two not so great tastes that probably taste even worse together (this wasn’t intentional)

i’ll never understand the appeal of carbonated waters, mineral waters, and seltzers…

…they just taste like unwashed ass to me.

i remember the 80’s hype about perrier, french mineral water that epitomized everything i hated about mineral water and the french. yeah, it had been around since forever, but i became aware of it when it hit it’s stride in the decadent decade, and i thought it sucked.

still do.

the same can me said for topo chico (the mexican version – seriously? not only do you wanna bottle and export water from the country we’ve all been told “not to drink the water” from but then pay twice as much as normal bottled water? get daphuk outta here!) this also applies to la croix, which comes from the land of all things exotic and fancy, wisconsin.

and the hype around all this, in my opinion, begat the hard seltzer bullshit. so now we have white claw, which made hillbilly swill hipster brand PBR get into the mix, as well as the instigator for many a “hold my beer and watch this” youtube injury video, natty light. both of these are keeping it somewhat classy with alcohol by volume in the six to eight percent range (fan fave white claw sits at a white girl approved five percent).

but now we also have the cause of that shiner the girl you see at the circle k always seems to have, 4 loko. the article i saw said 4 loko “was back” which just goes to show they know classier white trash than me, because at the convenience stores near my place it never went away. that toxic mix of sugar, caffeine, and ABV in the double digits (the new seltzer is sitting at 14%) never went away, it just stopped being news. okay, so further research does show it stopped being caffeinated, but it didn’t stop making babies and black eyes (and babies with black eyes, for that matter) in section eight housing and trailer parks.

and now they’ve got hard seltzer, so that just like hip hop and pants falling off your ass, the surban white folk can mimic what goes on the hood. just what we needed!