i love rental cars. mainly because typically they’re better (and always newer) than my car. plus, the guys at enterprise seem to take care of me pretty well, so i usually end up with the best they have. sure, they all have their disadvantages, like the fuel door factor (when you go to gas up you will almost ALWAYS pull up with the wrong side to the pump at least once, right?) and the parking lot factor (walking right past the son of a bitch on your way to a car that looks a lot more like yours than the rental does) but other than that, it’s all good…plus, at least with the better ones, i like to get them on this one straight, flat stretch of road and “see what that puppy can do”…

it was one of the “puppy runs” that almost got me in trouble. i was in a good mood on monday, after a nice dinner with sparkling company AND taking advantage of the early wrap-up thereof and running about knocking out the stickering of five of my seven outlets…the way home i NEEDED a slight celebration, so when i got past the speed trap that is martindale, i decided it was go time. i got on the nice, straight stretch leading up to a hill and punched it; the 2003 maxima i was in got up to just over 130 mph…basically twice the posted speed limit. then all of a sudden, i notice the car way back in the distance…and it lights have started to alternately blink (wig-wags, if you know your cop terms).

uh-oh…

so, i fly over the top of the hill and the son of a bitch is still about a mile back…and closing fast. i decide to sit in the parking lot of the maxwell post office and wait (lights off, of course)…when i turn down that road, a brand new mitsubishi eclipse pulls out onto the road and punches it…just in time for sheriff boy to round the top of the hill seconds later. now, both the eclipse AND the maxima have triangle lenses with round tail lights and third lights on the spoilers. since the light pattern is all he could see on me from the distance, guess who took the fall on this one. the sedan casually sitting in the parking lot or the brand new, black sports car that’s going 75 mph on the highway? hmmm…i mean, by the time he had him line-of-sight the eclipse was already up to 75, which is 10 mph over…but the sheriff probably thought he had just slowed down to that. just wonder what the ticket said when it got written out. i disappeared down a back road and saw the pull over from a distance when i got back on the highway. and it was behind me. oh well, these things happen…what kinda road karma do you think i’ll get for this one?

Replies: 3 Comments

“Hey, Bubba, watch me do this!”

astrofishy said @ 10/24/2002 02:20 AM GMT

lucifer has a special place for you… right down front – his right hand.

i’m still watching (god – cotton tighty-whities – as if) said @ 10/24/2002 01:23 AM GMT

Why is it everyone else in the world can get away with crap like that and I go even 5 miles over the limit and I get ticketed?

You’re a bad boy– but that’s why I like to read you so, keep up the good work!

MC said @ 10/23/2002 05:28 PM GMT

i’m a guy. i’m in that oh-so-crucial 18-34 age group. i’m white. (no, really). and i own my own home AND have a college degree. what you can see here should make me dick-hard-happy. and i think it’s almost SAD that we’ve progressed / regressed this far. and of course, i saw it at fry’s. great. we ALL know how i feel about THIS place, right?

i THOUGHT it was gonna be a good fry’s visit…for the first time ever. i just don’t typically like that place; they make EVERYTHING a lot more complicated than it needs to be. but i’ve been on this quest to get a new headset for my mobile phone and it has NOT been going well. i was tired of the one i had (a bit big and bulky, to be honest) and had tried the other attachment on the one i had that just didn’t cut it, and reminded me of why i hadn’t used it in the first place. then i went and bought a jabra one from verizon, which came with SIX different “ear gels”…one for either ear in one of three sizes. no dice. the small wasn’t even considered (NOTHING about me is small), the medium was a bit too small, and the large a bit too large, so i had to return it. walked out with a plantronics one (my favorite brand of headset for phones….learned about them from kramer) and that one just didn’t work for me, either. so today, i tried one more plantronics one (my original one was that brand as well) and eureka, i think i’m cool with this one. at least it works for me, but i have yet to talk to anyone except work on it, so we’ll see. but at least the quest appears to be over, which i thought would make for a good fry’s visit…the work purchase, however, was a whole different ball of wax.

and then came this.

what the fuck? who on earth needs a refrigerator that can download net porn? or play digital music through the attached speakers? at least the guy at fry’s was wrong about one thing…see, the bitch has a digital camera on the outside of it so you can take digital pics in your kitchen (keep in mind, you DO prepare food in there…wipe down the counters accordingly), but it doesn’t have one on the inside that feeds the monitors, which i see as a good thing (he said it did). i thought you could actually see the contents of your fridge without having to open the door…that is just TOO damn lazy. but you CAN record audio / video memos on it to leave for your loved ones / room mates / the idiot you fucked the night before and forgot to kick out of your house before you left for work…the demo at fry’s now has me, looking you dead in the eye, and pointing at you in an accusing way…the audio is the following…

“if you are seriously considering buying a $6500 refrigerator, you have TOO much damn money. go buy a car for your kid…or put a poor kid through a year of college. you can keep your food cold for MUCH less than this…and don’t you have toys around your house that will do this for you anyway?”

okay, so they’ve probably erased it by now…

the only person i could see this REALLY benefiting is the guy at fry’s. i mean, think about it…he’s stuck in appliances. no computers to slap porn on, no music from the stereo demos, no tv to watch. just washers and dryers and fridges….oh MY!!! that just HAS to suck. but now he’s got his dvd player hooked to the mega-fridge so he could sit and watch rush hour II today. pretty cool. of course, he was bragging to me that the NEXT wave of these bohemiths is gonna have it’s OWN dvd player. great. one guy (sorry, i don’t know where he lives, ladies) commented, “yeah…but now the wife can’t bitch if i make her stay in the kitchen all the time, right?” okay, first off, you are just sad for the statement. secondly, no guy who could afford this would think that way. and third, most who COULD afford it, would have a cook. i mean, $6500 for a damn refrigerator? and this was the MARKDOWN price…hadn’t mentioned that, had i? it WAS $8K. just plain sad…

you’ll notice the title is “good” movie and not “great” movie. for good reason. this one was far from (rules of attraction) horrible, and at the same time far from awesome. but it WAS good. and more than that, it was a quest, damn it.

rules of attraction, one hour photo, and knock around guys. these are three of quite a few movies i ended up seeing when i WANTED to see ice cube’s new flick, barber shop. like i said, not awesome, but not bad. i referred to it today as “friday filler”…as in what cube does with his time between friday flicks. compared to some of his OTHER ways to kill time (anaconda, that one where he was in space that sucked so bad i can’t even remember the title, etc) this was pretty fucking good. no giant, fake-as-pam-lee’s-tits looking snake, no token brotha in space. comparatively, REALLY fucking good. but it had gotten to where it wasn’t so much the MOVIE that i had to accomplish…it was just the principle of seeing it.

kinda like that flick the new guy. i liked it. did it on pay-per-view and watched it twice. pretty fucking good. i had quested after that one when it came to theaters and never got to see it on the big screen, either…but apparently enough of y’all thought it sucked to where it disappeared pretty damn fast and i missed my chance. that ALMOST happened with this one, but i got it when it was in that LAST theater at the end of the hall. you know the one. the one where the screen is JUST a bit larger than the big screen at your favorite place to watch football away from home. the place where you saw spiderman if you waited till september to see it. the one where you look up the times and notice that they go something to the effect of “12:30…4:40…9:15” and that’s IT. because in between, they show something else. it’s got a cinematic room mate. that means one more week, and it’ll be only $2.00 at that theater you went to when you were a kid that now NOBODY goes to because it doesn’t have stadium seating or whatever. but damn it, i saw at the REAL one. and you know what made it all the sweeter?

no goddamn eminem trailer.

don’t get me wrong, that new em flick looks pretty good. i MIGHT go see it. but it has become the fall blue crush…as in you can’t even go NEAR a movie without the same trailer being there over and over and over…that was the reason i never saw blue crush. well that, and the fact it just looked like shit. all my friends were like, “yeah…but DUDE…hot chicks on the beach!!!” valid point. but i have porn at home that contains that. and it’s paid for. and they strip ALL the way down. and fuck each other. that won’t even make the DIRECTOR’S CUT of blue crush on dvd. and like the surfette flick, i KNOW the acting is gonna suck. but the actresses suck, too. and swallow. or take it on the face. beat THAT, blue crush. ya know what else? none of my friends that tried to save that shit in my eyes bothered to see it…and judging off how quickly it disappeared from theaters, none of y’all did, either.

for that, i thank you all.

the movie i REALLY wanted to see, and never got to in theaters was shrek. but that one was probably a wise choice to avoid. i did finally see it on cable, but it was long after kids were receiving it for xmas and such…i was WAY behind on that one. and that’s okay. all those kid movies remind me of my mom (one of disney’s biggest fans) so whenever i see them, i tend to get a little weepy (i AM secure enough in my masculinity to admit that) and so seeing them in public probably ain’t wise. damn, i miss that woman.

plus, if i REALLY wanna see a kid flick in the theater, i’d have to do it liz-style. the way i saw them all when i was growing up….you show up about thirty minutes INTO the movie, stay to the end, watch the credits, then sit through all the previews at the next showing, the first thirty minutes, and then when it starts to look familiar, you get up and leave. believe it or not, that’s how i saw almost EVERY damn movie growing up that my mom took me to. she was not exactly punctual. you know that scene in back to the future with the giant guitar amp? i had seen that movie in the theater, then on cable a dozen times…and i never saw that scene until 1997. no bullshit. that’s why i might not be on time to a lot of things, but damn it, i NEVER miss movie show times. some scars from childhood never heal, i guess…but compared to other folk’s childhood traumas, i guess i got off pretty fucking light, huh?

Replies: 1 Comment

Come home with me sometime. I’ll show you 8 Mile. Its the border of Detroit and the world. I was chuckling to myself during that preview….never really ventured to those areas growing up but I do know that the areas they show in the previews are more in the city. And I don’t think that even 8 Mile has trailer parks….period.

the redhead said @ 10/21/2002 02:32 PM GMT

certain things i guess i need to realize are as inevitable as death and texas. one, is shiner bocktoberfest and rain. two, is shiner bocktoberfest and NO mobile coverage. so, by 10:45 am saturday i was soaked to my socks and i could OCCASIONALLY call people but not a damn person could call me. but it kinda fit the weekend…

friday was gonna be a rest-up and mentally prepare kinda evening. go hit the gym, grab a light dinner, write on the whore, and crash. nope. didn’t happen. had last minute plan changes and all of a sudden i’m doing the great table search on the back patio of chacho’s just off i10 for the third friday night in a row…maybe we should just start having “whore booze night” there or something…home of great margaritas and those AMAZING frozen jack and cokes. even more amazing was the company, but never mind that now.

when i went to sleep at 1:00 am, it was clear, windy, and nice out. i remember standing out on the back porch in a pair of flannel pants and a wife beater looking up at the stars and thinking about all those poor schmucks that had been warning me about the weather issues for bocktoberfest. it was a GORGEOUS night. now it was sleepy time…i mean, i only had about six hours before i needed to get up and start preparing, right? now, before i ended up crashing i got a wild hair (so to speak), set my clippers on #3, and trimmed down the ring o’ fur that encircles my mouth…then took them to the whole rest of my head. who knew i could look MEANER? but never mind all that now; we’ll discuss that another time.

six hours later, i get up. the temperature has only dropped about four degrees. the precipitation level has DRAMATICALLY changed. it is absolutely torrential outside. good thing i had backed the car in so i could unload a ticket system into the car without it getting trashed by rain. i printed up all the will call, and five hundred cash tickets JUST in case we showed up to storm damaged phone lines. then, i got ready, picked up my “sister” kathi, and away we went to the land of the anti-ziegenbock.

the rest, we’ll save for another time…

so, let’s say you want to kill yourself (keep in mind, i JUST finished dr. oswald t. pratt’s book, you are worthless…depressing nuggets of wisdom sure to ruin your day), and you decide to do it by plunging from something high, like a REALLY tall building. now i know, from experience, that when i drop in elevation quickly (and i’m talking about a relatively short distance, like a roller coaster or something) that my ears pop, and to stop the discomfort, i yawn or pop my jaw or something to clear them. if someone who happens to be plunging to their death has THEIR ears pop, and they yawn or whatever to clear them, do they have a moment of clarity where they think, “holy SHIT…i just popped my ears. i DO care about myself…i DO care about my well-being…” so the last thought that runs through their head before their head is a runny pile of goo is, “OOPS!!!!”?

just curious…

thursday at a glance…

roll out of bed WAY late (see previous entry) (2019 NOTE: or not – lol) because i forget that i have to leave the house as early as i do to be at the office in way west austin even though we’ve now been there for over six months. on the way in call randy only to be told it’s all good since i have to work that show last night which i had also forgotten about. get to the office and work on PCs realizing that the problem i had been dealing with the day before was all about having the wrong disc of software and not necessarily about my PC workin’ skills (or lack there of), get disgusted and rip disc out of PC drive and snap it into fourths in front of co-workers. go get chicken cesar salad from deli down the hill and munch before solving two big promoters problems that could have gotten me out of the office for a few hours over the phone so i don’t have to leave the office and therefore never seem to un-ass my desk for the rest of the day as i sit, work, talk on the phone, and write you folks a quick bit about waking up late (sorry for the late post…but at least that “days at a stretch with no entry in sight” bullshit seems to be behind us, right?) then go hit the gym where i forget that i will spend the several hours AFTER the gym working a salsa show (as in the musical genre, not some food fair or something) and therefore on my feet for several hours on a hard concrete floor so i push it and nail fifteen calf raises and ten leg press reps on six-hundred and fifty (650) pounds. after the show, i went home…

two notes from the show:

a rather lanky gentleman is buying tickets to see ruben blades (latin gentleman who’s been in several movies who also makes salsa music and who’s guest list included the likes of robert rodriguez and robert duval…neither of which showed at the box office to claim tickets, and i didn’t see them milling around backstage, but they may have been there) and waves at some woman walking past me as he does who greets him through the glass by name and says she’ll see him inside. the woman was NOT lanky…in fact, let’s call her “anti-lanky”, and THAT’S just to be kind. he goes in, and five minutes later is in my face demanding a refund complaining that the show isn’t music, but rather ruben just doing a monologue about himself. my response:

“sir, we’re only ten minute into the set, and you only came in five minutes ago…the timeslot for ruben blades on the line-up sheet is for almost THREE HOURS…i wouldn’t give up hope just yet.”

he responds by slamming his ticket stub down near my cash drawer and then holding it there. i look down at his hand, look back up, and very calmly say, “you don’t wanna do that”. when he inquires what i might be implying, i continue, “with your hand near my cash like that, it looked as if you might be trying to get a refund whether i liked it or not, and i was simply saying that if you DO try and reach for my cash, i can’t be held responsible for what i do to you, but rest assured whatever happens to you, you really deserved”, and then i give him my best, “so, you wanna keep FUCKING with me?” smile. he retreats, and mouths a bit more as he wanders off. jackass.

a few hours later, a small, round, latin gentleman comes up to me, spins the guest list around, looks at it, and then says, “there was a name left off of here…may i see your pen?” my response was, “why certainly…if you can tell me who the hell you are…” he apologizes and begins to introduce himself, and midstream the house manger walks by. “k.c., would you like to introduce us?”, i ask him. he responds by verifying that this IS the tour manager, and we’re all good, so i front him my pen. he compliments me on my professionalism. we’ll see how much of that i have left AFTER i deal with bocktoberfest this saturday, for which i might just shave my head…but we’ll see.

another 2019 note – i always remember shaving my head the same day i got it cut short, but maybe i rode it out for a bit? i do know i did it the first time, with clippers, right before bocktoberfest, so i’ll guess that was 2002.

okay, NOW i have seen too much. i have seen things go too far. and in wal-mart, of all places. as janine garafalo said in the truth about cats and dogs, “love your pets, but don’t LOVE your pets…”. this of course does NOT go for the human ones, but never mind that now. i’ve talked about my canine tribe on here many a time…calum has gotten his fair share of time on the whore, buffi not so much…and copper has clearly stole the show as of late. all great dogs. all have their bad side, and their good side. and think about this…they live with ME. they see me ALL the time…live in my house. are surrounded by my stuff. how many of YOU could deal with that and not go ass-up nuts? this says a LOT about this group, who’s combined weight is actually more than ME…

i may talk about them (and on occasion, to them) as if they were little, furry, people. i’m a big, furry person…there’s a kinship there. but you know one way i will never, ever, EVER personify them? their fucking WARDROBE!!! they wear collars. how many of YOU would i let lounge around my house in just a collar? (have fun answering THAT one). but that’s it…and i know people who are worse. the one group i can kinda, sorta excuse from this are little, older women who have those annoying-assed yipping rats that are always shaking ’cause they’re cold so grandma knits them a sweater. TOTALLY cool. at least she knows that’s a sweater that will get WORN, unlike those ungrateful bastard grand kids who just put it in the closet and forget about it. and they’re kinda lonely, and like doing that sort of thing. plus, i HATE the little rodents of the doggie world….so it’s kinda nice to see them humiliated and all.

i even know a guy who not only has clothes for his dog, but a full-on gordon’s fisherman-style rain slicker AND matching hat that he makes the poor thing wear when it goes out to “do it’s business” in the rain. the dog is also old enough to fucking DRIVE, and got hit by a car about a year and a half ago and SURVIVED. it can’t die from shame OR a chevelle. it has to ride out it’s pain, both mental and physical, for all eternity…so, if you’ve ever wondered where hitler was reincarnated, i think we have a winner.

but today at wal-mart took the fucking cake. i went in to get a two week supply of pup grub (40 lb sack of iams large breed) and decided to look for a few things, including halloween costume stuff. i’m going as the ultimate evil priest…complete with satanic bible and the ever popular crucifix that if some of you not-so-good little girls on sixth street come up and kiss for luck JUST right (for the amusement of me and any little catholic school girls gone bad i might happen upon and be dragging along (literally) with me as i make my pilgrimage through downtown austin) then you might end up at a VERY nice after party…but never mind that now. downside is, so far, no priest frock that’ll fit a guy with a 51″ chest and the arms and shoulders to accompany it.

but wal-mart had something even MORE demented than what i’ll be doing the 31st…they have halloween costumes for DOGS!!! what the FUCK? and COMPLICATED ones…like snow white and shit. and they cost more than most of the CHILDREN’S costumes. now THAT’S some fucking priorities, huh? so, for any of you who would subject you’re “loyal friend” to this, please, i beg of you, kneel before my chevy as it plows down the highway at 75 mph…not to put YOU out of your misery, ’cause you probably think you’re okay. but for the sake of your pets. think about it. do you realize that if your pet went to doggie prison that NO ONE gets the bitch treatment quite like a mutt pup that once dressed as a cowboy? do you REALLY need to reenact the village people on all fours?

(shut the FUCK up, all of you who caught the other way that could be interpreted..)

if you have the urge to buy one of these, and just can’t fight it, buy it, then wander over to the meat counter and get some beef drippings. then go home, put the pup in the clown suit, and stop feeding it for about a week. the lay down on the living room floor, splash the beef juice across your throat, and let your dog come and put an end to BOTH your pain and suffering. trust me, you’ll feel better. and so will the rest of us.

Replies: 11 Comments

here fishy, fishy, fishy…

537 said @ 10/18/2002 05:43 PM GMT

astrofishy doesn’t COWER, damn it…he just feels out of water when the woman is the aggressor…makes him feel like he needs to be more feminine…and if that hippy gets much more feminine, it’ll be a SKIRT, hawiian shirt, and tevas for her..i mean, um, him.

cardinal sean said @ 10/18/2002 02:04 PM GMT

astrofishy might be in the corner cowering because someone’s showing him attention.

god again, silk boxers today said @ 10/18/2002 01:43 PM GMT

i don’t think astrofishy wants to play 🙁

537 said @ 10/17/2002 10:05 PM GMT

who said i was playing a character?
and i’m quite certain that 537 was trying to get your attention.

god in flannel boxers said @ 10/17/2002 06:24 PM GMT

what about god? she’s gonna be joining us and the character she’s playing is based on someone around your age…and i think that 537 individual was trying to get your attention.

deacon sean said @ 10/16/2002 05:05 AM GMT

how about, “Li’l Miss Naughty’s special [friend, baby sister, MILF, whatever]?

Just no dogs?

astrofishy said @ 10/16/2002 12:17 AM GMT

sorry, fish boy; unless you’re REALLY cute and female lil’ miss naughty is ALL mine…for that night, anyway.

father sean said @ 10/15/2002 07:55 PM GMT

astrofishy you can come play with me

537 said @ 10/15/2002 06:52 PM GMT

Astrofishy, sorry you can’t play that would be weird…..

the ever popular naughty catholic girl

Little Red Devil Girl…I mean..naughty catholic girl said @ 10/15/2002 03:07 PM GMT

well, it looks like I’m going to have to tag along with you on Valentine’s Day, I mean, Halloween. After all, I am a card-carrying minister. You could always use my help with those naughty catholic girls.

astrofishy said @ 10/15/2002 01:53 PM GMT

the following was phoned into my answering machine late on friday night, after three days of hard work in sa that more than doubled our outlet presents. my friday night plans got changed more times than the lotion refill inside a twenty-four hour nudie booth (not that i’d know about such things, of course) and ended up with me, all by my lonesome, eating fajita nachos, drinking THE most evil drink on the planet (frozen jack and coke…kinda like an adult slurpee, with plenty of kick), reading a hysterical book entitled “you are worthless”, who’s “serenity prayer” goes like this:

“oh, lord, grant me the serenity to accept the fact that you are a figment of my imagination, the courage to face my miserable life without pretending you’re somehow there for me, and the wisdom to stop hanging up stupid prayer placards in my kitchen.”

amen

so, my drunken ramblings, according to the answering machine that greeted me when i got home on saturday evening; entitled a six pack of ways to know you PROBABLY shouldn’t be driving…

1. when you go to take a piss, you lean against the divider wall and pass out for about ten minutes while whizzing in the urinal. this is PARTICULARLY true if you happen to be female.

2. as you leave, a uniformed (off duty) bexar county sheriff’s deputy asks you if you’re ‘cool’. you respond with, “do you want me to tell you the truth, or do you want me to tell you what you want to hear?”.

3. you sit in your car for ten minutes in the parking lot, and ponder aloud as if it were the final jeopardy question worth a million dollars: “if he had downed the two jumbo-sized frozen jack and cokes, and had very little food, and been stupid enough to pop THREE hydroxycut capsules on an empty stomach before doing so thus speed balling his metabolism and causing the booze to hit a LOT harder, what WOULD jesus do?”.

4. you babble off a nirvana lyric as number four and you’re ALREADY DRIVING at the time…

5. you think of drinking as jogging and actually feel you’ll get your second wind after a run away from the restaurant and therefore plan on adding yet more fuel to the fire upon your return….(okay, that one proved to be pretty true, actually)

6. you leave yourself babbling messages on your own answering machine as notes on six reasons you probably shouldn’t be driving home…WHILE driving. and take EIGHT messages to get the SIX things out. and you STILL don’t make it home till twenty-two hours later, but damn it you do so sober. okay, i added that last part just now…it’s my page. i can do that…

the scene was at chacho’s…sa…friday night. kimberly was there. you ALL remember kimberly, right? the “porn-star-in-training”? yeah, i know you’ve ALL been wondering where she might have been (she claims she gets fan mail…why don’t i get fan mail?), and she was upset i “killed off her character”, so i’m just letting you all know she’s still around. and alive. and you KNOW you’ve gone too far when a bisexual, smut-loving, booze-guzzling former vegas girl who has almost SCREAMED in public that “all she wanted was a guy to fuck her in the ass and cum on her face…is that too much to ask?” tells you, “dude…for that you are SO going to hell.”

yeah, like THAT’S news to anyone. i figured i was going a long, long time ago…now i just wanna guarantee myself a good table. maybe a round of drinks from the house. it HAS been a free drink kinda weekend…last night, i got brought a drink on the river walk but never got asked for money. tonight pizza hut brought me a two liter of pepsi without me asking for it or being charged…but never mind that now. back to chacho’s…

i don’t know HOW this got brought into conversation…i don’t. it might have just leaked out of my head…remember how the WOW! chips went away because it actually had the phrase “anal leakage” on the wrapper? well, i have cranial leakage…and usually this site is the kleenex that catches it. well, when tequila gets involved, some occasional unplanned leakage occurs.

i’ve checked, and nobody seems to know how the subject came up…and i was a bit fuzzy at the time, so all i remember is the first line just CAME OUT, and i made up the rest on the spot right there at the corner patio table, which as far as i know i just blurted out after a silence i just HAD to fill:

“…and you know who NEVER got mentioned in the bible, but shoulda? mary’s DAD!!! i mean, in ANY day and age keeping your daughter a virgin not only till, but AFTER marriage is a chore and a half…so how the fuck do you think that whole ‘immaculate’ shit went over with him? can’t you picture it? him pacing around the living room…loading the biblical-era equivalent to a shotgun, screaming at mary, ‘so who IS this god motherfucker? where does he live? what? don’t give me that our LORD shit…i ain’t buying that. wait…i know him…that’s that son of a bitch who lives in that SINGLE WIDE tent on the other side of the main bazaar, isn’t it? well, he’s fixing to be the saddest, limpingist, three sandal-havinginst motherfucker in the whole city!!! that’s right…THREE sandals…two on his feet and one of mine DEEP in his ass!!! i’m gonna stomp an oasis in that piece of shit and then walk it dry!!!’ i KNEW i should have had her marry that doctor…but NO. she had to date that guy that barely made it out of trade school…come on, a jewish CARPENTER? what the FUCK

you gotta figure, at the VERY least, she must have had a brother or cousin or SOMETHING that jumped joseph’s ass, half pissed cause they feel he made the whole story up and had her feed it to everybody to save the beat down he KNEW he’d get from her family…a whole faith, all founded on the creation of a man who didn’t wanna get his ass kicked for deflowering his prude-assed tease of a wife….”

okay, so maybe NOT the forgotten old testament chapter…but an eternal damnation guarantee? well…maybe.

so, i’ve been doing these bits at the end of an occasional entry about people that i feel we should weed out of the herd just to help papa evolution out, right? all in good fun…but this one is serious. and we’ve ALL seen these people out there…

i work with a guy named randy who talks about how if he was younger (he’s in his late forties) he’d be able to work till all hours of the night, sleep an hour, and pull a full day. well, i’m quite a bit younger, and i don’t even like to do that…but i will TOTALLY admit i used to stay out later, and sleep later, and be okay. the problem is, these days i don’t stay in bed till all hours of the afternoon to catch up from an all-nighter (unless i’m not alone, of course) but otherwise i think i can still hang like i did in my twenties and teens…and i’m thirty-one. my only issue is trying to convert that four a.m. bedtime back to midnight or so come sunday night…THAT’S the challenge.

well, i bet kids have an even TOUGHER time of it…when i was a kid, i could NEVER get to sleep early. just wasn’t my style, which is probably what helped breed some of my late-night jobs later in my adolescence. but what the fuck is up with this trend i’ve seen of parents dragging out young kids at all hours? how many times have you been to a ten something movie and someone’s got kids there? or a midnighter and there are kids around? what the FUCK? you notice how movies like “the country bears” and “monsters, inc” don’t show after 8:00? ya know WHY? because you don’t need to bring your FUCKING KIDS to the theater when the rest of us are trying to enjoy a shreak-free comedy (i.e. no ear-drum-piercings courtesy of that dog whistle your two year old calls a throat) i’m not saying don’t take them out, or to the movies…i went to TONS as a kid. they were called matinees. you walk out, and it’s still DAYLIGHT. nothing wrong with that…

the worst one i EVER saw was the woman that brought her two “under tens” to a 10:30 showing of SOUTH PARK. what? me and jim had FUN with her…we kept asking, out loud, before the movie…”what the FUCK? why the FUCK would this FUCKING woman bring her FUCKING kids in the middle of the FUCKING night to this FUCKING movie? makes no FUCKING sense…” she turned around and through us an evil look…i just looked her dead in the eye, said, “we’re NOTHING compared to what’s about to come off that screen…” and then the lights faded.

she didn’t even last fifteen minutes.

so, flash forward to my way home from SA on saturday night (technically sunday morning, actually). the location? wal-mart super center, san marcos, texas. the time? TWO-THIRTY IN THE MORNING ON A SUNDAY. i walk out with a twenty pound sack of iams large breed (a one week supply in this house) and i see a woman with a kid i figure was six or seven (picture the MAX sized/aged kid that can sit in the kid carrier of a shopping cart but can load/unload themselves) and is dozing off as his mom loads the SUV. she then turns to him and says, “WELL?!?!? aren’t you gonna get out? weren’t you just whining about how you were TIRED and wanted to go HOME? so, get in the truck!!!”

where’s a taser when you need one?

so, now you wanna know why they can’t wake up on monday and why they can’t do well in school? they have NO sleep structure, no rest, and now color outside the lines…a SURE sign early on that NO college will accept them. and all cause you just HAD to make that wal-mart run at a time you knew you would have no crowds…good to sacrifice the kids future in the name of shorter check-out lines. next time, just point at the brain-dead yutz ringing up your fifteen pound box of chocolate-covered whatevers for the kid and say, “that might, if you’re LUCKY, be you in a few more years…” and then go get yourselves fixed.

i’m not being too harsh on this one, am i?

Replies: 5 Comments

There’s really no hope for the future, is there?
A few years back, I had a standing Friday night movie date (as you well know) and one night, we decided to go see 8MM (I always HAVE had that Nicholas Cage thing). So, it’s, like, a 10:30 show. And if you’ve ever seen the movie, you know it ain’t meant for kids. I was 25 – I might have been too young to see it. The hyper-graphic, gutted, crucified Joaquin Phoenix was my favorite part. What do you expect from a movie about a snuff filmmaker? We’re walking out of the theater, both of us mid- to late-20s, both of us disturbed by what we’ve just seen. But that didn’t come close to how disturbed we were when we saw the family of four walking out behind us (the two kids couldn’t have been more than four and six). Both of the kids were wide awake, and likely haven’t slept since. Now, I’ll be the first to jump up and say that I’m not a parent, and I don’t know shit, but if that’s how people behave with their little kids, no wonder we have so many fucked up teens running around-and I imagine they’re only going to get worse.

kathi said @ 10/11/2002 12:13 AM GMT

Damn shame you can’t carry around a hypo full of DepoProvera… inject freaks at will.

Jennifer said @ 10/08/2002 03:28 AM GMT

It’s always fun to read the first ravings of someone moving into Old-Fart-ism. You’re right, and you’re not too harsh.

As a long time old fart, though, I’ve learned one thing for sure — there might have been circumstances beyond your perception that necessitated that trip to the Mart du Wal. Nothing excuses the harshness of the Mom’s tone, though.

Scott Chaffin said @ 10/08/2002 01:22 AM GMT

actually, the people who pull that crap probably don’t read, period.

the dork who writes this slop said @ 10/07/2002 02:40 PM GMT

you should send this one to all the local newspapers. But then again, the people who pull that crap probably don’t read the paper….

the redhead said @ 10/07/2002 11:34 AM GMT

so, friday it was all about sa for me. had system conversions to do. what i forgot about was that this was kind of a first…not me going to sa, of course; that seems to happen with more and more frequency. no, it was a combination of two new things melting together for the first time…our new machines (currently throughout most of the metroplex, but with our older software in them) and our new software (currently only in use at a stadium in oklafuckinhoma, and not on our newer hardware set up). of course, this fact occurred to me AFTER i was already there, but what can you do? all ended up pretty smooth in the end, and that’s what matters, right?

now the smoothness was pretty much all work. otherwise, i saw a lot of the “not-so-smooth” thing going. but at least i know how i can make a fortune. i do. because for all the mexican food restaurants and military bases and hot women and starbucks that the greater metropolitan san antonio area has, they seem to be lacking in one VERY crucial element…and i wanna help them out. know what they need?

DRIVING SCHOOLS….

baby, no bullshit. i was SHOCKED at this. i’ve driven through sa tons of times before with no issue. in rain AND shine and dark of night. but yesterday? fucking ridiculous. i saw (no bullshit) SIX multi-car wrecks in the time i was there…that’s three or more vehicles involved, folks. add in the ones with only two cars, and it steps it up to NINE. in ONE day. and that’s just the ones i saw. as witnessed by ONE guy. picture how bad it was city wide…and this was on a warm, dry day.

what the fuck do they do to issue a license in SA? take you outside to where you’re parked, point at the space…

“what’s that?”
“um…that’s a car?”
“GOOD!!! now point to the front of it…”
“um…here?”
“actually, that’s the roof. that would be the top. but since you didn’t point at the BACK of it, i’ll let it slide…you pass. here’s your license…and remember the three special rules about driving in sa…”
“which would be?”
“1. speed limits are just a suggestion, 2. test your brakes often and for NO reason…”
“and number three?”
“3. the guy trying to merge just said some evil shit about your mamma….are you gonna take that AND give up your lane? don’t go out like a bitch…”

and to think…i’m going BACK there tonight. and next wednesday. who wants to take over the page after i die?

Replies: 4 Comments

what? like i’d use my OWN car? hells no. one of your piercings might scratch it! besides…ever heard of a hit man?

…c’mon, i’d have thought you’d be MUCH better at this “plot & destroy” business…

elle said @ 10/14/2002 07:29 PM GMT

wait a minute…what are we saying? like that’s a car i could MISS in traffic or something. hell, i can practically see the thing from here…

sean (skeered) said @ 10/07/2002 08:56 PM GMT

hey, dude, if you need somebody to off him in s.a., i think i can help you out…for a cut of the royalties, of course. 😉

elle said @ 10/07/2002 04:01 PM GMT

It will be immortalized. We’ll do it up as a book and make millions. Of course, you have to get croaked in SA, first. Frankly, I don’t see that happening, but Mercury ain’t done with your butt yet. Ominous enough?

astrofishy said @ 10/06/2002 10:18 PM GMT