dear lord, i think i might be engaged to a white woman…
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okay, look…it was me, lance, and a chainsaw – something was bound to get fucked up…

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yes, i’ve got my creative juices flowing tonight…

…in liquor store terms, it’s called “scotch”.

”i like my scotch like i like my women – smooth, wet, and aged at least eighteen years…”

it’s a cute quote (and one of my own) but truth be told, i prefer the late twenties early thirties variety (in both scotch and women) – i just can’t afford the former (and possibly not the latter). but the birthday DOES approacheth in exactly one month from today (juneteenth, in case the fucked up clock for this stuff time stamps it friday, may twentieth) so pick me up a little something and make my day a happy one…

(…scotch being the implication – i believe the notorious h.l.g. would have objections otherwise)

if all else fails, just send it to the astrowhore suite at the hard rock in vegas – i’ll be there starting juneteenth.

speaking of creating, i was having a chat with a friend of mine. all was a pleasant exchange until i said the wrong thing…

”so, what’s up with the girl…”

turned up she was dearly departed (as in dumped, not dead – or at least that’s the alibi we’re both sticking to) and the subject instantly turned to her “turning psycho and needing to be dismissed”. it seems that EVERY story i hear from this guy ends in the same basic theme – which is the nice thing about being a guy; you can date a girl for two weeks or two years, break up, and your friends will totally dismiss it with three simple words from you:

”bitch went nuts”

at least your MALE friends will.

and i must say, i can relate to his woes. i, too, have a history of ending up in relations with people of the questionable mental stability. i would say, “current company excluded” but the girl DID move from miami to lockhart AND agree to spend the rest of her life with me…

…if that’s not the definition of temporary insanity, i don’t know what is – but, i digress.

**2020 note – thankfully she “came to her senses”, or one us did, which is how we got the ufc!**

so my buddy and i have a history of picking those of questionable sanity. i have another friend that had a knack for picking those of questionable sexual preference. these things happen. but i began to wonder – are these characteristics part of our “type”, as it were, or do we drive our perspective mates to such things. the way i look at it, things can go one of three ways…

either –

a. we tend to \\always\\ pick mates that are psycho (or gay, or abusive, or what have you) because it’s just some underlying personality quirk that makes them our “type” (as many mental health experts would have us believe there is such a thing) even though it’s not something that is outwardly apparent (or, perhaps it is and we choose to ignore it)

b. we are actually the ones with the problem, but we tend to project our issues onto our mate and see them as that way, even though they really aren’t at all.

or…

c. they weren’t that way until they met US…and now they actually “fit the profile”

…which do YOU think it might be?

(and if one of the few people i talked to tonight to research this can recall what the middle thing actually was, ’cause i think i had something different PRE-second glass of scotch, please write it in in the comments section)

before i get on topic, pardon while i vent a second…

so, it takes basically an hour to get from casa de m to work, right? and right across the highway is gold’s gym, which is typically the destination of choice pre-work most days (damn, is my life exciting or what?) now, yesterday i leave the house at 6:45, which should, even with ordinary morning traffic, put me at the gym at 8:00, so i can do a fourty-five minute workout and still hit my desk by nine.

but yesterday was not an “ordinary morning traffic” day…

i barrel in and then at the outside of town the road turns into a parking lot. right then the traffic report comes on, and i listen to see what the hell…

”only one wreck to report today, on the outskirts of town…a collision at the intersection of highway 183 and **i smell sex and..** and other than that it should be smooth sailing. joe taylor, sky watch traffic..”

well, for those not from austin, “i smell sex and…” is NOT the name of a street around here. we are not corpus christi – there is no “corn products road”. we have “thrasher lane” and “slaughter lane” (we seem like such a mellow city, though, don’t we?) but what happened was the d.j. hit the wrong button so mid report we hear the song he’s testing to play afterwards…

…can’t bitch. i’ve done it before. and even on the same station, ’cause i used to d.j. there. and the morning guy is a former buddy’s intern. so, i call the station and get him to re-play me the first part of the traffic bit over the phone. turn out the wreck was less than a quarter mile up, so i just sit and wait and reformulate my workout in my head as i do to adjust for the time…

no big deal.

so i get to get back up to highway speed – sixty five – for about three minutes. then WHAM, everything grinds to a halt again (and a ford f150 with “let’s go rodeo” in shoe polish on the back window almost nails me from behind like i was the pretty cousin at his family reunion. not cool) well this one, i figure, is due to the leftover backup from the wreck now trying to shoe horn themselves across the one lane overpass next to the airport. so, i cut over next to the airport on another road, u-turn, and head back only to discover that traffic starts further up and is much, MUCH worse than i thought…

no big deal.

i cut up a road, hang a right, and head into the ghetto. or as some know it, kramer’s old neighborhood on east riverside. i head up, cut right, and take off down a side road only to grind to another major halt and from here i can see the problem – they have the colorado bridge shut down due to another wreck. and traffic isn’t budging at all. so, i flip a bitch, head back up, and cut through kramer’s old hood to the highway.

so now i’m on i35 **finally**. two exits up from where i usually hop on, so traffic is a little slower than i’m used to, but manageable. i look at my clock, and it’s 8:02 am. it has taken me an hour and fifteen minutes to make it HALF way to work. the workout is history, and i end up going into work early.

but you know what really bugged me about the whole thing? the missed exercise? the early work arrival coupled with a STILL bad day? the frustration of traffic in general?

nope – none of that.

the fact that this kind of thing burns gas – and that stuff is turning into liquid gold.

(by the way – that is NOT what the title was referring to, and this is getting a bit long, so i’ll add “sorta” to the title and do “the real deal” later).

but when i filled up on monday, it was $2.09 a gallon, and yesterday i ran all over hell and only saw it below $2.10 once. and where i actually filled up after the notorious h.l.g. and i worked out (you knew i’d get one in eventually) was $2.11.

and oddly enough, i have started a poll. not as obnoxious as my stripper poll, where i asked strippers, “when you’re going down on a guy, and you look up at him and make eye contact, what are you expecting him to say or do at that moment? we all feel obliged to say or do SOMETHING. what is it that would be ideal?”

did i ever publish the answers to that one?

anyway…this one is a simple question, asked to gas station attendants – why is gas going up? the war’s been going on for a while, so that excuse won’t fly. so, why is it going up? asked six of them so far. six different nationalities. all the same answer.

“i don’t know”.

mr. hand would have a field day with that.

so, i’ll keep asking, and now i have to get off to work, so look for updates. and the real “diablo amarillo” bit coming soon to a whore near you!!!

i blame the got damn christians on this one…
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south of the border, down mexico way…
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no, this is not about recycling weed…

…so i apologize to those who were mislead by the title.

i know i covered this before, but to be honest i’ve had too shitty a day (and evening) to google myself extensively and find the older one – so here we go again.

i saw something i never thought i’d see on sunday: a simpsons episode with a “viewer discretion is advised” warning at the beginning. because they showed yellow nudity? nope. drugs? nope. swift and blinding violence? nope.

okay, so all of those were probably in there somewhere…but they ALWAYS are – it’s what’s kept the simpsons going for lo these many years. and they never had to show a warning before it. no, this episode went after something far from violent, pornographic, or hallucinogenic. it went after marriage.

actually, it didn’t go after it. it supported it. embraced it, even. the issue? it was GAY marriage…

is this honestly that big a deal?

i know quite a few gay people that are “married”, just not in the legal sense. and why they can’t be, i just don’t get.

“because it’s against god’s way…”

okay, i might can give you that. while the bible was written by MAN, not some divinity with a futuristic stone tablet pc, and was therefore written in the best interest of the men who wrote it, if they were weirded out (as most men still are, and even more so back then) by the aspect of man on man relations (although i have to wonder if women on women relations, provided at least one of the two parties is pretty hot, got them going the way it does most guys today) that would be forbidden…and seeing as how there is no “hot lesbo action” exception clause in revelations or whatever i guess they decided to make it all wrong in the interest of not making god look like he has the morals of a frat boy at a strip club…

…or me and my friends at any given point in time. but, i digress…

so, all same sex stuff, including the hot girl-on-girl action is forbidden by god.

(never mind the “how can something so beautiful be so wrong” discussion with the latter part of that phrase)

i can grant you that. having never heard god’s actual voice tell me one way or the other (i might be crazy but i have yet to attain that level of disillusionment) i guess i have no choice but to take a mulligan on that one.

so, once again, turn to the simpsons.

reverend lovejoy felt the same way…and as a parade of homosexuals, marching two by two like noah’s menagerie, marched up the front walk of the church, he boarded up the doors like kramer’s place when the bass are biting (or ME’s place when there’s a half-off steve madden sale, or whatever helps you visualize this).

so, i guess the official church stance would be that same sex love is wrong unless it takes place between a minor and someone who frowns upon gay marriage…but perhaps that’s just the catholics.

regardless…

so, don’t let gay people get married in your church. or any church. unless there is some gay church out there (which i’m sure there is, and don’t use my comments section to recruit…nothing against y’all, i’d say the same to ANY religious organization). but you know what?

we have a separation of church and state…

…or so the theory goes.

so, since there is no LEGAL reason i can think of why it can’t happen, why not allow adam to be with eve OR steve, depending on his preference? or AMY to be with eve? i mean, we have constitutional amendments guaranteeing that a woman can vote like a guy, work the same jobs for the same pay as a guy, and go to war like a guy (kinda). why can’t she take on the joys (and not-so-joys) of having a wife like a guy?

and if a guy can go give his life for his country, and arrive here generations before with nothing but the lint in his pockets and build billion dollar empires, why can’t he have a husband instead of a wife if he so chooses? show me the legal reason, and i’ll back your cause – provided the law isn’t based strictly on some mythological jerry garcia look-a-like in the clouds saying it just can’t be. society is more than ten years old…the “because i said so” (or god says so, as the case may be) just doesn’t fly anymore.

so, all that being said, and eliminating the all mighty (which ever one you so choose) from the equation, what basis is there? the way i look at it, i watch the election coverage EVERY year – and you know what? if god or buddah or ganesh or whoever had shown up at the polling place of their choice, CNN would have been SO on it.

but they didn’t. the deity’s didn’t vote. and if they don’t vote, they don’t have the right to complain, right? i mean, if they didn’t elect you, you don’t have to worry about a dip in the polls courtesy of buddah getting ticked because suddenly every other house makeover we see on hgtv belongs to “travis and his husband” instead of “travis and his PARTNER”, where’s the harm? if they ain’t a firm (law, cpa, what have you) they ain’t partners. they’re husband and wife. or wife and wife. or husband and husband. or whatever their CHOICE may be.

and isn’t america all about personal CHOICE?

so, what’s left?

only one thing i’ve been able to uncover…

“homosexuality is a disease that can be cured”

which implies that if a guy and a guy DO get married, and then one of them actually pops a straight-a-cillin when he was reaching for his echinacea and is suddenly personally offended that pamela anderson lee decided to pull her implants, and he agonizes over it while hunting, or whatever we straight guys are supposed to think about and do, that all of a sudden he’s locked down in a marriage where he’s not happy, and therefore gay divorce would become rampant. so, by keeping it illegal, we’re saving them the legal difficulties later on – because when the gay folk of america wise up and take the hetero highway, our courts won’t be clogged.

…and if you honestly believe that? you really, truly believe that homosexuality is a disease? i have a cure for YOU. it involves a gun, a single bullet, and your temple. and god help us all if you’ve started breeding before you give yourself a glockotomy.

but on the upside, we can educate your offspring before it’s too late.

see if all you opponents of homo happiness can do the same thing. educate yourselves. it’s never too late. old dogs CAN learn new tricks, no matter how pig headed they might be. gays deserve to be just as happy (or as miserable, as the case may be – not everyone can be me and be so lucky as to marry the notorious h.l.g.) as the rest of us. keep all men and women equal – it’s what this country is all about, right?

for a brief moment, i felt i had become what i had made fun of oh so long ago…

there i was, in the parking lot of lockhart high school, kissing my girlfriend good bye before she went in and i drove off back to the house.

you what i like about high school girls? every year i keep getting older, but they all stay the same age…

**shudder**

for those unfamiliar with indy cinema that was a line (or paraphrase thereof) from “dazed and confused” and was NOT what was actually going on. what was ACTUALLY going on was that alex, the notorious h.l.g., has started substitute teaching, and because we share my car right now i had to run her to work before heading off to work myself.

but that was still a little too close for comfort to all-too-familiar territory.

when i was in high school seeing a guy that was WAY too old to be hanging around the high school dropping off some hot latin thang before burning off in a cloud of smoke and dust with “pour some sugar on me” blaring out of the t-tops of his iroc z for a day of beer drinking and cope dipping with his other loser unemployed white trash friends before heading back up to campus to pick up the jail-bait brains of his peer group.

(see, for those who HAVE seen the movie about high school in texas it’s not too far removed from the truth)

i mean, sure, there were a few crucial differences

1. alex isn’t pregnant
2. alex has not only a diploma, but a bachelors, and was there to teach
3. no iroc, no def lep, no unemployment – and no lockhart hair

have i ever talked about the lockhart hair? for some reason, THE style of hair to have if you were in athletics or whatever made you one of the popular kids when i was in high school was basically what could today be described as a mullet, but with an interesting twist.

you see, in my day at lhs (lockart high school) your hair couldn’t be past your shirt collar. so all the guys had it short and brushed down (or spiked up) on the top, super short on the sides and part of the back, and then permed into these tight curls on the back so they didn’t drop too low.

if you can’t picture it i’ll try and upload some yearbook photos. of OTHER people, that is. i didn’t do the lockhart hair thing. and i should probably blur faces lest someone find out and sue.

but yeah, for a brief instance i felt like one of THOSE guys from back in the lhs days that i used to make fun of…but i guess the little differences make all the difference this time, huh?

okay, NO names mentioned…
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i can’t recall (no pun intended) if i voted in the last national election, but i think i did…
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