by sean ~ July 29th, 2002. Filed under: Uncategorized.
saturday night josh got to see a little bit of how astrowhore exists; random people coming up to me, and talking to me as if we’ve known each other a WHILE. see, because we went to a movie up north last night, we didn’t hit our “usual” baby a’s on barton springs. instead, we hit the one over on 290 and i35. we noticed the differences instantly. differences in crowd. differences in attitude. we were discussing this when our waiter came up and over heard us; he then went and joined us on bashing his own ghettofied customers and their “i’ll take care of you, dawg!” statements as they leave him an even $45 for a $43.50 tab. he said, and i quote, “oh…this place sucks”.
so, with all these observations at play, i decided a guide to the homes of the purple margarita around austin might be in order; but of course if you REALLY want to have fun there (and possibly afterwards, if you’re female and cute) then you should probably add me to the list of things to take along on your night – believe it or not, i think i get MORE amusing when i’m buzzing. maybe that’s jut MY blood alcohol level talking…
looks like: a fancier, hipper version of taco cabana
what you need to wear to fit in: sandals, shorts, sleeveless shirt. hell, just call kramer, ask him what he’s wearing RIGHT then, and plan accordingly.
what sucks about it: live music on the patio, and for some reason it always seems to be INCREDIBLY loud; not music-wise, but people-noise-wise. the only place i’ve ever been tempted to throw salsa at a fellow patron; and have actually picked up the bowl only to be “talked down” by whoever’s at the table with me. also, for the guys, the “stall” around the urinal is designed for someone who’s about 100 lbs. i have to SQUEEZE in to take a leak, and when i’ve got tequila and everclear in me, my tolerance for such things kinda goes away.
what rocks about it: it’s on barton springs, and has the appropriate atmosphere to be so; and if a lame-ass band ISN’T playing, the patio’s pretty cool. plus on a sunday afternoon you can watch sexy jogger chicks in short shorts and sports bras as your b.a.c. goes up and you wipe queso from your chin.
parking: seems ample, till you try and find a place to put your car. hit and miss, but it IS restaurant row; what did you expect?
chances of a kramer sighting: nine out of ten. you’re on barton springs, near the hike and bike, and if you’re on the patio, and yell at him, he’ll probably just hop the wall and join you in his tevas, shorts, and if you’re LUCKY, a shirt. with or without it, i bet management won’t hassle you.
date or buds: either or. it’s certainly the most “austin” of all of ‘em, due to the location and that whole restaurant row architecture. not sloppy enough to where a date will be offended, and buds can hang and get rowdy…and seem to always do so. if YOU decide to do so and i’m there, duck the flying salsa.
looks like: strip mall hell. it’s next to a 7-11, and expanded when the subway between the two caught fire, but i’ve heard this is actually the original, showing that sometimes sequels can kick the shit out of the original.
what you need to wear to fit in: if you were to look at your wardrobe in intellectual writing terms, a suit would be a harvard dissertation. casual friday would be a times article on foreign policy. the outfit for THIS place would be the script for the beavis & butthead movie sequel.
what sucks about it? in a word, it’s as close to a dive as you can get, but still be…well…never mind, it’s just a damn dive.
what rocks about it: search me. i guess it’s the original? there’s a 7-11 next door, so if you need smokes…never mind…baby a’s sells smokes. shit, ya got me on this one!
parking: parking? here? what? do they speak english in what? say what again. i dare you. i double dare you, mother fucker. say what one more god damn time. sorry. watched pulp fiction earlier. but parking is BEYOND shitty.
chances of kramer sighting: eight outta ten. he frequents a couple of businesses in the area, so he might wander by…probably not in, though.
date or buds: NEVER a date, unless she just wants to get shitty and doesn’t care where. and if you’re going with an old bud from college and want to show off how well you’ve done, i’d pass on this one, too.
290 & I35
looks like: a taco cabana got gang raped by a couple of places from fremont street in vegas.
what you need to wear to fit in: bootleg timberlands, bootleg fubu shirt, bootleg “tommy gear” jeans, with the left bootleg rolled up…and something “bling-bling” from eBay.
what sucks about it: where to begin? the clientele is almost too ghetto for me (and that’s saying something), at least back in the smoking section. the staff seems very, VERY unhappy to be there. apparently after buying the latest nike kicks and screw cds there ain’t a lot of green to be thrown in for a tip. or they thought it was supposed to fifteen CENTS, not fifteen PERCENT. i think it’s an ebonic math thang…i wouldn’t understand.
what rocks about it: somehow, someway, and josh will back be on this, the frozen ritas are STRONGER.
parking: ample. slightly lit. josh got hit up by a homeless guy on the way through the lot. i’d tuck the valuables out of sight if i were you; unless you wanna buy them back at the cash america pawn across the highway in about six weeks or so.
chance of a kramer sighting: none or less. he may occasionally refer to the more latin ghetto folk of east riverside as “his people”, but even he knows his limits.
date or buds: well, truth be known, this was the FIRST baby a’s i ever went to, a few years ago with phillipe, before i was even hired on by star. the front bar area isn’t bad, but back where they stuck me and josh last night? damn. there are strip clubs that are better lit. speaking of, that’s about the only way i’d take a date to this one; if we were on our way to sugar’s afterwards. or a lil’ bow wow show, ’cause that’s where most of the people going to the show will be eating before hand anyway.
2019 note – the above location has since closed, not re-opened as anything else, and not surprisingly is almost invisible behind hours of gang tagging
looks like: a restaurant in la. as in los angeles, NOT louisiana.
what you need to wear to fit in: the only one of the chain where you can actually kinda feel UNDER DRESSED. khakis and a linen button up? seems too much at barton springs. looks like you might be going to serve a health board notice on riverside, or see a “client” to talk about a defense strategy at 290 & i35. but at pflugerville? ya fit right in!
what sucks about it: location, location, location. for me, anyway – i just NEVER have a reason to be THIS far north. and neither should any of you. unless you’re going to an express game. those are fun. coincidentally, that’s the only time i’ve ever gone; after a game. and on our one visit, they tried to serve us someone else’s food. we ordered appetizers and booze, we got three enchilada dinners. lucky for them none of us were hungry, or we would have hopped all over it.
what rocks about it: it is, if i may sound slightly gay, GORGEOUS. it really is. it looks like you can’t afford it, but you really can…it’s just as cheap as all the rest.
parking: more than they’ll EVER need. they’re located at the front of a giant parking lot for a home depot or something to that effect.
chance of a kramer sighting: one outta ten. this far north? who the fuck are you kidding?
date or buds: you COULD take your buddies there. you could. i did, ’cause it was after a game. but of ALL the baby a’s, this is the most date impressive one. take a girl here, and it kinda says, “i wanna get you drunk enough to do a threesome with a stripper, but i’m willing to drive out of our way to do it somewhere pretty.” it’s those little things that just might help a boy’s chances. women like the little things.
2019 NOTE: a new location was opened about a year after this was written, so while it’s “new” to the bit, it’s actually old enough to drive, give or take
looks like: a restaurant in a wealthier section of miami, with tons of outdoor seating. to me it just has a “coastal vibe” like i was in coral gables with port aransas overtones. i mean, it IS a baby a’s – it can’t be 100% classy, ya know?
what you need to wear to fit in: it walks that fine line between being pretty nice, but i’d feel overdressed if i had corporate wear on. even khakis and a polo would feel off. like, i could wear jeans but would have to basically be sock-free. i’d rock shorts there easily, and your shirt shouldn’t have a button anywhere on it.
what sucks about it: it’s kind of hidden, and not on a main road. but overall i have no complaints.
what rocks about it: it’s kind of hidden, and not on a main road. it aids to it’s charm, because if you patio happy hour who the fuck wants a pretty view of gridlock beyond the lot?
parking: ample lot, with a garage they share as well.
chance of a kramer sighting: zero, but they’re all pretty much there at this point as he and the missus have moved to san antonio at this point.