and fifteen years later…
…calling a girl behind the starbuck’s counter this will get you indefinitely banned. trust the voice of experience here.
02/08/2003: “chicas, part i – the 4 play”
“she said, ‘i feel you just see me as an object’. i said, ‘i’m not paying you to speak, dear…'” so goes one of kramer’s favorite quotes from me in the last few years. never meant in the literal sense, and not based on a real occurrence…but it gets a laugh out of him every time. the differences between men and women is a topic that has been done to death in movies, books, seminars, and stand-up routines. i don’t know if i’ve ever really dropped my two cents worth in here or not. i don’t know if i should. but hell, that’s never stopped me before.
justin, the guy i went to colorado with. he has this expression, that i don’t know the root of and have never bothered to ask…but basically, when something REALLY frustrates him, pisses him off, whatever, he says he’s “ready to kill babies”. now, when he says to me, “dude…that computer was pissing me off so bad i could kill babies”, i think to myself, “damn…he IS upset.”
but that’s about it.
the expression in and of itself is not gonna ruin my day or anything. let him say that in front of a female albertson’s clerk, and it’s a whole different story. that’s one you just shouldn’t use in front of a woman. kinda like when I was frustrated the other day, and i had to go get something out of my car, and i told our receptionist on the way out, “i’m gonna go down to the parking garage, get something out of my car, and find a kitten to kick the shit out of along the way.” i don’t know WHERE that came from. while i’m not really a cat person per say, i’ve never had the urge to punt one when i’m 3rd and 12 or anything. even if i DID grow up with a grandfather that owned several of the “101 things to do with a dead cat” cartoon books, it still doesn’t work in my basic agenda. so i guess that’s two to avoid…but you know me; i’ve gotta go for the six pack, typically. but since this is the “4 play” entry, we’ll just do four…
1. ” i could kill babies”
2. “i’m gonna find a kitten to kick the shit out of…”
3. anything containing the “c” word…you know the one. the one that rhymes with “hunt”. look, i’ve gone out with more than one woman that gets off on being talked dirty to. ain’t nothing wrong with that. it’s fun. but while you CAN say stuff like, “yeah…suck that cock you dirty little slut”, you CAN’T say THAT word. let that one slip in pretty much any situation and it’s GAME OVER. now, if that’s what you’re TRYING to do, let ‘er rip…
4. “pms is purely mental, made up bullshit”. yeah. say something to THAT effect. particularly while they’re in the midst of it. two hours later, as you’re gathering the bulk of your belongings off the front lawn (carefully avoiding the ones that are still smoldering or actually on fire) you can ponder where you may have gone wrong…before calling the proctologist to set up an emergency appointment to remove your high school football trophy from…well…you know.