i’ll let iconic, “sleeping”, pederasses lie after this, i swear!

first off, my apologies for this one going up twelve (or fifteen, or eighteen) hours late…

…i’d love to say it’s because of technical difficulties, or a smithwick’s induced hangover from ufc 100 last night, or whatever…but quite simply, i forgot i was running live again and no bits were in the queue.

oops.

i, like most jobless people, had nothing better to do tuesday afternoon than watch the mj memorial service. being a bit of a pop culture afficianado, i couldn’t help but giggle at al sharpton’s (all be it passionate) ludicrous statements (example: “long before ‘live aid’ michael taught us to ‘feed the world’…” where as “feed the world” came out around the holidays in 1984, live aid followed in summer ’85, and it was the grammies after THAT where mj rallied american recording folk to do “we are the world”, so “feed the world” actually inspired HIM).

but what sharpton lacks in accuracy, he more than makes up for in passion – and originally i was gonna go off about stuff sharpton claimed mj did (made it to where white culture could accept oprah, got obama elected, invented rain, etc, etc) but then i decided if this guy is THAT inventive with his shit, i had a better idea…

…reverend al sharpton, if you’re reading this, i want you to speak at MY funeral when the time comes (assuming i beat you off this crazy rock and all) and to help you along, i have some bullet points of what you can say i did – ’cause i either did this, or somewhat plan to, before i go…or they’re no where NEAR possible (like saying oprah got on tv ’cause of michael jackson – and where was she at his funeral, i might add?) but it’ll make the speech better…

six things al sharpton can passionately claim i did during my lifetime…

6. brought back the word “cunt” – there’s a great bit in clerks 2 where randall tries to bring back the word “porch monkey” to no avail, which is a good thing. but the “c word” is used the world over and chastised here in america…which i don’t think it fair. time for the american cunts to get over themselves…

5. slept with more women then gene simmons and wilt chamberlin COMBINED – this is tough, ’cause i’m actually kinda picky, and i have quite a ways to go, but i ain’t dead YET so you never know…maybe i’ll just find one lucky girl and have that much sex with her. of course, that doesn’t sound NEARLY as good in a eulogy, i’m afraid.

4. was a world renowned lotto-fueled philanthropist – hey, you gotta give something back…and only six more numbers to go and this can happen!

3. brought peace to the midwest – i COULD have said middle east, but that’s never gonna happen, despite our countries futile attempts in order to make a new and better market place for american bullshit (doubt me? google “burger king in iraq” and see what’s up)…i figured if i can make indianans and iowans get along, it’s a start. hey, have YOU ever done it?

2. owned the largest iTunes library known to man – again, tough due to the fact i’m picky, but it’s a goal. over 5,000 song, and at least a hundred of them were actually paid for!

1. he was a beloved husband and father – truthfully, it’ll be a surprise if i go one for two on this, and the chances of me going two for two are about as likely as number four on this list cranking out to reality, but shane keeps bringing up that pesky $1,000 bet we have so i figured i’d slap it in here to keep him happy, and for some reason my brain seems to be elsewhere today and i wanted to finish this schlock up…he’d have put it in the comments section if i didn’t list it, anyway…and boy, you ain’t winning this one!