you have to be fucking with me…

last thursday i went to dinner and was told (i unfortunately haven’t done the leg work and gotten details) about some kid’s parents who were suing his teachers because he failed. it was like (i assume) the teacher’s job was to educate the lad, and their tax dollars had paid her to do so, and since he was a fuck up, they wanted what they paid her BACK for doing a lackluster job.

earlier that same evening i had been listening to NPR (a rarity) with rob at the humidor and heard about a case where a kid had been shot and the parents of the victim had sued the parents of the child who pulled the trigger. makes sense. then they sued the neighbor of the boy who had left the gun out and accessible. again, makes sense. then they also got some money from the gun manufacturer. THAT was bullshit. they made a product that WORKED, damn it, and it’s not their fault it got in the wrong hands. why didn’t they also sue the descendants of the china man who invented gun powder? you can’t sue gm just because the drunk driver who plowed into the side of your house happened to be driving a blazer at the time. that’s just not the way it works.

we’re just too lawsuit happy.

here’s a few people i’d go after, if it weren’t for how expensive these damn lawyers can be. hell, we should all make up a list on this one…

1. coach mcneese: my driver’s ed instructor…for NOT teaching a chapter entitled “how to drive when you’ve drank your weight in liquor”. we could make this one a class action suite…do you know how many of y’all she’s put at risk with this one, too?

2. the city of san marcos: for that FUCKED up law that makes them stop selling alcohol at midnight every day of the week except saturday, when they go “balls out” and sell till one…still an hour before the state says they have to stop. maybe if some of those girls had a couple more hours of marinating time, i could have gotten it more often in college. for that matter…

3. duran duran: or depeche mode. or whatever little band / look i was trying to emulate in high school…maybe if i had just been a normal looking kid without the bangs that went to my chest and the black clothing and the suits and slacks and shit (for those who don’t believe this, i didn’t even OWN a pair of blue jeans the whole way through high school…fucking chess king. and oak tree. but anyway…) maybe i would have gotten it more then, too.

4. empire records: have you ever seen this fucking movie? try watching that and then working in an actual RECORD STORE for four FUCKING YEARS. talk about false advertisement. i never worked with some hottie blonde slut. i didn’t get to have emotional meltdown talks with liv tyler. i got to pay my bills on the “t.o.t.h.e” principle…as in “that ought to hold ’em”. phone bills $80? no biggie…just give them $40…that ought to hold ’em till next month and you still keep your service. know what? that actually WORKS!!!

5. skyy vodka: makers of the new beverage skyy blue. good stuff. especially good for those of us who DON’T drink beer, and live in a town where they can’t sell liquor…or occasionally go to “bars” that DON’T sell liquor. ever seen the ads? where the blonde goddesses are EVERYWHERE? i drank enough of this stuff to see things and STILL didn’t see any blonde goddesses. of course, in those same ads they want us to believe that said goddesses can hang out on a snowy mountain in a bikini and NOT get n.e. (nipple erections). for that one ALONE, they should be shot, not sued. guess this applies to damn near any beer folks who makes ads though, doesn’t it?

6. subway: as in the sandwich “studio”…that WOULD be the right term, wouldn’t it? since they DO call their employees sandwich “artists”, and artists work in a studio, not a fast food place, right? anyway, why do they have to hammer you over the head with that “six grams of fat or less” shit, and show you a REAL sandwich in the ad? and then in little, itty bitty print mention that to keep it at six or less you have to omit mayonnaise, or ANY salad dressing, or cheese, or…just make it twelve grams or something. you still kick the shit out of mcdonald’s, and then you almost get something most sub grub lacks…FLAVOR!!! there’s no need to try to spike the fucking ball.

7. steve at salon 505: sorry old boy, but you made the list. for more than ten years i kept the hair long. ten years. damn near the same cut the whole fucking time. what later became WWF hair (or WWE or WCW or whatever) then, i get a wild hair (pardon the pun) and cut it short. then i get an even WILDER hair and decide to shave it all off. now everybody talks about how great it looks, and how it works so well on me, and how it makes me look like a “bad mother fucker” and all. where was THAT advice, say, nine and a half years ago? guess he knew i could take care of this by my damn self, huh? just the cost of the shampoo and conditioner and detangler and all over the last years is mind numbing…and all i needed was a $20 pair of clippers.

8. the japanese: not for pearl harbor…that was before my time. and not even really for the fact that they got americans to ditch big, manly, gas guzzling motor cars for little matchbox sized vehicles only to THEN get people to buy all kinds of little gizmos and gadgets and such to make them sound like a weed eater raped a john deere lawn tractor and their child came out tangerine and able to go 180 mph and swallow gas like a porn star swallows….well…you know. no, this beef is for karaoke. what the FUCK? they HAD to have known that drunk white girls would make this a LOT worse than drunk japanese men EVER could. and even worse is the crowd who take it seriously and actually think they can sing as well (or better) than the original artist…which all makes me drink more, which goes back to number one on this list.

so, that’s my list…i didn’t even hit 10. can you think of who i may have left out? you know where to scribble it…