i-i-i-i-i-i-i ain’t got no baw-dee………nobody, cares for me….no body”

okay, i’ll stop…

but the bottom line is, i’ll have TONS o’ time to make up for it, even though most of you won’t actually read it till tuesday, since most of you, unlike me, have lives. only kidding. i know you don’t , either…

Replies: 1 Comment

I’ll give you a nickle not to sing. And I had a life once, but those things are //so// over-rated.

astrofishy said @ 08/29/2002 02:41 PM GMT