i laughed out loud towards the end of reading this one while i was editing it…
…and that rarely happens with my own shit.
two side notes:
1. by “editing it” i only mean spelling and grammar, not content (there was no auto spellcheck in browsers sixteen years ago)
2. there also was no google really, so i didn’t get to see there is KINDA such a thing, just not in the way i described it (trying to fill in blanks without giving shit away here).
and so, on that note:
08/30/2002: “ham pudding”
i don’t recall when i figured this out. it wasn’t long ago, i don’t believe…only in the last few years. but somehow, someway, i developed this skill…i can make people believe almost ANYTHING i say if i put my mind to it. there seems to be only two karmic rules:
1. it can’t be for malicious reasons
2. i can’t actually gain something from it OTHER than entertainment
as long as i abide by those two, it seems to be okay. just do it in good fun, and in the words of another internet writer (who will remain nameless so you all will still read his horoscopes…er…i mean page) never let the facts get in the way of the story. thus we entered into the subway challenge of the day.
you know subway’s big campaign these days…they have five sandwiches that are six grams of fat or less, yadda yadda yadda. who cares? well, i found a company that REALLY doesn’t. antone’s. see, there’s an antone’s deli on congress i used to hit when we were downtown, and they had this cool po’ boy sandwich that had 75% more meat and cheese than their regular classic. i never read the sticker on the side that tells you fat and calories and such until today. and DAMN, was i surprised. now keep in mind, this thing is about an inch or so longer than a subway sixer…but only about HALF the diameter. and it’s ALL about the girth, not the length, right ladies?
this son of a bitch had more than 65 grams of fat
i read that in the exxon today. (where the sandwiches are brought fresh from he congress deli daily, or so they say) out loud. and was DAMN surprised. as was the lady behind the counter. and i blurted out, “SHIT…you might as well be eating HAM PUDDING!!!”
she just looked at me blankly. “ham pudding?”, she asked. “where the hell did you come up with ham pudding?” at this point she’s almost laughing at me. and something in me SNAPPED. where DID i come up with ham pudding? i DAMN well know it doesn’t exist. i know this. no FUCKING way. but now she was doubting me. mocking my pork product creation of the day (like i come up with new ones on a regular basis or something), so i had to defend myself. to do what i do best…find that line that most people wouldn’t cross, and JET SKI over it.
“yes”, i said. “ham pudding…you’ve never heard of it? quite popular in europe, ya know…VERY big in belgium”.
(ever seen spinal tap?)
“no WAY…” she said, “HAM pudding? ham? like from a pig?” okay…so NOW i’m having to define the word, “ham”. this was a good sign…remember the clinton sex stuff where he asked the definition of “is” or whatever? when they’re trying to get you to define words you KNOW they know, their defenses are starting to crumble…and you are starting to win.
“yes, ham” i quickly replied. “kinda like bread pudding doesn’t REALLY taste like bread? same thing….it doesn’t really TASTE like ham, you understand, it’s just one of it’s principle ingredients. that’s why it has such a high fat content, and is so unhealthy…”
next thing you know, i’m sounding like a bbc documentary…describing how they boil the hog fat and skim it off the top to blend into the pudding, and comparing it to the “typically rich diet of the belgium peoples” using the thicker than normal belgian waffles and belgian chocolate as my examples. i did everything shy of singing commercial jingles for the girl (my puh-ding has a first name, it’s ‘P-O-R-K-Y’) i mean think about it…i WAS playing it pretty safe here. try and say it’s a delicacy in mexico or something, and you’ve got a good chance of someone who knows better either working there or wandering into the store.
but a belgian? in the exxon tiger mart on bell street in cedar park, texas? in the words of my bbc compadres, “not bloody likely”.
and towards the end, someone walked into the store…your typical, range rover driving cedar park citizen…the kind who SO wants to be cultured, buy typically isn’t. they come in just in time to hear the clerk say, “i dunno…it still sounds really gross.”
“what does?” little mister limey truck asks. “ham pudding”, i reply. “very rich…very fattening…VERY big in belgium”
(hell, at this point, i had gone on long enough to where even I was convinced it was real…at least in the moment. so i must have sounded EXTRA genuine, ’cause he replied…)
“yeah. had it. a bit salty for my tastes, but not bad….”
with that, the clerk conceited defeat and admitted i knew what i was talking about. this is when i typically let them off the hook, tell them i was bullshitting, we all have a good laugh, and move on. but this was CEDAR PARK. and we ALL know how i feel about the north side. so i just paid for my drink and left…i just wonder if she’ll go looking for the recipe once the holidays hit. i DID mention to her it was a xmas kinda thing…