yesterday i went and saw the movie jackass. when i saw the mtv show was being made into a movie, i had NO interest. hell, i don’t think i’ve ever made it all the way through one of the shows…how the fuck am i supposed to make it through a ninety-minute movie? this point was re-emphasized about half way through the intro scene. TONS of laughter all through the theater…and i was just sitting there. “am i THAT old?”, i wondered. “am i THAT out of what’s funny today?”

nope…just had to wait a bit.

by the end of it, my face hurt i laughed so much. i can’t tell you ANY of the names of the jackass crew, with he exception of the three i knew going in (johnny, steve-o, and wee man) but other than that i have new found respect for these folks and their own version of “art”. okay. NOW i sound old. so, fuck it, i’m gonna ruin a scene for you…

he stuck a hot-wheels car in his ass.

one of the guys, who’s name i can’t remember, put a little blue corvette in a condom, lubed up generously, and parked it somewhere i can only hope the artist formerly know as the artist formerly known as prince never parked a little red one…but let’s face it, he probably has. then he went and got x-rays done.

“i was partying with some frat boys and passed out…i haven’t been able to walk right ever since”.

upon discovering what was “lodged” in the place where only the most trained of customs agents (or hookers) can find it, the doctor phoned a colleague (or his wife..but someone) and was explaining what he was looking at and getting kinda creative with the history of said photo. then he came out to tell the young, sick lad, what to do….

“go to the doctor (sorry, guy…and you would do WHAT for a living, again?)…tell no one. (points at cameraman) he already knows…that’s one TOO many.”

good to know he was as concerned about the boys rep as the boys ass.

and that’s just one segment.

so, if you’re that part of the population that laughs at people when they bust their ass (approximately 92%, by my estimation…figuring in the sightless and all) then you’ll enjoy this one. and you don’t even need to do the courtesy of stopping to make sure their okay. ’cause if they WEREN’T, it would have ended up on the cutting room floor. which brings to mind another, more scary thought.

what bonus footage will the dvd contain?

a wet, grey, slightly nippy saturday night. perfect get stoned and fuck like bunnies kinda weather. unless, of course, you’re spending the evening alone like i was. then that plan doesn’t quite work; thus enter josh (no, not that we’re THAT kinda friends…that whole “both of us are straight” think kinda hinders that, thank christ) so it was off for that more tame of manly evenings…pool, booze, and mexican food. the latter of which was just a cabana closer, so never mind that now…

what i learned was that with the right mix of booze and smoking i can absolutely wipe up the table with josh. that was nice (sorry, boy, but it was). then after two hours of slaughtering him at eight ball, it was off to cabana. and that’s where it hit me.

my mind can be a dangerous thing. sometimes things just pop into it for no reason and this is typically where they end up. last night a phrase went through my head and i thought to myself, “man, it would suck to hear THAT on a first date…in fact, that would kinda make it a last one, too”. and from there, it was on.

so here’s your sunday six pack (a couple of them, by the time i was done): a list of things that if they come out of her mouth on the first date, it probably needs to be the last one, too…for that matter, i should hope this stuff doesn’t clear the lip line EVER…

1. the waiter’s cock. but hey, at least it SHOULD mean you get the meal for free…and if not, with skills that poor it should have been the last date anyway…

(oh wait…i meant for this to be things she SAYS on the first date…my bad. let’s start over)

1. “you’re the first guy i’ve been on a date with since i…you know…’got out’ and all”.

2. “another beer? hell yeah!!! my sponsor says i need to slow down but what the fuck does she know?”

3. “…and that’s how i learned the difference between an ‘indictment’ and a ‘conviction’.”

4. “oh shit…i think that’s the guy that used to be my pimp.”

5. “they are SO not kidding when they talk about how addictive that heroin shit is…”

6. “you’re not a cop, are you? ’cause if you are, you HAVE to tell me since i asked…”

(and as a bonus)

7. “i think that busboy was one of the guys that tried to help me break that gang-bang world record…”

(okay, so that last one might not really be the kiss of death…)

here’s a six pack of things to LOOK for; but let’s be honest about the possibilities of life going this well for you, ya know?

1. “i NEVER do anal…well, not on the first date at least…”

2. “and so when my eighty-nine year old uncle jasper dies, that distillery is all mine…”

3. “you’re the first guy i’ve really felt attracted to since i switched to mainly being a lesbian”

4. “i KNOW they look fake, but they’re really real…check ’em out.”

5. “it might just be the margarita talking, but my room mate tyfany’s been looking for a guy for us to have a threesome with, so if you’re not in a hurry to make it home…”

6. “and since that little mishap getting my tonsils removed when i was thirteen, i have no gag reflex at all…”

(oh yeah…and the bonus for THIS half…)

7. “my birthday…my mom’s birthday…and my dad’s birthday. six little numbers, one little lotto ticket, and now i never have to work again…”

Replies: 3 Comments

quit over-analyzing & take what you can get… ;)~

😜said @ 11/04/2002 10:43 PM GMT

but see, that could be numero ocho on either list…if the girl’s wanting to practice on YOU, that’s a very good thing…but if she’s implying you know how to GIVE a killer blowjob, well; that’s just wrong…

sean M said @ 11/04/2002 09:50 PM GMT

8. “i think i need pointers on how to give a better blow job. would you help me out with that? i mean, practice makes perfect, right???”

😉 said @ 11/04/2002 05:25 PM GMT

so, there’s some comedian, or movie, or whatever that josh tends to quote about not being “that guy”. as in the guy who goes to the show and is ALREADY wearing the shirt of the band that he’s going to see. don’t be “that guy”, he says. well, apparently your average koRn fan hasn’t heard that bit, because i swear about 5,000 of the 9,000 and some change at the show i worked last night were wearing koRn shirts…
[continue reading…]

no, i can’t get you backstage. no, i can’t get you autographs…not from koRn, not from disturbed. no, i can’t get you tickets (unless it’s for you and your wife and we happened to discuss it a couple of weeks ago over a plate of ribs; and you know who you are you big, bald fuck) so now that’s out of the way.

this show is kinda my seasonal retirement. after this, if i have my way, i’m gonna start using some of my vacation time that i’ve earned, set to expire just after christmas, yet i haven’t gotten to utilize. i think i’m gonna use it as four-day weekend material (three day at the least) and spend some time getting the house (finally) in order, getting my life (finally) in order, and doggie-bonding (not meant in a mexican border town bar show kinda way….ick). plus, of course, MORE WHORE STUFF. ’bout damn time, huh?

well, i do hate to cut this short (lately i’ve actually been stooping to writing stuff that’s normal web log length rather than some of my more epic rants…have you noticed?) but i do need to get ready (a process a shaven head really speeds up…and guys, if you HAVE thought about doing it, be ready for every other girl on the planet to pet your skull…you were warned…it’s damn near as effective as carrying a puppy with you everywhere you go, but i digress) and head off to auditorium shores to prep everything for koRn (and hopefully get my “who wants to blow me to be my friend” all access laminate (only kidding…blowing me may get you chipped teeth, but i won’t take you backstage with me…unless you’re…well…you know) but again, i digress)

so, anyway, have a good dia de las muertos (how bad did i mutilate that spelling?) and i’ll see you on the other side of the show…

ya know, i didn’t want it to happen. i didn’t. i swore it wouldn’t. i thought i fought it. but nature has overtaken me and there’s apparently not a lot i can do about it without some major intervention…i have inherited my mother’s pack rat side. HELP ME!!!

i knew she was bad, but never knew HOW bad until she passed away and i had to go through her stuff…ALL of her stuff. LOTS of stuff. i was floored by how much she had accumulated…and now i seem to be stuck in the same vicious cycle. on a similar note, i just cleaned out my car so i could load it with stuff for work, and took out two fist fulls of trash. that’s saying something, because my hands are pretty big.

the trash out of my car consisted of one empty burger king bag, and the rest was all POLITICAL ADS!!! about how rick perry is the devil. and how so-and-so, if i have the good sense to elect him as my rep or d.a. or whatever will cut my morning commute in half…and somehow improve my schools while lowering my taxes and at the same time making me feel safer in airports, all from a COUNTY POSITION…and we don’t even have a commercial airport here!!! now, THAT’S some skillz…

why do they feel they need to AD to my life’s pack-rattish accumulation?

lately i’ve been getting home later and later due to work or whatnot…you know what they say, “so many social engagements, so little time…” (name the movie that’s from…and josh, you don’t count). so i typically don’t even notice i HAVE mail until the next morning, when i just grab it and throw it in the car. very few bills, and very few catalogs for being so close to the holidays…

but damned if every joe-bob-elect-me isn’t taking up the slack in droves.

that’s why i’m voting for the fucking communists…they always run SOMEBODY, and they NEVER advertise. they don’t promise you anything, and they always deliver on it. plus, i know for DAMN sure he (or she) won’t win, so i feel i’m just giving them a false sense of hope…”don’t tease the animals…” my “sister” kathi kept telling me last night (NOT in discussions related to communism), but i feel in this case it’s not only acceptable, but kinda good.

plus, it’ll make me feel more special.

at the end of the night, when they show the hundreds of thousands of votes for the two big parties, and it starts to trickle down, i can look at ivan von lenin or whoever and see that number “102” by his name and realize that thanks to me and maybe another whore reader or three, we pushed them over the triple digit line for the first time since the thirties…and that, quite possibly, whore readers make up one to two percent of his votes…we would be a bona fide constituency…like seniors, but with bladder control and smaller cars.

so when election day comes, go with the people that don’t promise you squat…that way you KNOW they won’t let you down. i mean, haven’t you ever seen the irony in the guy that promises to help the environment sending you out a paper circular twice a week every week for the two months prior to the election? and they go to to EVERYBODY…how did he help THOSE trees?

for the last two seasons i’ve worked pretty much every hockey game the austin ice bats have had at home. it’s okay, but i’m starting to decide i kinda want my weekends back. just seems to me that for the amount that ends up in my pocket, i could spend my weekends doing other things and kinda get my life and home and such back on the track it needs to be on. so friday night was the first game i worked this season, since last week was bocktoberfest and all…

i saw the schedule of promos for the season and one of them blew me away. in january they’re having MULLET NIGHT!!! have you ever tried to talk to someone that HAS a mullet ABOUT mullets? most of them either don’t know what one is or they think they don’t have one. best case scenario they think it’s a GOOD thing…but i digress.

like this wasn’t all white trash enough. keep in mind this is hockey played in a rodeo arena. yes, that’s right…a rodeo arena. if you look at a schedule for any of the seven seasons the bats have been playing, you’ll notice that march is always “dark”, in theater terms. it’s because that’s when the joint is taken over by the travis county livestock show and rodeo…and NOTHING is allowed to step on the toes of a rodeo in texas. it just simply isn’t done. how do you convince a die-hard redneck that hockey is a good thing? turn it into a rodeo event, of course. believe it or not, i’m convinced this CAN be done.

let’s ponder, shall we? there’s already events where they ride things, and rope things, and wrassle things. so how do you make a cowboy want to allow hockey and rodeo collide in more than just venue choices? tap into two elements of redneckism that AREN’T addressed in rodeo…

fighting and racism…

think about it…the closest term de rodeo that’s used is “cow punching”. but they don’t actually PUNCH the cows, of course…lest some peta redneck go insane. but punching a human? that’s a whole different story…and the type any redneck wants to beat the hell out of?

sissies.

and it doesn’t get any more sissafied than figure skaters, does it? i guess it KINDA does, but you could swing that one to your favor pretty easily if you worked it properly. so first, you tap the racism element with the following statement, padded properly, in ads…the basic gist?

“we’re adding a new event to the rodeo this year…ones where a bunch of tough guys chase down a little black piece of shit and slap it around with sticks…”

we just don’t mention that the “black piece…” is actually made of RUBBER. or that it’s from czechoslovakia. but ya know, sometimes it’s what you forget to say that makes the sale, ya know?

so, they get into it…and they show up. you open the beer bar about an hour before game time, and their buzz won’t wear off till most of the way through the third, i’m figuring…then away you go! they suddenly realize that the whole racial thing was a ploy (thank god) and that “them little fuckers run so smooth” because they’re actually on ice….and SKATING.

bunch of fucking sissies…

then you spike the ball, on the one arena-draw sport that has no balls…for the sport that is. tell the rednecks they’re all CANADIAN!!!

then give THEM some sticks…and GAME ON!!!

now THAT’S a hockey game anyone would enjoy watching, even if you don’t LIKE hockey. the canucks versus the cousin-fuckers. that’s a battle royale…we could install hidden cameras and do the whole thing up on pay-per-view.

so, let’s get ready to rumble…

Replies: 2 Comments

I still loved that one comment, from a redneck Jackalopes fan, “Man, it was great, they had to stop game to scrape the blood off the ice!”

They loved it.

astrofishy said @ 10/28/2002 03:17 PM GMT

So your sayin there is actual hockey being played in the state of Texas…I’m confused, shocked and extremely amused. The most important thing is that there’s plenty of high sticking and blood donations!

Lugs again said @ 10/28/2002 05:37 AM GMT

okay, admittedly i’ve talked about this kinda thing before – being a GUY. i’ve lambasted guys who listen to cher, for example. or driven a miata. now, if your girl listens to cher, or drives a miata, or has you escort her to a cher show IN her miata, that’s okay (not that i’m throwing personal shit in here, you understand). but there are certain things a guy should always defend, and they are (in order, if you’re smart):
[continue reading…]

weather in texas is about as predictable as women in texas…although i guess the latter would fit them from ANYWHERE. don’t get me wrong, we do have our somewhat predictable times…like august. august=hot. DAMN hot. kinda like a lot of the women in texas. but if april showers bring may flowers why the fuck are we getting drenched to hell the week before halloween (when i may, or may not be wandering sixth street as the world’s dirtiest priest with a naughty catholic school girl in tow…but time will tell). and when the rains DO come, so does the mud…and for those of us with large dogs, that’s never pretty. unless you think a very earthy tone of brown is “pretty”.
[continue reading…]

i love rental cars. mainly because typically they’re better (and always newer) than my car. plus, the guys at enterprise seem to take care of me pretty well, so i usually end up with the best they have. sure, they all have their disadvantages, like the fuel door factor (when you go to gas up you will almost ALWAYS pull up with the wrong side to the pump at least once, right?) and the parking lot factor (walking right past the son of a bitch on your way to a car that looks a lot more like yours than the rental does) but other than that, it’s all good…plus, at least with the better ones, i like to get them on this one straight, flat stretch of road and “see what that puppy can do”…

it was one of the “puppy runs” that almost got me in trouble. i was in a good mood on monday, after a nice dinner with sparkling company AND taking advantage of the early wrap-up thereof and running about knocking out the stickering of five of my seven outlets…the way home i NEEDED a slight celebration, so when i got past the speed trap that is martindale, i decided it was go time. i got on the nice, straight stretch leading up to a hill and punched it; the 2003 maxima i was in got up to just over 130 mph…basically twice the posted speed limit. then all of a sudden, i notice the car way back in the distance…and it lights have started to alternately blink (wig-wags, if you know your cop terms).

uh-oh…

so, i fly over the top of the hill and the son of a bitch is still about a mile back…and closing fast. i decide to sit in the parking lot of the maxwell post office and wait (lights off, of course)…when i turn down that road, a brand new mitsubishi eclipse pulls out onto the road and punches it…just in time for sheriff boy to round the top of the hill seconds later. now, both the eclipse AND the maxima have triangle lenses with round tail lights and third lights on the spoilers. since the light pattern is all he could see on me from the distance, guess who took the fall on this one. the sedan casually sitting in the parking lot or the brand new, black sports car that’s going 75 mph on the highway? hmmm…i mean, by the time he had him line-of-sight the eclipse was already up to 75, which is 10 mph over…but the sheriff probably thought he had just slowed down to that. just wonder what the ticket said when it got written out. i disappeared down a back road and saw the pull over from a distance when i got back on the highway. and it was behind me. oh well, these things happen…what kinda road karma do you think i’ll get for this one?

Replies: 3 Comments

“Hey, Bubba, watch me do this!”

astrofishy said @ 10/24/2002 02:20 AM GMT

lucifer has a special place for you… right down front – his right hand.

i’m still watching (god – cotton tighty-whities – as if) said @ 10/24/2002 01:23 AM GMT

Why is it everyone else in the world can get away with crap like that and I go even 5 miles over the limit and I get ticketed?

You’re a bad boy– but that’s why I like to read you so, keep up the good work!

MC said @ 10/23/2002 05:28 PM GMT

i’m a guy. i’m in that oh-so-crucial 18-34 age group. i’m white. (no, really). and i own my own home AND have a college degree. what you can see here should make me dick-hard-happy. and i think it’s almost SAD that we’ve progressed / regressed this far. and of course, i saw it at fry’s. great. we ALL know how i feel about THIS place, right?

i THOUGHT it was gonna be a good fry’s visit…for the first time ever. i just don’t typically like that place; they make EVERYTHING a lot more complicated than it needs to be. but i’ve been on this quest to get a new headset for my mobile phone and it has NOT been going well. i was tired of the one i had (a bit big and bulky, to be honest) and had tried the other attachment on the one i had that just didn’t cut it, and reminded me of why i hadn’t used it in the first place. then i went and bought a jabra one from verizon, which came with SIX different “ear gels”…one for either ear in one of three sizes. no dice. the small wasn’t even considered (NOTHING about me is small), the medium was a bit too small, and the large a bit too large, so i had to return it. walked out with a plantronics one (my favorite brand of headset for phones….learned about them from kramer) and that one just didn’t work for me, either. so today, i tried one more plantronics one (my original one was that brand as well) and eureka, i think i’m cool with this one. at least it works for me, but i have yet to talk to anyone except work on it, so we’ll see. but at least the quest appears to be over, which i thought would make for a good fry’s visit…the work purchase, however, was a whole different ball of wax.

and then came this.

what the fuck? who on earth needs a refrigerator that can download net porn? or play digital music through the attached speakers? at least the guy at fry’s was wrong about one thing…see, the bitch has a digital camera on the outside of it so you can take digital pics in your kitchen (keep in mind, you DO prepare food in there…wipe down the counters accordingly), but it doesn’t have one on the inside that feeds the monitors, which i see as a good thing (he said it did). i thought you could actually see the contents of your fridge without having to open the door…that is just TOO damn lazy. but you CAN record audio / video memos on it to leave for your loved ones / room mates / the idiot you fucked the night before and forgot to kick out of your house before you left for work…the demo at fry’s now has me, looking you dead in the eye, and pointing at you in an accusing way…the audio is the following…

“if you are seriously considering buying a $6500 refrigerator, you have TOO much damn money. go buy a car for your kid…or put a poor kid through a year of college. you can keep your food cold for MUCH less than this…and don’t you have toys around your house that will do this for you anyway?”

okay, so they’ve probably erased it by now…

the only person i could see this REALLY benefiting is the guy at fry’s. i mean, think about it…he’s stuck in appliances. no computers to slap porn on, no music from the stereo demos, no tv to watch. just washers and dryers and fridges….oh MY!!! that just HAS to suck. but now he’s got his dvd player hooked to the mega-fridge so he could sit and watch rush hour II today. pretty cool. of course, he was bragging to me that the NEXT wave of these bohemiths is gonna have it’s OWN dvd player. great. one guy (sorry, i don’t know where he lives, ladies) commented, “yeah…but now the wife can’t bitch if i make her stay in the kitchen all the time, right?” okay, first off, you are just sad for the statement. secondly, no guy who could afford this would think that way. and third, most who COULD afford it, would have a cook. i mean, $6500 for a damn refrigerator? and this was the MARKDOWN price…hadn’t mentioned that, had i? it WAS $8K. just plain sad…