back in the day i would occasionally write two or more posts a day…
…then not write shit for a week.
i’ve learned to pace myself better with this “every forty-eight hours” shit. that being said, i apparently wrote two posts on valentine’s day sixteen years ago. why? because i didn’t have anything (or anyone) else to do, that’s why!
02/14/2002: “weekend memories”
so, it’s 8:00 am sunday morning, the morning AFTER the mardi gras experience described in kramer’s web journal (i didn’t get to sleep ’till about 4:30 or so), and the phone rings. i look at caller i.d., blurry-eyed, and see a dallas phone number. figuring it’s my boss (at the time en route back to austin from OKC), or a buddy in dallas wanting to see how much i can cuss in the early am when he wakes me up, i answer it…
but it’s no friend. it’s no boss. it’s capital fucking one.
“sir, we show that you have an outstanding balance of $42, which we need to settle up immediately”
“WHAT?!?!? i paid you off. i sent you a $700 check back in october…and it’s eight-o-fucking-clock in the morning on a SUNDAY!!!” i said, not so calmly.
“yes,” mister money-grubbing-credit-whoring-jerk-off added, “but your payment got in two days after your bill cycle, and you’ve accrued late charges amounting to $42”
“well, let me think about this…” i teased…
“we can take a check by phone and have this all wrapped up…” he quickly tossed in.
like i care.
“here’s the problem, ” i said, “it’s 8:00 am. if i get in my car RIGHT NOW and drive from lockhart to dallas, i’ll get there by about 11:15. then i kick the shit out of you for about 45 minutes. then i get BACK in my car, and drive to the ice bats stadium to work the hockey game, putting me at the stadium at 2:30. and i have to be there at 1:30, so i’m gonna pass for now and go back to sleep. call me in two weeks when there’s no game, and we’ll go with MY plan. for now, take the check, AND your phone, and shove it up your corporate-cock-sucking ass” and i hung up. too harsh? i didn’t think so either…:)
which was followed later in the day by…
02/14/2002: “k-man correction”
okay, so by the time this is being read, it’s valentine’s day…which kramer made allusions to my opinion of in his recent journal entry about us going to el arroyo; and in MY opinion made me out to be some sad, depressed, drowning-my-sorrows-in-a-sea-of-frozen-tequila sort of guy. not true. AND i was misquoted…
my exact quote on the day:
“dude…valentine’s day is just the corporate world saying, ‘you’re single, so you suck’
…or more accurately, ‘you’re single, so nobody’s gonna suck on you in fun ways'”
(for those of you who wanna prove this wrong, see the oral sex donation link below)
or just be in bitter-ass denial, and think of today as just thursday.
(but still go to the oral sex link below…unless you’re a guy. this is austin. sometimes you have to be specific on this sort of thing)
2019 addition here:
to explain the donation link, i used to have a link to a website where you could pledge to donate oral sex to me as a way to “keep my creative juices flowing”, as it were. three things should be noted that make this kinda fun:
1. it was kramer’s idea, so if the ufc is reading this don’t be too horrified.
2. while typing the above i inexplicably typed “sexplain” to start, adding to the theme
3. on the original astrowhore site this was, oddly enough, the sixty-ninth post.
for anybody curious this is post 8,292. been at this a while, haven’t i?