protect? serve? (part ii)

so, that was a bit of a surprise…

…first off, to go to SA and not see ME or kramer. wouldn’t have called that double miss. but i’m getting WAY ahead of myself, so let’s begin at the begining, as it were.

in the beginning god created the heavens and the earth and it was good and despite years of scientific proof that’s how you got here and not through evolving through primates but rather in a puff of smoke and god said “yippie kai yeah, motherfuckers” and *poof* we had people so then he created all the creatures of the land and see so we could name them, then kill them, and eat them, which is why vegetarians are heathen demons that need to be struck down and vegans actually get their own wing in hell with an all pork buffet.

wait, that was further back than i wanted to begin, so let’s try that again…

(but wouldn’t church be a shitload more entertaining i wrote the bible? i’m just sayin’…)

i was somewhat cocky about the whole SAPD entrance exam and was in ways humbled by the whole experience. in other ways i was taught motherfucking charm was still in effect. more the latter than the former.

i was convinced there was such a thing as “metered spaces” in downtown SA. if you drive around enough you can find ’em, and i found four of ’em along the north wall of the Alamo (for all out of the area, yes i meant THAT Alamo, which should be evidence as some place significant in Texas as i capitalize very rarely on this page). when i went to pull in space three of four there was a bud light bottle in it, so i stopped half in, half in the street, jumped out of the car, put the bottle on the sidewalk so i wouldn’t shred a tire, and pulled into a space – but as i was getting in the car i saw what looked like a cop crossing the street and heading my way.

i’ve taken to listening to the notebook in the car on longer trips, so i had some dismantling to do before i could get out of the car – shut down the computer, unplug and stow various adapters, etc. as i was in the middle of doing so i notice this Alamo park ranger i had seen crossing the street (the aforementioned cop) just STANDING THERE by my car waiting for me to get out.

i figured it had to be about what he saw, which looked like someone not only setting an empty down on the sidewalk, but being drunk enough to stop half way through parking to do so.

i finally get out of the car and hear, “morning” from the officer. i respond with the same and he suddenly grabs his radio and i hear, “copy that, sarge – north wall in the metered parking spaced”.


then i hear something i didn’t think i’d hear…

“nice car”, and when i look at him with a puzzled look he nods his head across the straight where i see the trans am equivalent of my camaro parked right across the street from me.

about this time “sarge” walks up and echoes the “nice car” sentiment. we proceed to have a fifteen minute chat about where i can get my top re-done and various other car tips. i look at the clock on my phone – it’s 9:15am, and test starts at 10:00. when i ask him for directions to the convention center, he asked why, and i show him the letter to show / prove i’m there to try and be one of his bretheren. he smiles, gives me directions, i max out the meter in quarters (which gives me two hours, so i had to be back by 11:18) and off i trot to the convention center.

all my friends told me i would blaze through this, ace it, and be out early. hell, i’d planned lunch with ME around that very prediction. but at almost sixty single-sided pages this exam is no joke on time – and all the bureaucratic bullshit of reading every instruction “out loud, as you read along with me” reminded me why, after fourteen years OUT of college, i don’t miss this shit. we finally start and it is a LOT longer than i would have given it credit for – full page maps where you have to flip back and forth from the map page to the six questions on the next page and such. not tough, but VERY time consuming. what was really cool was the crime questions, ’cause they would give you the full legal definition of the crime, so you learned a lot while you took it. i found i was really enjoying this more than i thought i would; but the length made it to where, per usual for me on standardized tests, i started rushing towards the end (which was probably questions 75-100 in this case) just to be done.

they allowed two and a half hours to take the test and due to the crap that precedes it that time didn’t even start ’till 10:30, so i knew i had to do it in thirty minutes in order to make it back to the car and avoid a parking ticket…so imagine my surprise when they announced “thirty minutes left” when i was on question ninety-four of a hundred. i looked at the clock and sho’ nuff, it was 12:30.


i finished up, got scored, passed (no shock there), got directions to the physical part (which is next saturday, and will be the subject of part iii of this little series we have going here) and headed out. called ME (who wasn’t feeling a visit) and kramer (who was on his way to the coast to go fishing with the wife) and knew i would just be heading out straight. got back to the car just KNOWING i had to have a ticket since i’d paid for two hours and stayed for, at that point, four.

but i had no ticket.

guess those guys i talked to do more than just compliment late model american sports cars…and know motherfucking charm when they see it.